Wednesday, January 12, 2011

the big bad ugly bogeyman.

i don't consider myself a particularly fearful person. other than a particular childhood episode of being afraid of a sesame street poster (big bird was fine, but that oscar looked SERIOUSLY menacing) and forcing mama to put it in my closet (where i had to brace myself to face it every time i opened my closet), i didn't have a lot of phobias.  except for the vacuum. 

but anyway. you get my meaning. no giant fears of monsters under the bed, or the dark, or the creepy tooth fairy (which, if you think about it, is a terribly frightening idea).  nope. 

(of course, i could just have a rosy remembrance of days-gone-by.  that could be true.)

my particular adult brand of freaky fear is when those i love travel. occasionally, when they are on a plane or on a trip, i get a bit freaked out wondering what i will do without them.  i tend to get over it pretty fast, and it's been disappearing quickly over the past few years. 

but let me tell you.  third trimester brings it all out.

it's been a long while since i've felt genuine fear. not worry. not anxiety.  FEAR. the kind of fear that feels too powerful to deal with, the kind that seems to overtake you like a wave and drag you under for a moment, leaving you to sputter and spit as you come up, gasping for air.

(okay, maybe it's not quite that bad, but the metaphor was too good to not complete.)

at first, it was fear about money.  the reality of the situation has made manifest to me that we are okay, we are fine, we are doing well.  but there for a little bit, it was scary.  i've had some fear about other things, things that wouldn't normally bother me as much or perhaps at all.  but now? now it's like i have to consciously remind myself that the crazytown train has lassoed me aboard its hormonal track and that's why i'm afraid. or crying for no good reason. or feeling a bit like i'm at a loss.

i'm assuming this is normal, as i've read that the hormones are just SURGING right now.  other pregnant ladies--are you feeling this way too? it's a strange symptom. i think trying to keep myself more busy, with concrete goals and focusing on doing some things for myself as well will help.

but mainly i'm just trying not to be too needy, trying to remind myself that all is well (and find outside proof that such is the case, which is actually all around me), and pray more. in fact, that last one i'm grateful for especially. i'd been trying to find ways to encourage an increase in my reliance on the Lord--seems like i have one of my answers. 

i am really blessed. don't get me wrong. but i think sometimes people talk about swollen feet and aching hips and their crazy cravings, but they don't talk about the fear and anxiety.

i wish they would.  it would make the rest of us feel a lot better. 


  1. Oh my gosh, yes yes yes. This happened to me too. My husband's occupation didn't help one bit. I remember I was traveling without him for a big family thing, I was straight up bawling as I drove away just absolutely petrified he would have something dreadful happen to him while I was gone and die in the hospital before I could get there. How awful is that?! Prayer was really the only thing that helped me. And it did, a lot. But it's all normal, I just wish I knew why hormones put such terrible thoughts in our heads though. Why couldn't it be the opposite? Seriously.

  2. I don't remember the fear surge, to be honest, though I do remember crying over everything and feeling like everyone in the world was against me. I'm assuming this has a biological purpose: if we think of our cavepeople selves, we would have been more vulnerable to attack--pregnant ladies move more slowly, it is more difficult to breathe, etc. So I'm guessing that the fear, which in my case was "who's out to get me?", is just our body's way of getting back in touch with those "protect yourself!" feelings.

    So when your partner, who you really come to rely on even more than before (at least that's how I felt), travels or goes away or has to work more hours, you feel even more vulnerable. Because your cavehusband needs to protect you!

    Anyway, that's how I make sense of it, but when I was pregnant I was really in touch with my "animal self," if you want to call it that. :)