in which i gain perspective.

just a caveat to my last post. thank you to those of you who posted and felt the same way that i did.  it did make me feel a bit more justified in my reaction, which i admit may have been exacerbated by who-knows-what kind of hormonal reaction. 

i will say that, in the forgiving light of morning, having been told by you all and my husband to not let anyone steal the wind from my celebratory sails, that i feel a bit guilty for being all SHE WAS MEAN! on the internets.

she wasn't mean. she was just...pragmatically realistic.  i shouldn't whine and complain and get all judge-y because she was saying something i didn't want to know. everyone's process is different, and i'm sure for many the defense and the revisions are the hardest part.  for me?  the draft was the behemoth.  so i guess this is my plea to not think ill of her for saying what is likely a very logical point just because i was all WAH.  i'm fine. i understand it. i am choosing now not to be offended, and i apologize for spewing my offendedness all over the internets.

and what perpetua said is true. i will pass. i will negotiate the comments and revise where needed and when i feel like i can't, i will ask my director for help because that's what you do. 

anyway.

i don't know what has happened in the last week or so, but i feel like i approach life with much more hope and much less panic. i literally feel lighter and happier than i have in quite a few months, a tough feat considering the last year or so has been the happiest and most joyful of my life.  (that happens when your dreams come true.)  some of you will say that duh, carrie, you are finishing your dissertation.  but i think what's ASTONISHING to me is how much that really weighed on me.  like, literally. how does that happen? how do we let that happen? when all of the anxious expectations and guilt-laden shoulds coalesce into one big ball of yuck that sits just below your heart and never yields to any sort of enticing to be gone.  how do we live with that for so long? 

i slept abominably last week, but what i did achieve was this sort of zen-like chill state.  i just...deal with things with less anxiety.  i'm just not freaked out by them as much. 

i can't think of really anything that changed except that i think that i started asking for divine assistance more often instead of trying to wage war on my to-do list on my own. i think i started believing that i was getting that assistance (though i know i was getting it all along) and seeing the help in my life every day, and i started letting go of the things that didn't matter.  the incredible pressure that we put on ourselves every.single.day. is paralyzing. 

that's how i felt on most days. paralyzed with worry about how to do everything.  how to be everything. how to make things happen.

i don't feel that anymore.  i definitely stopped trying to MAKE.THINGS.HAPPEN. things happen when they happen. i have control over a very few things in my life, most of which stems from the actions i take and the way i choose to feel about the actions others take.  what the future holds? what other people do? no control over it.  worrying about it doesn't change that at all. 

so now, i just feel...happy.  maybe it's a combination of the power of Heaven, the power of sunshine, and the power of knowing that there are just a few weeks left before work is DONE and i have a legitimate break.  maybe it's the knowledge that, in reality, i am doing it. i am doing more than i have ever done before and doing it pretty well.

maybe it's a tender mercy of the Lord.

whatever it is, i will take it. it will carry me through the next few weeks and into summer with a simple joy that can only be expressed by simple gratitude for things like birds singing in the trees when i get home and seeing the good things people do as just that--good things that people do.  my heart feels fuller of love and gratitude for everything--even the students that make me nuts.

i am so blessed. i know i say that a lot, but i like when i actually feel it as an emotion.  sometimes, i count my blessings as a way of counting my way out of worry and sadness.  this time, i just feel incredibly blessed. 

i like seeing the world through these glasses.  it's a pretty view.