uphill.

i got on the scale today, for the first time in MONTHS, thinking that it would be down from the last time i was on it.  i'm not sure why i thought that, except that i feel a bit smaller, but i was very wrong.

up.  by like 3.8 pounds, and perilously close to entering into another decade of poundage. 

i could be frustrated, but i'm not really.  i'll do what i know to do, and i will let this serve as a reminder to me: i will never, ever be like everybody else. there won't be a time when i don't have to watch what i eat, record my calories, and be cognizant of my exercise plan.  i will never be able to be one of those girls who can eat pizza for breakfast and hot dogs for lunch and hamburgers and fries for dinner and stay at my happy weight.

i used to rail against this. sometimes i still do.  sometimes i'm angry that my challenge is one that i wear on my hips, on my stomach, in my heart.  sometimes i'm angry that i have to learn and re-learn how to see myself, to take the image in the mirror and filter out the negative voices and see myself the way that i should be seeing myself, the way my husband sees me, the way the people who love me see me.

but now i'm beginning to feel like i could have a worse challenge to face.  this is my individual challenge, but what am i getting out of it? what am i learning now? well, primarily, i'm learning how to eat well every day, to make good choices every time.  why is this good? because, eventually, i want that to be my habit. i think, honestly, it actually is.  i have to make conscious choices to not eat well.  that used to be the reverse, but now it's not.  it's still a choice to eat well, but it's a choice that's easier for me to make.  since that's what i want for our family--to eat healthy and to be active--i'm happy to have this struggle if it means that i am being taught how to do what i desperately want to do in the future.

what else am i learning? i am much stronger than i used to be.  we went to the stadium on monday, to walk the stairs and do laps around the stadium.  before my knee gave out on me (there's always something...), i realized that i was a lot stronger on monday than i was when we used to go before we got married.  i'm twenty pounds heavier, but i'm stronger and more fit.  how that makes sense i'll never understand, but i'm happy about that.  i'm able to do things with my body that i didn't think i could.  i think that's wonderful news.  that makes me happy.

and all of these things help me realize that maybe, just maybe, i am getting to the point where i'm beginning to shift my perspective about body image.  though i'm not happy with this extra weight, because i've been lower and i want to be lower still, some things i can control and some things i can't.  all i can do is all i can do.

so i'll do what i know to do.  i have two weeks before the semester begins.  i have a big calendar with exercise classes mapped out.  i logged back into my online food diary and started recording again.

and i'll keep trying to look at the weaknesses that are becoming strengths, because i think in the grand scheme of things, that's what's important.

all while i'm trudging up a hill that probably won't ever level out.  we all have them. this is just one of mine.