or maybe they do, but they don't mean it in the way that you think.
after exhausting the last two seasons of bones on streaming netflix (the only two i had missed, really) over the past few weeks, i tried a couple of other shows (hi, monarch of the glen, you're BORING and 24 you're too violent for the early morning (which probably means you're too violent for any time)) but found myself bored. after finishing a book, i turned on julie and julia. yes, i've seen it before, but only once and thought i would give it another shot.
and i found myself, by the end, trying to think of a goal like hers, something that i could work on that would give me a sense of purpose and accomplishment.
what i am finding fairly interesting over the past few weeks is how unaccustomed i am now to not doing much. while i enjoy not doing anything, i find it somewhat uncomfortable, like when you tweak your back just a little bit and you feel like if you can just pop it a little, all will be right with the world.
(oh yeah. i did that too in body combat today. hooray!)
it just doesn't quite fit anymore. i have become, most likely from necessity, goal oriented. i am glad to be such--i always feel like i am better off when i have something to work on, something to work for. i told musicboy the other day, while we were painting, that if people remembered me as hard working after i'm gone, i would be happy. of course, i would like them to also remember me as someone that they liked, someone who loved those around her, and someone who showed compassion and kindness, but i also want my work ethic to be clear.
this, i think, is part of the reason why i keep searching for the next project, the next thing that will help me become more of the person that i want to be.
at the same time, i wonder if i will really feel this yearning for something to do, something to become, in a few months when the fall comes and the chaos descends. i somehow doubt it, though i don't want to get swept up into the whirlwind again, like i did last fall. i want to be more like i was this spring, where i managed to get things done without feeling completely overwhelmed by my to-do list.
i want to keep some projects, some goals, in mind that go beyond the stuff that i always want: to lose weight, to stay in shape, to keep the house clean, to be a good wife, to work hard and be a good teacher, to keep my covenants.
i think for right now, my immediate big project will be packing. i haven't really paid attention to it at all and the moving date continues to draw nearer and my discontent with our old house, which has decided to have electrical issues, continues to grow. the first step is the box hunt. perhaps i will convince musicboy to take me on a box hunt tomorrow.
i know i've been writing about the same thing over and over. i would apologize, except that this is life and this is where i write about it and right now it's pretty boring except for this lingering desire to do something that's a project that i can look at and say wow.
i have a crossstitch that i'm working on. it will take me a LONG time, but it's satisfying when i start seeing portions of it come together. it's something that i think will look lovely in our home, so i'm excited to do that.
i have a plan to make a family home evening assignment sign. i looked at them online and they cost something like $30. i think i can do it for cheaper and cuter, so we'll see. that project's just in the embryonic idea phase.
i'm finally starting my wedding scrapbook this month. i'm hoping, with a lovely friend's help, i'll be able to finish it this summer. i think, however, that it will likely be the project that continues on into my fall.
so, it's not like i don't have projects to do. it's nice to be able to have time to do these things that i've been saying i wanted to do for ages. but, i guess compared with the dissertation, these projects seem...unimportant. i've been accustomed to having a big project of mega-stress-inducing proportion hanging over my head. i guess maybe i'm trying to find another one?
what the crazy.
that makes sense, though. adjustment makes sense.
nevertheless...i'm still on the hunt for something. i'm just still not entirely sure what it is.