Tuesday, January 31, 2012

good grief.

there's so much to say.

new baby coming. edd: september 1st (and i totally called that due date, too).

i'm exhausted and stressed.

maggie is all kinds of developing. walking. nearly talking (she has her own language that makes me laugh. i'm constantly asking her "what does that MEAN?!?").  throwing hissy fits when she doesn't get her way. incredibly cuddly.  adorable and fun.  exhausting. 

my husband is amazing. i am in awe of him. he just...is wonderful. and the most wonderful thing about him, right now to me, is that he sees me exactly the way he's always seen me. the fact that my hair is greasy or that i haven't gotten out of my pajama pants all day or that i shower at odd times when it's an option or that i spend most of my evenings in front of a computer grading things or that i am just struggling and it shows in grumpiness or tiredness or just overwhelmingness...none of this seems to phase him.  we talked a lot on sunday. i am so grateful for him and for the priesthood that he holds. he is so wise.  and he does all he can for me. i think for a long time i tried to be superwoman and do everything myself.  especially since i've been pregnant, that just has gone by the wayside. i really just can't do it all myself and some recent events have taught me that putting everyone and everything ahead of me is actually one of the worst ways to try and take care of my family.  i never really understood that until recently. now i really do.

i'm sorry the blog is so silent, but i really don't have much screen time that's not full of random 2 minute facebooking or grading.  but i'll try to keep you up to date as much as i can. 

someday, i have faith that i will get it all together.  i'm not sure when that will be, but...it will be a someday. and that someday will be a good day.

in the meantime, i'm trying to make all the days inbetween good ones too. i have variable success.

today, however, was a hard but ultimately good day.  that's a good feeling, when you can fight through the bottle refusals and the hissy fits, cry some tears of frustration and think that Heavenly Father must REALLY THINK YOU'RE REALLY VERY CAPABLE OF LOTS OF THINGS, get things done and look forward to the next day's challenges. 

that's, i think, the definition of any mother's good day.

(don't ask me about the toys strewn all over the living room or the dishes in the sink or the laundry piled up in the corners of rooms. i have no comment about those. someday.)

Monday, January 16, 2012

steadfast and immovable.

[if you subscribe to my old defunct but now being resuscitated health/fitness blog, you know this got posted somewhere else. all i can blame is sleep deprivation. oyvey.]

so maggie continues to dally in the dark land of 9 month sleep regression/separation anxiety/co-sleeping and her mom continues to pray earnestly to figure out what the heck is going on with her.

at first, her nights went to heck in a handbasket but her naps were amazing. they had finally lengthened, we were down to 2, and her total was about 2 hours for both (so one was usually 1.25 hours and the other was 45 minutes). she'd wake up happy and chattery.  she was doing fine.

now we're back to supercrappy naps, many of which this week have been less than 45 minutes. she wakes up REALLY annoyed. if i let her, she will fall back to sleep in my arms. yesterday, she slept another hour plus. something is obviously stopping her from sleeping. do i know what it is? no. but the sharp protrusion in her back left top gum makes me think maybe it's a molar.

(really? REALLY?)


(because while i would like The Answer to all of her sleep issues, i really understand that i am never going to find it.)

i have been praying.

in the midst of this, maggie got her first cold.  this is part of the reason why i entirely missed her 9 monthday on this blog and in real life.  sad, but true. so one night, a week or so ago, she was just not having anything to do with her bed. she was uncomfortable, congested, and just one big unhappy camper.  i was laying in bed with her, trying to find a position in which she'd stay comfortable and not screechy, and i was praying. i was praying hard. i was asking what we should do. i was asking if what we were doing was right. i was asking for help. i routinely beg for her to sleep, but these were different types of pleas.

i was at my wits end, to be honest, not knowing what else i could do and feeling like maybe we were entirely screwing her up (anxiety about sleep and sleep habits = this generation's freak out soup du jour). 

now if you asked me if you could really screw a kid up by doing what is necessary to get everybody (including said child) the best and most sleep possible, i would probably say no unless it involved drugging the kid or not giving that child the opportunity to sleep (i.e. keeping the kid up too late, not doing naps, not having a routine, etc.).  but if you're just trying to deal with what life has suckerpunched you with? no.

why do i think this? because somewhere down deep, despite the stupid chaos in my brain from everything i've ever read about sleep, i know that all kids learn to sleep. some kids are better sleepers than others. some kids are prone to nightmares. some kids sleep like the dead. some kids don't sleep the long stretches that they are "supposed to" but end up being 2 grades ahead of everybody in algebra.  whatever.  kids are kids and sleeping is a biological impulse, but it's also developmental. so...every kid learns how to sleep at some point.  and my guess? they do a lot of it themselves.

i think a lot of parents do something to help it along, but every kid is different and every situation is different. so, having assessed our situation, we have figured that what we're doing is what's right for our family for right now.  that said, i still wonder. i still doubt. in fact, i would say i am fairly well plagued with doubts at some points in our journey. 

so this was one of those nights. doubts, they were all over me. 

so i prayed.

and the answer i got was to be steadfast and immovable.

so i thought i knew what that meant. i thought it meant that i should have confidence in the answers that we have been given and in the things that we have decided to do. even in the hard times, i thought that meant that i should not waver.

tonight, as i was considering a very specific question about bedtimes (i've been wavering all over the map with this, hoping that at some point i would hit some magic time that would make her sleep for more than she is in a stretch), the same answer came: steadfast and immovable.

and i think i learned something profound.

answers to prayers are all-encompassing. and we learn about the nature of them as we continue to ponder and try to understand them.

i also learned that Heavenly Father is entirely invested in our success as parents. even when he gives us just what we need, not necessarily what we want, He is investing in our success. if He gave us everything, if He took away the tough stuff, how would we learn? while i understand this sometimes, it doesn't make it easier.

but in moments like tonight, when i was rocking in the dark and praying quietly, i realize that there's really so much more going on than we can ever understand.  yes, i would like maggie to sleep through the night again. yes, i would like that to happen sooner rather than later. but i also understand that she's on her own journey. she's doing what she's doing. maybe she's getting a tooth. maybe she's going to walk tomorrow. maybe she's still recovering from a nasty cold (her mommy is!).  maybe she's just more comfortable with us than without us.

it doesn't really matter.

all that matters is that we're doing our best to stay steady for her.  that we're showing her that she's safe, loved, and that all is well.  that no matter what happens, some things are constant.

we'll get through it. and in the moments when i think we won't, i have confirmation that we are known and loved.  that helps more than i can say.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

oh hi.

hey there.

christmas flew by. let me synopsize it for you.

mad flurry of grading. done before i had to be, which is rare. 
mad flurry of christmas shopping. no christmas debt, thanks to lots of gift card and some serious strategizing. pretty amazing, actually.
mad flurry of traveling. 
bad maggie sleep. 
first maggie steps.
exhausted mama.
awesome husband and grandma to help.
exciting things happening up in here.

what now, you ask? pretty much more of the same. musicboy will be around more this semester, so i'm taking on another class. this is one short of the crazytown 8 class semester of yore, but hopefully, because it's just three different classes, it won't be as nutso as that one was. oh well if it is.

so this week, i reenter the world of "oh yeah. i work for a living." i'm not angry about it. i feel like i got a good break this time, which isn't usually how i feel.  so, i've got a week to plan 7 classes from stem to stern (all of which i have already taught in the form in which i am teaching, so it's tweaking more than anything else).  i can do it.

that's how exciting it gets here in teachergirl world. i read two books and watched the end of friday night lights. hot living, let me tell you. :)