Thursday, March 31, 2011

i blame kohl's.*

last night, i was like "what if it's NOT A GIRL?!?" to musicboy. 

at first he tried to dismiss me, but i was serious. "WHAT IF IT'S A BOY?!?"

he reminded me that the ultrasound tech had only been wrong once in 20 years. comforting as that is, i still wanted a plan b scenario.

so we busted out our list of boy names, talked about a few that we liked, and decided that the family friend who just found out that she's having a girl would get A LOT of boxes of stuff if somehow our little princess actually...isn't.

but then i remembered that she chose her name, and boys don't usually choose girl names, so i'm feeling a bit better.

but it's always good to have a plan.

(also, WHY WON'T SHE JUST COME?!? this waiting is just the worst. i'm in the bargaining phase still, mixed with some "she's just going to mock me with the whole coming at 41 weeks thing, even though we're both sure she'll be earlier than that," so i keep thinking that maybe she just wants me to catch up on my grading.  so i'm working on it. it's at least something to keep my busy.)

*have you seen that commercial? with the daniel/danielle return policy deal? it's a GREAT commercial, but it will, in fact, strike fear in the hearts of anyone who is pregnant and has a gender-specific nursery.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

week 38: the updates.

so, i know that every single post is about being pregnant, but you have to understand. I CANNOT ESCAPE IT. there used to be times when i would wake up and almost forget that i was pregnant. i would remember pretty quickly, but i would get out of bed and i would forget for a minute that i was pregnant.  it was WEIRD, but i could, for moments, escape it.

no way is that possible anymore.

but that's okay. you must be slightly interested, or you wouldn't be reading.


a little snapshot into my brain: last night, i cried. i hit my "i'm going to be pregnant forever" moment and also was like "it's so unfair that no matter what i do, i keep on gaining weight even though i have worked hard to not eat like a truck driver for my whole pregnancy." i'm hungry--i've been starving for days, and it comes on suddenly--and so i eat. but i try really hard to eat well. i know you've heard this song before, but sometimes it really annoys me that my road, in this particular way, is so much harder than others.

(here's where i interject that i absolutely recognize that, in almost every other way, my pregnancy has been a lot easier and a lot more "healthy textbook" than others, so it's entirely possible that other people are looking at me and thinking the same thing, so turnabout's fair play but pregnancy also makes you mental.)

i'm sitting in bed, propped up because it's the only way i can really watch TV in bed and hope to sleep at all, because if i spend any sort of amount of time on my sides, i start the timer on how long i can stand it, and i'd rather use that with sleep, thank you very much, and crying, staring at the ceiling.  and my sweet husband just told me a couple of things that i already knew: a) i would not be pregnant forever. b) all i can do is what i can do, and i do that the best that i can. (granted, my best at 38 weeks is infinitely less than my best at 28 weeks, but that's okay.) i haven't been going to buy cakes every three days (his example) and i try to eat well.  c) i am doing really well, all things considered.


friday night, i had contractions for 4 hours. every 15 minutes. not horrible--i could do things through them, including attending an electroacoustic concert with my husband for his school which was weird and mindnumbing, but was a required deal for one of his classes--but enough for me to keep checking to see how often they were apart.

then they went away.

sunday night, i had contractions for 6 hours. every 15 or so minute, or 20, and they were tough enough at times that i thought maybe they were going to stick around. then i went to sleep.

and they went away.

yesterday i washed my car at the self-serve car wash (it was disgusting, and i would not bring a baby home in that) and then went to the new supertarget and bought stuff (really, there's just a lot of stuff you have think about when you're thinking about what you need AFTER you have a baby...that's not even for the baby. that's as far as i'll go) and then i came home and made french toast and scrapbooked for a while.  no real contractions. nothing really going on much.

hence the "i'm going to be pregnant FOREVER."

then i went to the doctor today.

baby is at -2 station (which means the baby has dropped) and i am 1-2 centimeters dilated.

sometimes i love my doctor, especially when he says things like "well, the head is a LOT lower" and starts asking me how far i live from the hospital and talking about how he'll see me next week--unless something happens before then and saying how it's good that my body is doing this, because it's much better to go into labor at a 2 or a 3 cm dilation than closed. 

sometimes i love when my instincts have been right.

musicboy asked me how i felt being dilated. and i told him that it felt incredibly encouraging, like things were moving and progressing and like my body was doing what it was supposed to do.


one total bonus of being this ridiculously pregnant: nobody who is driving a car while i am crossing the street or the parking lot can possibly give me anything other than the right-of-way.  seriously? you're going to not let the waddling lady go?

that's what i thought.

one thing that's sort of annoying: i don't talk about anything else in public. everything is about how i'm feeling, how i'm doing, when i'm due, how long i have, what's new with the baby, blah blah blah. i mean, obviously, that's what i think most about too, and it's likely what i talk about too much too (hi, i think i said that already).

but yeesh.

i figure it's just getting me ready for when Baby Girl comes, and everyone just wants to pay attention to her.  why wouldn't they, really? she'll be adorable.

but moms tend to become a little bit invisible, i think, especially at first.  that's okay.  i'm just getting ready.


i have yet to buy a donut in 2011.  i look at them literally EVERY SINGLE TIME i go to the store. i think about it every single time i go to the store. i usually think i will do it after every doctor's appointment.

i haven't yet.

i don't know if it's either here or there, but there you go.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

elisabeth kubler-ross is rolling over in her grave, hopefully with laughter.

i think there are five stages of end-of-pregnancyness.

you are familiar, of course, with the five stages of grief, which i think is so insightful and i have seen as really true in my own life at different times, regardless of the grief that i am experiencing. 

but i don't think it's just grief.  i think it's also the last four weeks of pregnancy, which isn't grief, really, because even if you miss being pregnant a little bit, you're at the point where you're so ready to just be done that it's nothing close to being grief.

so here's how i think it goes (props to elisabeth kubler-ross, of course):
  • denial: for me, this manifested itself mainly when i would have a strong, surprising braxton-hicks contraction. it was obvious that it was a contraction, and it would take my breath away for a minute, and then i would be all "lah lah lah, real labor won't be like THAT. it'll build and give me a chance to get used to it before it tries to kill me."  and then my husband would ask me, kindly, "do you really think labor won't be that hard?" and i would realize, in a split second, that my logic was stupid.  
  • anger: this has mainly manifested itself at the women on the babies attack shows.  WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID?!? i consistently asked on tuesday night when one woman whined and complained for what seemed like HOURS about her IV. as in she freaked out about the needle that they used to put in the TINY NEEDLE in her wrist.  i just kept thinking "does she not KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO HER?" and then there was the whole epidural thing. she had no idea what would happen and that was a whole drama. and then they brought out the instruments for delivery and she apparently had no idea what they were used for...and i was irrationally angry at how stupid she was.  of course, for some women, this might be anger at pregnancy, at life in general, for dealing you this deck of cards that involves an inability to sleep and a big cute baby with long legs who likes to kick the ribs when you do finally lay down.  your boobs are huge, nothing fits, and you no longer look like you're glowing unless you really work hard at it.  some women hate pregnancy with a fiery passion at this point, but since it's been pretty good to me, i haven't reached this stage. but heaven help you if you are an uneducated whiner. 
  • bargaining: right now, this is manifesting itself in checking things off of my list. "if i clean the floors, Baby Girl, will you come now?" or "if i eat well, maybe it will give me strength for labor" or "i should probably make sure that i sleep some, even though i don't want to, just in case i go into labor." literally. i'm doing laundry and i'm cleaning the house and i'm trying to make sure that i wouldn't be horribly embarrassed if my mom came in the next few days. and that's how i'm bargaining with Baby Girl to come before 40 weeks. do i know that this is insane? yes, yes, i do.  that's okay. it still makes me feel like i'm doing something.
  • depression: i think this comes when the bargaining doesn't work and the 38th and 39th week dawns and your cervix is still shut up tighter than a drum and nothing's happening. i haven't hit this yet. i am still riding high on hope and bargaining.
  • acceptance: duh. you just realize that ain't nothin' happening until Baby Girl decides she wants to come.  i'm so glad she has two stubborn parents. (there should really be a SARCASM stage.)
i'm good, though.   bargaining is a good place to be. 

Monday, March 21, 2011

week 37: schedules.

we're at week 37, Baby Girl, musicboy, and me.  that means, for those of you not marinated in all things pregnancy, that we are term. come what may, what may is coming.  (translation: nobody's stopping anything if something starts before the due date.)

that's exciting stuff right there.

so now i'm all "lah lah lah pregnancy worrying is over" which is quite lovely. i've actually not been worried about what's going on in my little uterine laboratory for a couple of weeks now. it's refreshing, really, after eight months of fretting over fetal movements and development and weight gain. 

now i'm realizing that i have NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.  i mean, i know the logistics of delivery. i'm not even really talking about delivery. delivery seems fairly straightforward to me.


hi, i'm going to be a mom.  and there's the whole feeding/caring/loving/nurturing/developing a schedule thing that is just weird.

i have no idea what's going to happen. i don't normally do well with that (read: i do not do well with that at all, as i am a planner and i like to have some idea of what's coming down the highway to smack me with its awesomeness.).  and yet there's NOT ONE THING i can do about it.

we're just going to have to figure it out. 

i feel like parenting is not something that you should feel like you can just wing.  flexibility, yes.  but just winging it?  that seems like a recipe for raising a child who other people want to throttle when you bring her out in public.

and yet...i have no idea what's going to happen. so, i guess we're heavy on the figuring it out and winging it until we know what the heck is going on. 

thank heavens my mom is coming.  if anything, she may just look at me and say "what do you think? you know best" and then i will realize that "winging it" actually is "following your instincts" and that's good.

in the meantime, it just seems weird.


so 9000 people have asked me if i'm taking maternity leave when the baby comes. 

the answer is no.


all of my classes are online, which gives me freedom and flexibility. it is the Godsend of modern collegiate education paired with childbirthing, and i am grateful for it every single day.

but i have had to make decisions, lately, about what i'm going to be doing once she gets here.  i had hoped to have a SUPER lighter load once spring ends, which won't be for at least a couple of weeks after Baby Girl is born.  i had requested one online class from local cc, and then got a request to teach a 5 week course at OIOHL that starts a week after my due date.

i hadn't yet heard from local cc, so i didn't do anything about the request from OIOHL (it's an entirely automated process, and i had weeks left to go, so i just thought about it).  it seemed like a really stupid idea, logically, but something about it kept nagging at me.

when i got the schedule from local cc, i learned why.

they had scheduled me for a hybrid class, beginning something like three weeks after my due date.  a hybrid class = you have to show up and teach for three hour blocks half of the time. now, granted, in a summer semester, that's only three times.  but...three hours? three weeks after MY DUE DATE?

i just...i didn't know what to do.

except i did, but it felt very selfish. 

i knew i couldn't do it. 

what you have to understand about me is that i am loathe to turn down classes. that's how i got into the 8 class semester--because people were giving me opportunities and as an adjunct i didn't feel like i could shut the door on anyone.  i wanted everyone to like me. and i wanted to make money. it wasn't greed--it was an intense desire to ensure that i was doing all i could to support our family in the ways that i could.

so it's REALLY hard for me to say no.  to say "thanks, but no thanks--i can't do that now" simply because I CAN'T DO IT. not that i can't, but that if i did, i would cause more havoc than necessary and possibly endanger what are more important goals.

like, you know, not dying.  or killing my milk supply from stress.

so i texted musicboy to see what he thought. and he said say no to local cc and yes to OIOHL. 

so i did.

and i feel good about that. it's less money, but not by much, and it's possible that i'll be able to take another 5 week class at some point over the summer to compensate.

and i also got two online classes at local cc for summer b.  this means that i may not need to work at collegetown u until fall. 

that's exceptionally exciting to me.  i would really like to stay home with my baby.  we could get to know each other. 

that would be a good thing.


i'm reading a book about sleep strategies and getting your baby on a feeding/sleeping schedule. i really like it. it makes so much sense to me.  (and i'm not telling you what it is because i don't want to know what your opinion is about it--don't take that the wrong way, just read on, but it's true.) but it flies in the face of a lot of what everyone around me says, and so when i read it, it's like i'm having a mental debate with other mothers who are doing things differently.

it's like i'm defending myself.


as if it's anyone's business.

(because it's not, really, anyone's business except musicboy's, who i realized i didn't ever really ask about whether or not he liked it because it was mainly motivated by my desire to know how to do this whole breastfeeding AND working and hopefully sleeping thing and make it work in a way that works for our family and since they're my boobs, i went all philosophy commando and forgot to ask. whoops.  he sort of laughed at me and said he liked it too [i've told him about it] and that he agrees that it's how we want to raise her.  whew.)

but it's my little entrance into the big wide world of Different Parenting Philosophies and how everybody thinks that theirs is the best. 

and here's the thing: it actually might be. for their kid. 

but i somehow think that talking about it makes it open for discussion, just like talking about names and birth plans somehow invites commentary and opinions--even when it didn't.

so i don't talk about it anymore. i just...think about things and make plans.  and i do realize that those plans may get shredded once she gets there, but i feel like no plan is a bad plan.  i do not do well in Reaction Land. 

i'm living on Proactive Island for these last few weeks, and i'm pretty well camped out here. 


since i've been telling everyone who asks (and i think i got asked like ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY TIMES yesterday) what her name is now, because i disclosed it at the baby showers and it's just time and i'm over it and that's her name and we feel good about it, here you go:

she's named after her great grandmas, which you already know.  her name is margaret joan, and we will call her maggie.

Friday, March 18, 2011

why i'm glad i'm not natalie portman.

so i was just perusing, where i will admit i spend more time on the entertainment page than on the world page (don't judge me, man) but do try to keep up with what's going on in the world (although i will admit that i can't really handle the DOOM! and IMMINENT DESTRUCTION AWAITS! tone of most news about japan right now. i prefer the stories of 4 month old babies found in wreckage and returned to parents who survived stories that make me remember that life is GOOD), and i saw a picture of selma blair that was obviously taken by a paparazzi outside some random place like a grocery store and for which she was obviously not really prepared.

(i am reading body language, people. it's not that hard.)

selma blair is pregnant, like me. she's not as pregnant as me yet, but she's getting there.

and suddenly, i was like OHMYGOSH.  how awful must it be to know that, at any moment, you could be snapped and on the cover of US Weekly with one of those horrible headlines like "when actresses go outside and look hideous" or something more catchy but equally humiliating.

let me tell you. on monday i went to the drugstore with dirty hair pulled up in a ponytail bun, my pajama pants on, with a shirt that i'm pretty sure was entirely stained.  i literally went outside in my pajamas.  i didn't care.

i will admit, however, that if clinton and stacy did a pregnancy what not to wear, i would make for some freakin' awesome tv. 

but if your job was to be natalie portman or someone else who is glamorous all of the time, it would be exhausting. you'd have to be so pretty all of the time. and sometimes, nobody wants to be pretty when they're gestating.

of course, if i was an oscar winner, i'd probably have more maternity clothes and a personal assistant.  so i probably wouldn't have to go to the drugstore. 

hmm.  but still.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

i can't help it. if i don't write it down here, in the mecca of me-ness, where can i write it?

egg salad/deviled eggs. 


also, tartar sauce. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THAT TARTAR SAUCE WAS SO GOOD?  (also, i got it free. that might be why it's awesome.)

this baby is just messing with me now. 

but i'm glad she's not messing with me with tacos and french fries.

also, i hate every woman on those babies attack shows that talk about craving fast food for four months and then look like they weigh 90 pounds and swallowed a basketball.  i'm just saying.  they should all shut up.  or at least reap the whirlwind, man. WHERE'S THE WHIRLWIND? I WANT THE WHIRLWIND. and i want a play-by-play.

but i'm actually perfectly content to eat my strawberries (delicious plain AND in yogurt AND in cereal AND it's an excellent source of vitamin c AND it's like 24 calories for 1/2 a cup) and my egg salad on wheat bread and it's delicious and i'm pretty sure i'm even going to forego chicken enchiladas tonight for another dose of it. 

suck it, cholesterol. i don't care. 

also, as if the heavens are smiling upon me, the annual collegetown strawberry sale is this week.  six quarts of strawberries for $12. i might buy 12. that might be a little excessive, though.

i love my life.

also, i look like a buddha sitting on my bed. i find it hilarious a little. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

let's talk about something else.

have you seen the new hot pockets commercials? the ones with the tiny little vomit balls that talk? that's all i can think of--they are little balls of vomit covered in some disgusting breading. and i can see the vomit through their little vomit mouths.  i can't stand it. i literally can't watch it.  how could this ad in any way encourage ANYONE to eat anything remotely like those disgusting balls of sick?

let's contrast that with the mcdonald's frozen strawberry lemonade commercials with the lemon. the sassy talking lemon. i like him.

i also like that mcdonald's has been sending me many coupons that are free. as in, i can go twice to mcdonald's and get free stuff with no purchase necessary.  i like that, golden arches. i was tempted today to make use of this, and this strategy is wily because i felt guilty about only using my coupon and not buying anything, so i was trying to figure out what else i could buy that would be good. when i realized that the only thing i could really think about buying was either a cheeseburger or fries, i chose something else.  but, good job, mcdonald's. you're going to wear me down.

i am obviously watching far too much tv. 

Monday, March 14, 2011

week 36: miserable and not.

yesterday, i hit the miserable portion of pregnant. 

before that, i think that i was at times uncomfortable, but not miserable. i define miserable as getting up in the morning and not being able to answer the question "how are you?" without involuntarily feeling your eyes welling up with tears. my entire bottom half hurt. i couldn't sleep more than about 3.5 hours in bed without my hips hurting such a huge amount that i could no longer stay in bed.  when i got up, though, it was very difficult to walk.  my hips felt like they were sliding in and out of their sockets and the pregnancy waddle had definitely welcomed itself.  since the night before, some of the less flattering and more humbling (humiliating?) side effects of pregnancy had taken hold.  i just very large and battleworn, for lack of a better word.

i think there were angels all around me yesterday, though, to bear me up.  it was a sort of strange thing, because i didn't ask for them.  i'm pretty sure there was a sort of inarticulate prayer to heaven that said something like "please help me" in that "i'm not sure how to do this, but i know i have to do this" sort of way. 

and as the day progressed, i saw that prayer answered.
  • i got up for church, threw on a dress and expected to look like crap, and i didn't. that was nice.
  • two people, absolutely unsolicited by me (of course...), came up to me and said "you look so ADORABLE!" it wasn't patronizing. it was the kind of compliment that you pay someone when you are legitimately overwhelmed by how cute someone is.  i didn't feel cute. i don't feel cute.  but it was so lovely to hear that someone else, outside of my head, thinks so.
  • the longer i was at church, after i made the decision to stay after the first hour even though exhaustion and discomfort really were fairly overwhelming, the better i began to feel. my spirits were lifting, and that i can only attribute to the choice to choose the better part.
  • a friend gave us another bag of hand-me-downs, one of which was a snugli baby carrier that musicboy can use. i have slings, but he now has something that will work for him (i couldn't see him using the sling...).  
  • we came home and i went straight upstairs to lay down.  musicboy made me the most delicious lunch ever. it just tasted so good--and probably mainly because i didn't have to do anything at all. but it really was very good.
  • i got to talk to my mom for three hours.  she gave me some much needed perspective about this whole section of pregnancy, mainly saying hey, it sucks, big time.  just knowing that? and realizing that it's okay for me to be like "uhm, this sucks but i'm doing it anyway" was very freeing. but then she said such an awesome, unexpected thing: she said that i had done the being pregnant thing brilliantly, that it was inspirational.  i was so surprised.  it was so kind, and so unexpected, and of course i want my mom to be proud of me, so it was one of those moments that helped to buoy me up more than i can say.
  • i woke up this morning to this.
so, in short, the end of pregnancy isn't easy. it's just not.  i'm very large, which is part of the deal. there are parts of this deal that i just don't like, but i understand that at this point i have very little control over what happens from here on out.  but, as my wise mom said, it helps to remember why i'm doing it.  this isn't about me--it's about Baby Girl.  so when it gets hard--and it IS hard to not have enough sleep, to not feel anything but disgusting sometimes (despite the wonderful comments of those around me), to feel ready to meet her at the same time as frantically trying to get ready for her--i just need to remember for what purpose i am doing all of this.  and remember that, as mama said, it's just one of the first of many mom sacrifices i'll make for her. 

every day that she stays where she is more days that she gets to develop in the best place for her.  so i'll stick it out for as long as she needs me to. it doesn't matter, really, what effect that it has on me (so long as i'm still healthy, a little misery does nothing but make me appreciate her and the process more).  i won't wish that she'll come early. i still think she'll come earlier than her april 11th due date, but i won't do anything to precipitate that.  i will be patient. i will be strong, even in endurance, because sometimes endurance is the thing that you have to give.  i will keep my focus on the things that i CAN do, and try my best to focus on that instead of on the waiting game.

week 36, y'all.  we made it, but there's a lot left to do.

Friday, March 11, 2011

week 35.67: they're right, you know.

i just cleaned my laundry room. as in, i lysoled the shelves and the dryer.  they needed it, but really?

they're right about the nesting thing. HARDCORE nesting going on over here in Baby Girl land. case(s) in point:
  • i'm washing everything (in tide free and clear, even though i know that you're supposed to use dreft but tide was cheaper and i couldn't understand what the difference was, really, even though i think the difference is the sweet baby smell...) that might possibly touch the baby.
  • i'm almost desperate to get caught up on grading. i'm plowing through papers left and right, but i sort of wish i had started this process on monday rather than on wednesday. i'd be so much farther ahead.
  • i'm assessing my pre-baby list, wondering what i can do next.
  • i'm menu planning and grocery store list planning to capitalize on meat sales so that i can make and freeze some stuff so that what i promised my mom would be true--there would be a menu when she comes and food to just defrost and eat. i keep hoping this will be true, but i'm just not as sure as i once was.  
  • i'm dying--LITERALLY RESTRAINING MYSELF--from going to target/walmart/etc to buy the rest of the stuff that we need for Baby Girl's room so that i can actually finish the thing, including having all of her clothes sorted and all of the stuff done so that i can take pictures and call it a day.
yeah.  i know.  i don't know if i would call it a burst of energy (although it does feel almost physical right now, the need to get all of this stuff done), but it's perhaps close.

i know.

i know. 

Thursday, March 10, 2011

week 35: a snapshot.

baby shower #1 was an enormously huge and overwhelming blessing.  many of the people who attended don't know me at all--they either know musicboy (and therefore possibly have known me for a little bit) or they know musicboy's mom.  to be so completely showered with gifts from people who aren't really that invested in you except by proxy is humbling and slightly overwhelming to me.

musicboy's grandma--THE greatgrandma that Baby Girl will know in this life--made us so much. one things he made us was a personalized car seat blanket with Baby Girl's name on it.  i cried, at first because it was so sweet, and then because i thought that it was precisely what my grandma would have done for sweet Baby Girl if she was here and could do it.  it made me feel like a part of her was here with me, which i think that i will continue to feel as Baby Girl's arrival draws closer. 

it helped that the shower was also on her birthday. it was like i was, in my heart, celebrating the two sides of my family tree, the past and the future, all at once.


i had a dream last night (can you call 3am last night when it's 5am?) that i was -4 station and -1 centimeter dilated. as in i dreamed my cervix was even more closed than it would be normally.  i don't know what that's trying to tell me, but i also had to be sedated to get my cervix checked in my dream.

anxious much, you think?


i think being pregnant makes me prefer my own house. we were gone for several days this past weekend, and while the change of scenery and company was awesome, somehow it was amazing to come home. our house felt like home, and that made me so happy.  we must be doing something right.


if you look in our living room right now, you'll just see bags and bags of stuff that has yet to be carried to Baby Girl's room and/or washed and/or organized.  you'll see an assembled pack n' play in the corner of the dining room, waiting for its (more) permanent home. 

and you'll see me, thinking that we need a baby to use all of this stuff. 


newborn diapers are TINY.  we got a diaper cake full of them.  THEY ARE TINY.  tiny little butts. musicboy looked at them and said "she'll fit those for the first day." i'm hoping for the first week, but if not, we'll pass them on. 

but they're so tiny.  YOU HAVE NO IDEA.  are babies really that small?


i'm still eating cookie dough. 


i looked at the calendar yesterday and realized that, on friday, we will enter our last month.  as in a month until our due date.  CRAZY. how'd it go so fast? there were times i thought it would never end, but now it seems like i feel both the end looming near and a normal sense of nervousness about it. i don't think i'm scared anymore, which is good. 


i'm pretty sure i'm having braxton-hicks contractions at least once a day.  of course, i don't know what they really are supposed to feel like, but these feel like cramps.  i figure, that must be something.  so i change my position or breathe deeply and they go away.  it's just enough for me to notice, but not enough for me to freak out about. and the breathing really works. 

that's comforting as well.


i feel incredibly motivated to get grading done and caught up this week and to stay caught up in the coming days.  i don't know if that's my professional manifestation of nesting, but it makes sense to me.  i'm feeling motivated.  don't worry. it's not a burst of energy. i'm not scrubbing the floors yet.  just trying to sort things.

i like things sorted.

i am dying to get the baby laundry detergent, though, and finally wash all of these things though.  however, baby shower #2 (full of people who know me!) is on saturday. 

after that, all bets are off. i'm pretty sure i'll be doing laundry and getting the last few things and going into crazy nesting mode.  i've told myself i have to wait until after the showers to do so, so my self-imposed restriction is almost over.


i've told Baby Girl that she has to wait until march 21st at least to make her appearance. i think that will be fine. all will be finished, for the most part, by then.  one of my online courses will be over.  the wedding we have to attend will be done. 

hopefully we'll be ready.  of course, she can wait until later if she wants. it's a little nuts that we're talking about approximately two weeks from now.


this is all nuts.  NUTS.


i have decided that i think she's going to be cute.  i was oddly worried about that, but when i look at her ultrasound (granted, not the best indicator of potential cuteness) her facial features are really quite cute.  but even if she's goofy looking, she'll grow into it.  not all babies are gerber babies--but all kids are adorable. somehow, they just always are.

but i think she'll be cute. i think she'll take after her daddy, and that DEFINITELY means she'll be cute.


have i overwhelmed you yet? sorry. it's 5:11 and i've been up grading for 2 hours.  par for the course, i guess.

in short: all is well here.  we are healthy and VERY LARGE and i am getting frequently kicked in the rib area and reminded that leaning over to sit is no longer an option and we are getting ready, in every way that we can.

i should probably think about something else besides this, but you know...that's more than is reasonable to ask, i think, of anyone with a kickball-sized stomach. :)

Friday, March 4, 2011

week 34: rebellion update.

cookie dough, three days in a row.

it's good we're getting out of town, because wow with the "lah lah lah it doesn't matter i won't get salmonella lah lah lah" (which i actually think, because i can't even tell you how many times i have eaten cookie dough in my life with no adverse reactions except, you know, the fat it put directly on my butt, but whatever).

good times, y'all.  good times.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

i don't care who you are.

if you haven't seen the way we were, you need to. ASAP. it's old. it's about older times. but who cares? i don't think you can watch that movie and not see something of yourself in the characters. for some reason, though it makes no sense to me, robert redford reminded me of musicboy this time. perhaps it's the depth of feeling for him; maybe it's that "he's so amazing, how could i ever deserve him?" approach that seems to be running throughout. i have no idea, but it was surprising--and i've seen that movie several times before.

i'm always affected.

i'd like to thank tcm for putting it on tv on the day when i am buried in grading. it makes the papers go slower, but infinitely less painfully.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

week 34: the dark side of the force.

don't worry. it's not depression.

i'm pretty sure it's straight up rebellion. 

not from anything that i find fundamentally important--in fact, i think i'm probably doing BETTER in those areas than i have been in ages and ages, partly through motivation and partly through a system that i read about (the "essential," "necessary," and "nice to do" prioritization system that julie beck talks about in a talk that i now can't find so that i can link (grr.)).

but in other things? rebellion.

it's like i'm rather enjoying doing what i shouldn't.

case in point? yesterday. ate some cookie dough. did it out of spite. it was delicious spite, but it was spite nonetheless. 

i feel like sticking it to the man, the man being anyone who gets in my way really, so when musicboy was doing an assignment early this morning and missed his IDIOTIC class that has caused more angst than who-knows-what, i made some weird "power to the people/stick it to the man" sign with my hand and was all congratulatory. i've been trying to get him to ditch something all week. i think it started because he was tired, but has now degenerated into, well, sticking it to the man.

i ate pepperoni on my pita pizza last night. you're all "hey man, not a big deal" and i'm all "hey man, pepperoni has no redeeming value except for its SWEET DELICIOUSNESS so i haven't eaten it in a while."

like i said. straight up rebellion.

and i'm kind of snarky.  i recognized it earlier in the week as mood-swingy freakouts, but i think now it's becoming fun.  i try to stifle the snark so that it's not crazytown and mean, but i'm rather enjoying being just a little bit prickly. 

oh, i'll get over it.  i mean, i'll be perfectly nice and kind and generous to those around me, because i believe in that and that's what you do.  but i think there's something invigorating about the slight rebellious streak. i don't know why. 

it may, in fact, be motivational to deal with previously mentioned fears because, if you don't know this already, one sure way to get me fired up, determined, and (dare i say it) stubborn is to get me mad.  then i don't care what you want to do, i'm doing it my way and i will make it work and heaven help those who get in my way.

i won't take them out, but i won't listen to them either, so i'm seeing this as a bit of a happy portent as well. 

as long as my husband can hang with me in the meantime, i think we're golden.


latest craving: hard candy.  jolly ranchers have satisfied it quite nicely, and the ratio of health impact to satisfaction is quite good.  70 calories for 3? yes please.

latest favorite thing in the world to eat: blueberry nutrigrain waffles with peanut butter and grape jelly on them. delicious. no, really.  i also continue to keep cereal makers in business.  i've never finished this many boxes of cereal in this short an amount of time in my life.


talked to my doctor yesterday, finally, about what we want to do in terms of a birth plan. he said that we didn't need to have anything formally written (not sure how i feel about that; we may have one stashed in the bag when we go to the hospital, JUST IN CASE not to be annoying but here's what we were thinking people who are not our doctor), but i thought it was sort of cute.  when we said we wanted as few interventions as possible, he looked almost offended, and said that he doesn't want interventions either.

(uhm, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to offend you, i promise, dr. laidback! you've been supercool thus far.)

basically, his points were the following:
  • laboring at home is fine, but he worries that with no one to check me, i'll be farther along than i think when i arrive. his words: "we don't want you to be at 10 when you show up."   (my internal response: WHY NOT? big deal. if we make it to the ER, i'll be happy. however, the likelihood of that happening? superslim. we have notoriously long labors with first babies in my family line. i'm expecting a protracted haul, and i'm not showing up until it's obvious that i'm making megaprogress on my own, thankyouverymuch.)
  • though i want no pain meds, if i'm screaming for them, he's not going to deny me. (my response: good. we're on the same page.)
  • he's not an advocate for lots of interventions either; he mentioned specifically internal monitoring, which he doesn't like.  (my response: good. my internal response: HOORAY! MY DOCTOR DOESN'T WANT TO SCREW THINGS INTO MY BABY'S HEAD! he might just be as laidback in delivery as he is about everything else...which is
  • he does want monitoring on the baby during active labor, but he doesn't mind me laboring out of the bed. (my internal response: i'll take what i can get, knowing where i'm going, and i'll try to request mobile monitors and as long as i'm not strapped to a bed, i'm happy. movement is good.  movement is my friend--and he's saying movement is okay!)
  • he's good with as few interventions as possible so long as there's no medical reason to intervene.  (my internal response: RIGHT ON, doc. let's fist bump.)
overall, considering i thought it was going to be a huge fight (and it still may be, but at least my wishes are recorded for posterity in my chart and in his mind), i thought it went quite well.  i have hope about that, which is wonderful.


i should be grading a lot more than i am.  i really should.  i'm behind. like MEGA behind.  i'll catch up, but it's going to take most of spring break to do it, i think, and that'll suck but at least i'll, you know, be caught up.  and then i remember that at this point in the semester i'm pretty much always behind, so it makes me feel less like a lazy pregnant person and more like a normal professor who doesn't like february at all.


a friend of mine posted a link on my facebook page about personalized elmo singalong songs. you could get three for free, or the whole thing for $9.95 and it has your baby's name in it. 

i thought, at first, that this would be the most annoying thing ever.

then i personalized it and listened to the free tracks, and the minute elmo said our baby's name, i cried like the freakishly hormonal pregnant person i am.  and then i bought the whole thing.

(one of the tracks is "transylvania 1-2-3-4-5, which is a counting song with the Count that is in big band style--musicboy appreciated that one. another? elmo's world becomes [Baby Girl]'s world. seriously. i could die of the cuteness.)

it's amazing. 

what's even more amazing is that she's going to be real soon.  and in the world.

given her latest round of activity and kicking, the world better watch out. i'm pretty sure this girl's going to give it a run for its money.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

give them a voice, and you take their power away.

this refers, of course, to fears and not to anything else, because people with a voice normally have more power than those without a voice, but with fears it tends to be the secret, stealthy, insidious kind that make it easy to see them as big, bad bogeymen rather than the stupid fears that they are.

so, given mmeperpetua's invitation to talk about my delivery fears, i will post this. i welcome your insights, if you have them, or the message (which i also know intellectually) that this too shall pass.

things that will not be welcomed warmly (and this is just fair warning per my patchy but present 9 month pregnant self-awareness): telling me i'm crazy for feeling x way (it's the crazy that i dislike), telling me everyone feels this way (great, but that doesn't really help me get past it), or doing the equivalent of a verbal "there, there" distracted head pat.  i'm down if you don't want to say anything, because nobody has to say anything, but dismissing me is not cool. 

i am afraid of:
  • not being able to do delivery the way i want to because i give up on myself. please note that i am not afraid that something will happen that will force me to deviate from my birth plan--if something happens, something happens and we will deal with that, as it is out of my control--but that i am afraid that the reason for deviating is ME.
  • going into delivery thinking i can't do it.  that will not help.
  • being someone who can't deal with the pain.  again with the babies attack tv shows, which seem to indicate that no woman in their right mind can do it naturally, but also with people who are around me who tell me what are supposed to be consoling things like "i could never do it, because i remember how painful it was, so i am impressed."  excuse me if i find that slightly disconcerting.
  • getting cut instead of tearing.  it's so unnecessary.  
  • nurses and doctors not letting me do things my way (not letting me push my way, not letting me labor my way, not letting me deliver my way).
mainly it's just a big nebulous cloud of fears that are all related to this: me having the strength and confidence to do what i know i want to do and, in some moments, know i can do.

you may discuss now, if you wish.  or you may tell me "welcome to the beginning of the end!" because i find that idea, that all of these are PERFECTLY NATURAL AND TEXTBOOK, oddly comforting. 

but ideas would be good. 

and i really am going back to body combat in week 37.  i really am.