i doubt if godot is going to show up, but i'm here if he does.

"Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him..."--psalms 37:7

i feel like i've gotten a fair bit of experience with waiting for things.  i've mentioned before, ad nauseum perhaps, that i waited a long time for musicboy, both literally and figuratively. for those of you new to my life, in my world people get married early, so i was practically a day-old bread product by the time i got married at the ripe old age of 31.

(yes, i do recognize that that is neither old nor unusual in the real world, but i'm talking LDS dating world, and that's on the far end of the bell curve.)

i also waited while musicboy served his mission, which was two years well-spent. i'm pretty sure it was while we were away that we realized, individually and without discussion with each other, that we were rather unwilling to have a life where the other one was not featured prominently.

ANYWAY.

i feel like i've learned a little something about waiting on the Lord.

funny how i don't feel like He thinks i've learned enough.  here i am, speaking quite vaguely and without any real specifics because that's how it needs to be, waiting again.  unlike last time, when i was waiting for the right guy, this time it's something specific and something important but something that i just have to wait for.

there's no way to rush it, there's no way to control it, really.

it's just waiting. again.

but since marrying musicboy, i don't think i've really rested in the Lord. i don't think i have been enough.  before, there came a point in time when i decided that it wasn't up to me, i had no control, so i was going to do all that i could to make my life what i wanted and leave the rest in the capable and loving hands of Someone who knew much more than me.

that's when the peace and the life that i wanted really began.  and, not surprisingly, that's right around the time that i met musicboy.

but i think, despite my smug assurances to myself at times that i really did learn a lot of lessons about waiting, i still have lessons to learn about patience and about waiting well. just like endurance, i think patience and waiting can be done well.  i think, this time, i'm striving to wait well. 

i think this is the first time in a long time that i've made that conscious decision--to wait. to wait happily. to be content in waiting.  to wait until moved upon to no longer wait anymore.

i have my moments of fear and questioning--secondguessing myself, embracing the jittery feeling that we all get as we wait in that Waiting Place--but for the most part, i am just waiting. 

(and right now i think waiting is the easiest thing to do.  sometimes, waiting is recuperative. i think waiting, right now, is also important for the way it is nourishing me.  sometimes our wait is less about patience and more about preparation.)

and choosing to wait well, i think, is a lesson the Lord feels i need to continue to learn.  i see, with each opportunity to be patient and to subjugate my desires for RIGHTNOW to the more eternal perspective, the good parts of me growing. i am more understanding of those around me, i am more empathetic, i see more clearly the areas in my life that i need to work on, and i am able to access the peace of the Spirit more. 

in the patience comes the learning, and i am grateful for that. i feel like i have a lot to learn.

and so i'm waiting.

one is silver and the other gold.

i think there are times when i realize that being an adult means that, sometimes, the friends you once had are no longer your friends.

it's not because you fought, or because anybody did anything wrong. there's no real drama at all, really. it's because life almost imperceptibly happens, moment by moment, pulling you further and further apart until you wake up one day and realize that the gulf between you is probably just too big to bridge.  you might even try to throw a line across that ever-widening canyon of distance, but your lines go unacknowledged and your echoed calls seem only to bounce back at you.

my mom warned me about this--that when you're an adult, you have a lot of acquaintances and few really good friends--but i don't think i've seen it happen in slow motion and felt somewhat powerless to stop it until recently. 

it makes me sad, in a way that brings guilt because perhaps i should have done more.  i should have been a better friend, i should have done more, i should have been more. perhaps i will be held accountable for that.

but then i think about the landscape of my life now and realize that, though it might be less densely populated, it is no less rich.  people are in your life for a reason, for a season, and then they aren't.  while i may wish for something different, or wish to have it all, perhaps it's not meant to be.  maybe the guilt is unnecessary, because the mission of friendship with that person is over.  maybe it's just run its natural course. 

how blessed i am by friends who have staying power, and how blessed i am by the friends who come in and out of my life as they will. 

tomorrow, tomorrow, i love ya tomorrow.

well, the tomorrow i've been planning for is nearly here, and who knows how well i'll do?

i face every first day with a bit of trepidation. this time it seems like less, perhaps by virtue of the fact that summer classes are (sort of) easier, or the fact that i've been thinking about other things for so long that i'm just not invested yet, or by an odd mixture of procrastination and denial, but i'm just not worried about it.

but i have been thinking about what to wear for about a week, so that's always a good sign that i haven't completely blown it off. 

nevetheless, back to the grind tomorrow.  i like first days because even though i have to earn their respect, they easily give it tomorrow.  the next day?

that's when it's game on.

the cursor mocks me.

there's a wide gulf, sometimes, between what's rattling around in my head and what i feel comfortable sharing on the internet for the entire world to see.  i think that's natural is this pseudo-hybrid-public-private model, and i don't mind it.  but the somewhat odd feeling comes when i feel the pull to write and the equally powerful pull to not write.  it's a strange gulf to navigate.

if i could find my journal, i would write in it, but i can't, so here i am.

(i think i may buy another one soon.  there's more and more frequently times when i find myself trying to bridge that gap.)

i began working on my syllabi for the fall today.  the public speaking ones are so easy, it's almost insane.  i almost feel bad.  but i don't. i feel ever-so-grateful for a shared syllabus.

i mainly began on the new class for local cc, which is supposed to be developed from this template that i got yesterday. it's an easy template to follow when it comes to scheduling--it's quite lovely, actually, and has the timelines and the major writing assignments all figured out.  i like that.  yes, please, do my thinking for me.

what it doesn't have is any indication of what wording needs to be in place for policies, procedures, etc.  i find that incredibly perplexing, since in the land of Collegetown U, such language is always proscribed and passed down from supervisor to teacher with much wailing and gnashing of teeth lest you forget a link or a paragraph on plagiarism.

so i guess i just have to figure it out, even though i've never worked for local cc before.

ANNOYING. sheesh. i have to do my own work?

it has, however, been nice to begin to slip back into the groove of things. seven weeks of vacation is just too much for me, although i have done quite a lot of good work on a massive crossstitch project that i bought a while back and i now have a pretty clear plan of what i want to do for my wedding scrapbook. that's exciting progress.

as i began to discover toward the end of last semester, i do better when i have projects. i believe i will keep at the crossstitch and at the scrapbooking as a way of clearing my mind and keeping my stress level down. it works; it really does.

the other thing i've done? watched nearly all three seasons of roswell.  it's not a great show, but it's easy and it gives me background noise (which, honestly, is a far slip back from where i had gotten last semester, when i was working without noise at all), and the Christmas episode from season three just made me cry, so there's that.

but i've lost the will to do anything related to housework. the laundry is still in unfolded piles from when i did it last week and the dishes continue to pile up.  i could have been very productive in terms of shredding the year's worth of credit card offers that have piled up or going through our closets and packing non-essential items into garbage bags, but i haven't and i won't until i absolutely have to, because that's how i roll.

but on my last day of "freedom," i'm looking forward to being a slave to a schedule again.  i'll still have plenty of time to do the things that i want to do, and the things that i need to do, but perhaps the craziness will kickstart the part of my brain that has dinner ideas.

because my only ones this week have been places that take debit cards. 

do as i'm doing.

my darling musicboy has a blog now.  go read it, so he'll have a "public" to await his every word.  he's pretty funny, too. not always funny like me, if you call me funny, but i think he'll be a slammin' blogger. 

i know i breathlessly await his next post.  i hope he says i'm pretty.

where ya been, teachergirl?

i feel like it's been YEARS since i posted.  i don't think it actually has, but it feels that way. oh the guilt. it was pressing on me.

so here i am.  and i have a confession.

i am a bit of a gym snob. 

i don't say that because i think i'm so much better than everyone else, but actually the opposite--if i can do it, why can't you?

i recognize that this is in fact specious reasoning, but let me tell you how it manifests itself. 

my gym has a summer policy of allowing high school students to have free memberships.  i knew that this time was coming, and i knew that it would likely annoy me to have high school girls kickin' it up with me in combat.  i knew that it would mean more competition for treadmills and a way lower median age of people frequenting the gym. 

but i didn't know it would turn me into a snotnosed jerk.

but in combat yesterday, one of the rare occasions i had when i could actually attend the monday class, i found myself alternately annoyed and quite pleased at the behavior of the four high school girls who came. it was obviously the first time for two of them, and they were sort of lost with the choreography.

that's okay. i've been there. heck, sometimes i'm still there.

but they just...gave up. if something got complicated or if they missed a move, they gave up. they didn't get back in it. they sort of limparmed the punches and halfheartedly kicked, especially one girl who reminded me (not because of her behavior) of my old roommate saf.  she just...gave up.

and i found myself annoyed.

in my head, i kept saying, really yelling, in my head: "what are you doing? do you not understand that YOUR BODY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AS IT IS NOW? do you not understand what a precious gift you have right now, with the metabolism that lets you eat pizza and fries and burn it while sitting on the couch watching the hills? YOU ARE SO LUCKY! take advantage of it!"

but then, when people around me seemed to struggle and i was rockin' it out, i felt quite pleased with myself.  i am a beast. i am better than you. watch me and be humbled.

like me.  you know, humble like me.

ahem.

anyway, that's where my head is at. i watch the people in my classes and i either compete with them in my head, which often happens, and fall short or i find myself lording my own experience over other people in the class who seem to be halfhearted in their efforts. 

(of course the choreography is easier for me...i've been going for FIVE MONTHS straight. i don't miss class unless there's a reason.  i'm either dying or out of the area code. so it stands to reason that, say, a jab/cross/hook combination is easier for me because i actually know what that means and what it's supposed to look and feel like.)

but that's stupid and i don't really like it, but i'm learning that the gym makes very clear all of the things you don't like about yourself, not only physically but mentally as well.

i don't love that i'm a gym snob, but i do love that i know what i'm doing and no longer feel like a novice.  that i do love. 

i'll put up with the crowded classes and the high school interlopers for a while longer, and hopefully will exercise my charity along with my quads.  it's clear that one needs more work than the other.

the two songs that got me through the last 15 minutes of my 2.5 miles outside, in the 97 degree heat index?

mmmbop by hansen and all these things that i have done by the killers.

i cannot think of two more different songs, but they still penetrated the ipod noise (you know what i mean...you hear the song, and it helps you move, but it doesn't get you going) and made me feel less like i wanted to die.

in other news, the dissertation made it through first submission, which means I.AM.GOLDEN.

in other other news, lady audley's secret is surprisingly good so far. i am one hundred pages into the four hundred page sensation novel. i said i would not read classics, but i ran out of books and it was on the shelf. and i am pleasantly surprised so far.

laundry day today.  i will read and feel ZERO guilt.  happy friday, all!

warning: the boringest post ever below.

the dissertation, in its envelope folder (a requirement which i found both difficult to interpret and annoying), is in the hands of the editorial office.

oh please let them accept it. oh please let them accept it. oh please let them accept it.

it took longer than i thought and i, of course, waited until the last minute, but i worked really hard and did what they asked me to do.  but i still have this overwhelming yet peripheral (can those things coexist?) fear that they will email me and say "sorry. totally wrong.  you suck and now have to graduate in december." 

the likelihood of that is small, but nonetheless it is present.  the last lingering vestiges of dissertation angst.  oh don't you love it? i know i do.

(ha!)

this upcoming week is the last before i start teaching again, and even then i have a new OIOHL class that starts tuesday. can i tell you how much i don't want to teach that class? A LOT.  i may be nearing burnout on OIOHL classes, but until i'm sure that we're financially solid this summer (read: until i get my first paycheck from collegetown u for work accomplished), i will keep taking them. 

we move in less than a month.  in fact, we move four weeks from tomorrow.  have i done anything? of course not.  why would i do that?

it's so hot here. like SO hot.  i don't even go outside much and it's hot. 

ahaha. i can tell this summer's going to be a doozy.  :)

this is the most uninteresting post i've ever written.  but i felt the need to update, even though the update was painfully boring and slightly whiny.  that's probably the best update there is of me this week:  painfully boring and slightly whiny. though i fear melting into a puddle of sweat and death next week when i start having to show up to teach at 11am (it's at least 157 degrees by then), i think i will be quite happy to have a schedule again.

maybe then i'll remember that i need to plan ahead in order to make dinner. i keep forgetting about dinner until it's that point where i think "everything's frozen, and i'm hungry" and when subway starts sounding like a viable option. while that works for one night, multiple nights in a row makes that behavior seem a bit...pathetic. 

busy is good. i do well with busy.

that's all. i'm hungry. i should go make dinner now. 

impossible.

someone needs to explain to me how to distill a 200 page dissertation down to 200 words.  then that same person needs to explain how to write about that same 200 page dissertation in 150 words to a "general audience" and explain how it contributes to my state and local community.

and if you can do that, i'd also like to know how to end world hunger, find jeans that make me look fantastic and don't make me want to die in the heat, and bake a chocolate cake that actually burns calories rather than adding them.

because all of those things?

impossible.

confession.

i would like to be a fitness instructor someday.

i know it's ridiculous, i know i'll probably never do it, but the more i attend fitness classes and realize how much i love group exercise, i realize how much i would like to be strong enough and fit enough and good enough to be an instructor.

i've mentioned, briefly, the instructor that i would follow to the ends of the earth. she hasn't been superfriendly to me lately, not like she was in the beginning, and i wonder if it's a negative change in my form or abilities that is creating that, but that's neither here nor there.  she just seems so...accessible. she's not a crazy fitness freak. she's a mom, she's a wife.  she loves what she does, and obviously so, but she also messes up and she forgets the choreography, and she misses cues and i love that.

i don't think i've ever seen folks who taught classes as human before--not in this way.  instead, i always saw them as a different kind of being who were supernaturally strong and never poured down sweat during a class.

(my instructor does. if you go up to her after combat, she's just as nasty as the rest of us. i find that oddly comforting.)

but she's younger than me, certainly, and today's body pump class that she taught demonstrated to me that she has way more muscle tone than i probably ever will.

but i have to believe that, somehow, maybe it's not a bad dream to have.  perhaps it will help me keep working, help me realize that maybe i have something to give.  maybe i'll never get there, but maybe it will give me the confidence to keep working.

we all have pie-in-the-sky dreams.  this is mine, born only recently.  it won't ever happen, but there you go.

(and btw, my insane goal for the next two weeks is to do three body classes in one day: body pump at 6am, body combat at 1030am, and body flow at 705pm.  i want to do it next monday, so this week will be full of double classes to try to work up to it. i think i can do it, so stop worrying mom. :) )

--

ps: a few of my friends and i have started a healthy living blog. there are a wide variety of contributors, including moms and singles and newly married, and a wide variety of perspectives, including "real food" and clean eating folks and those who are just trying to resist the siren song of ice cream. i'm hoping to post recipes and ways to make recipes more healthy.  we'd love to have your perspective too! you can find us at http://somaybemomwasright.blogspot.com/.

riddle me this.

my cholesterol went up 10 points in two weeks, after eating well and exercising 3 times a week. 

i have no idea what else to do, but i'm beginning to think it has something to do with birth control pills.  i don't know what to do, except that i am eating better than i've eaten probably in a few months and i'm exercising more. 

gah. 

GAH.

uphill.

i got on the scale today, for the first time in MONTHS, thinking that it would be down from the last time i was on it.  i'm not sure why i thought that, except that i feel a bit smaller, but i was very wrong.

up.  by like 3.8 pounds, and perilously close to entering into another decade of poundage. 

i could be frustrated, but i'm not really.  i'll do what i know to do, and i will let this serve as a reminder to me: i will never, ever be like everybody else. there won't be a time when i don't have to watch what i eat, record my calories, and be cognizant of my exercise plan.  i will never be able to be one of those girls who can eat pizza for breakfast and hot dogs for lunch and hamburgers and fries for dinner and stay at my happy weight.

i used to rail against this. sometimes i still do.  sometimes i'm angry that my challenge is one that i wear on my hips, on my stomach, in my heart.  sometimes i'm angry that i have to learn and re-learn how to see myself, to take the image in the mirror and filter out the negative voices and see myself the way that i should be seeing myself, the way my husband sees me, the way the people who love me see me.

but now i'm beginning to feel like i could have a worse challenge to face.  this is my individual challenge, but what am i getting out of it? what am i learning now? well, primarily, i'm learning how to eat well every day, to make good choices every time.  why is this good? because, eventually, i want that to be my habit. i think, honestly, it actually is.  i have to make conscious choices to not eat well.  that used to be the reverse, but now it's not.  it's still a choice to eat well, but it's a choice that's easier for me to make.  since that's what i want for our family--to eat healthy and to be active--i'm happy to have this struggle if it means that i am being taught how to do what i desperately want to do in the future.

what else am i learning? i am much stronger than i used to be.  we went to the stadium on monday, to walk the stairs and do laps around the stadium.  before my knee gave out on me (there's always something...), i realized that i was a lot stronger on monday than i was when we used to go before we got married.  i'm twenty pounds heavier, but i'm stronger and more fit.  how that makes sense i'll never understand, but i'm happy about that.  i'm able to do things with my body that i didn't think i could.  i think that's wonderful news.  that makes me happy.

and all of these things help me realize that maybe, just maybe, i am getting to the point where i'm beginning to shift my perspective about body image.  though i'm not happy with this extra weight, because i've been lower and i want to be lower still, some things i can control and some things i can't.  all i can do is all i can do.

so i'll do what i know to do.  i have two weeks before the semester begins.  i have a big calendar with exercise classes mapped out.  i logged back into my online food diary and started recording again.

and i'll keep trying to look at the weaknesses that are becoming strengths, because i think in the grand scheme of things, that's what's important.

all while i'm trudging up a hill that probably won't ever level out.  we all have them. this is just one of mine.

netflix doesn't tell you that it will change your life.

or maybe they do, but they don't mean it in the way that you think.

after exhausting the last two seasons of bones on streaming netflix (the only two i had missed, really) over the past few weeks, i tried a couple of other shows (hi, monarch of the glen, you're BORING and 24 you're too violent for the early morning (which probably means you're too violent for any time)) but found myself bored. after finishing a book, i turned on julie and julia.  yes, i've seen it before, but only once and thought i would give it another shot.

and i found myself, by the end, trying to think of a goal like hers, something that i could work on that would give me a sense of purpose and accomplishment. 

what i am finding fairly interesting over the past few weeks is how unaccustomed i am now to not doing much. while i enjoy not doing anything, i find it somewhat uncomfortable, like when you tweak your back just a little bit and you feel like if you can just pop it a little, all will be right with the world.

(oh yeah. i did that too in body combat today. hooray!)

it just doesn't quite fit anymore.  i have become, most likely from necessity, goal oriented.  i am glad to be such--i always feel like i am better off when i have something to work on, something to work for.  i told musicboy the other day, while we were painting, that if people remembered me as hard working after i'm gone, i would be happy. of course, i would like them to also remember me as someone that they liked, someone who loved those around her, and someone who showed compassion and kindness, but i also want my work ethic to be clear.

this, i think, is part of the reason why i keep searching for the next project, the next thing that will help me become more of the person that i want to be.

at the same time, i wonder if i will really feel this yearning for something to do, something to become, in a few months when the fall comes and the chaos descends. i somehow doubt it, though i don't want to get swept up into the whirlwind again, like i did last fall. i want to be more like i was this spring, where i managed to get things done without feeling completely overwhelmed by my to-do list. 

i want to keep some projects, some goals, in mind that go beyond the stuff that i always want: to lose weight, to stay in shape, to keep the house clean, to be a good wife, to work hard and be a good teacher, to keep my covenants.

i think for right now, my immediate big project will be packing. i haven't really paid attention to it at all and the moving date continues to draw nearer and my discontent with our old house, which has decided to have electrical issues, continues to grow.  the first step is the box hunt. perhaps i will convince musicboy to take me on a box hunt tomorrow.

i know i've been writing about the same thing over and over. i would apologize, except that this is life and this is where i write about it and right now it's pretty boring except for this lingering desire to do something that's a project that i can look at and say wow. 

i have a crossstitch that i'm working on. it will take me a LONG time, but it's satisfying when i start seeing portions of it come together.  it's something that i think will look lovely in our home, so i'm excited to do that.

i have a plan to make a family home evening assignment sign.  i looked at them online and they cost something like $30. i think i can do it for cheaper and cuter, so we'll see. that project's just in the embryonic idea phase.

i'm finally starting my wedding scrapbook this month. i'm hoping, with a lovely friend's help, i'll be able to finish it this summer.  i think, however, that it will likely be the project that continues on into my fall. 

so, it's not like i don't have projects to do. it's nice to be able to have time to do these things that i've been saying i wanted to do for ages.  but, i guess compared with the dissertation, these projects seem...unimportant. i've been accustomed to having a big project of mega-stress-inducing proportion hanging over my head. i guess maybe i'm trying to find another one?

what the crazy. 


that makes sense, though.  adjustment makes sense.

nevertheless...i'm still on the hunt for something.  i'm just still not entirely sure what it is. 

weekend update.

weekends are supposed to be recuperative, right? well, when you spend your whole week lazing about and go down to the in-laws after your father-in-law has back surgery and your mother-in-law has been at the hospital for essentially a week with him, your weekend is full of tasks that need to be done.

as musicboy described it, i had a "git r done" attitude this weekend.

it's true. what she asked us to do, we did.

i mowed the front and back yard myself. i haven't mowed a lawn in YEARS, possibly decades in fact, and the last time i did it i had horrible memories of awful exertion. while it was HOT and i got BURNT (it did not even occur to me to slather on some sunscreen even though it was 11am on a HOT day), it wasn't bad at all. i even started that beast several times myself (something i had never been able to do with the previous mowers i worked with). 

it was nice to prove that i could do it.

then it was stripping a disgusting castle wallpaper, running errands, and painting in the new house that my in-laws closed on the day or so before my father-in-law's surgery.

(it's HUGE.  i mean incredible. i think the reason it feels so huge is because the ceilings are so high.  but there's a huge amount of yard and just wow. i quite like the house, but i'm not sure it's my kind of house.  i don't know how to explain that, but i loved parts of it and then other parts of it were too posh or too strangely put together for my taste. but then again, i have no idea what my taste is, so there you go.)

then i had to find some internet before midnight to work at OIOHL, which i found at a mcdonalds. 

by the end of that saturday, i was exhausted. 

it didn't get much better (sleep isn't good for the sunburned, especially when sharing a too-small bed) and then it was spending two hours with six or seven two-year-olds who were not having good days. it seemed like every single one of them had some sort of meltdown.  one of them, though, got better through cuddles, so that was redeeming. 

but my weekend was exhausting, is my point.

even still, i was so glad to have done it.  i felt like losing myself in service was exactly what needed to be done.  if that meant sweating and burning and painting and scraping, so be it. i just wanted musicboy's mom to have some support. 

but i'm tired still and i'm glad that today is the last day of my class at OIOHL.  i have to finalize the dissertation and submit it to the graduate school, sign some papers, and plan some classes.  but mainly i'm just glad to be able to not be beholden to anyone. i'm glad to be able to go to an additional body combat class if i want and incorporate body pump into my life more regularly.  i'm glad to be able to go places and do things for a couple of weeks without worrying about OIOHL, although it really is only two weeks, because a new class begins then.

in fact, two weeks is really all that's left of my summer break. 

i'll have to make good use of it, won't i?

the best day.

it's wedding season on facebook, so all kinds of beautiful pictures have been posted over the past week or so.  and i find myself oddly nostalgic for our wedding.  i think this is good, since this will be the summer of the wedding scrapbook, but i also find it somewhat odd.

i've never been one of those people who constantly looks back and wishes that she could relive moments of life.  i think i'm pretty good and thinking "hmm. that was good." and then moving on to try to create the next good thing.

but if i could relive one day, it would be that day. it was probably the most perfect day ever, from watching bridezillas the night before and being so very glad to not be them, to waking up at 4 something in the morning to get ready, to the blistering heat and sweating too much in my dress, to fire ants eating my friends and family on the lawn of the temple, to our amazing first dance medley that ended in the wedding party dancing to thriller, to getting four inches of fondant shoved in my mouth, to getting called a princess at our hotel by a little girl passing by...it was all magical. 

but most especially it was magical because it was the beginning of something so miraculous and wonderful and so much larger and more expansive than just me.  and the people i love were there and there was perfect joy.

how often can you say that about any day?

there's joy every day, really, but it's sort of strange to be on the other side now.  we were the newlyweds for a long time.  not so much anymore. i'm happy for the changing of the guard--i'm glad to give up my spot and move into the regular married people club--but it's also sort of odd at the same time.

musicboy told me it didn't feel like we'd been married as long as we have, which comparatively speaking is not long at all. i agreed with him wholeheartedly.

i feel all kinds of changes coming, and i'm not sure why other than changes ARE coming. new house, which i've posted about before ad nauseum, new school for musicboy, graduation and a new doctor life for me (which will resemble, remarkably, the old one)...lots of things going on. 

maybe i'm just trying to try it all on, see how it all fits.  so far, it feels a bit different and somewhat strange...but not bad.

just...different. 

the joke's not funny.

i'm pretty sure my body is mocking me. 

i decide to be all healthy-like, and i have cramps that just make me want to do almost anything other than what needs to be done.  (the anything that sounds best is lay in bed watching netflix online.)  the idea of the gym is laughable to me today.  i was going to go to the stadium today, but a combination of factors make that not likely to happen.

i am not sad. in any way.

and then i had a massive headache yesterday that wouldn't go away.  hooray.

maybe my body's just getting in some licks before i start punishing it and putting it into megaservice. who knows.

but it ain't funny and it could stop anytime now.

--

ps. i don't think my body combat instructor likes me anymore. i don't know if it's because i've seemed more complaining lately (it's my process...i don't complain to her, but i groan a little when the tough tracks come on, which i didn't do before, and i've had to stop more lately, which i know she doesn't like) or what, but she used to talk to me and then i went out of town and now she doesn't talk to me at all. 

and i don't like all the new people, especially the one girl who squeals all the time. either say "HI-YA!" in true martial arts fashion, or shut up.  but don't squeal. it's ANNOYING.

but this whole instructor not liking me thing bothers me more than i can say, both because it's happening and because i care. i so want to be impressive and that's preposterous. i should compete with myself. 

gah.

growing.

i mentioned before that i thought i was getting a little cabin fever, that i was beginning to get bored with all of this not doing anything not having anything to do except whatever i want to do which is never what needs to be done in the house kind of deal.

i have figured out what it is.

eureka!

i'm tired of this house and i'm desperate to move. good thing it happens in about six weeks, eh?

stuff is breaking and it's annoying, but not annoying enough for me to call them and have them fix it before we move. i don't want to deal with it.

i am so excited to move.  it's double the space, and it's a two-story, which just to me seems like HEAPS of space.  while i'm certain the packing and moving process will be superannoying (for example, i was thinking last night as i was falling asleep about how i have no idea where to stack boxes as i pack them--we just really don't have any space at all.  i'll get creative, but eck.), i'm so looking forward to getting into that new place, and painting it, and making it a real home. while i am grateful for this home, especially since it will be where we will stay for the next couple of years (i really sincerely hope so...). 

i feel like this sort of feeling is pervasive across my life.  things are changing, and i'm ready for the changes. i don't like feeling in limbo, feeling like what i'm doing doesn't really matter.

i'm enjoying the reprieve, but i'm getting more ready for the changes. 

i am excited.  i wish it would just hurry.