Thursday, April 15, 2010

facebook suddenly skeeves me out.

immature ex who basically cheated on me but who i don't care about anymore, but must still be awkward-feeling toward because i'm skeeved out by the idea of him, is back.

from like across four oceans and an international dateline.

the likelihood of me having to see him is VERY small indeed. in fact, i very much hope that he makes tracks across the country to some other place and does his whole thing over there so that i don't have to.  then i can go back to my existence, which happily and very rarely ever thought of him at all, except when musicboy brought it up or when some media piece evokes memories (stupid alicia keys. suck it.).

but since i realized he was back, i got really jittery. that's the best way to describe it--like i'm waiting for him to pop around a corner and i'm petrified of what will happen when he does.

(the reality, the peaceful, rational, normal part of my FREAK of a brain, tells me that i would be fine. i might be initially AWKWARD internally, but i would make pleasant small talk, cling to my husband or else make tracks out of there, and probably not be rocked much at all.  i have come a long way since when i cared what homeboy thought.)

it's the way i was straightaway after we split.  we moved in similar circles, and sometimes those circles would inadvertently cross and i would have to deal with him and new girlfriend, and it was really difficult for me. i hated then how difficult it was for me, but it really was.  it took a long time for me to be okay with it, but i don't think i ever really forgot how hard it was for me.  he apologized before he left, i accepted his apology, and we moved on.  we even corresponded while he was gone for a while, until i realized that doing so a) didn't get me anywhere good and b) was disloyal to the one person that i love the most in the world.  i think i stopped talking to him right before musicboy got back. i can't remember, really, but i remember thinking that it was not good.

so there's history (isn't there always?) but it's ANCIENT history.  seriously. 

fastforward to the last few days, when i've been beating myself up the past few days, thinking that i shouldn't be skeezed out by the fact that he's back. i forgave him a long time ago. i feel no malice toward him--in fact, i feel perfectly comfortable praying that he will find the direction and peace in his life that he needs.

but i definitely don't want to deal with him. at all. in any way. except maybe to rub his nose in the fact that i'm adorable and happily married and successful and HA!

well, hello lesser part of myself.  welcome to the party.

i am immature. i am ridiculous.  and i am TOTALLY skeeved out by the idea that he could stalk my wall on facebook. we're not friends anymore, because a) i don't want to be friends with him and b) i didn't like his randomness popping up on my newsfeed and c) broken roads should not be retread. but i still changed my profile picture.  why? i have no idea. actually, i believe that would be the lesser part of myself winning a little bit.


(i'm beginning to think that this is really just a symptom of extra stress in my life right now. i'm not freaking out about those things, so here...please let me displace it on this ridiculous heap of STUPID PAST.)

so i've been trying to figure out what it is about this situation that still rankles me.  i am sure it has something to do with the fact that i was fairly unceremoniously dumped (though i knew it was the right thing and i knew it was not working and blah blah blah).  the reality is, and is very clear to me now, that i overlooked A LOT of crap because i was hoping to turn immature guy into musicboy. they had a ridiculous number of similarities, and i guess somewhere in the back of my mind i thought if i couldn't have musicboy, i'd try to make one of my very own.

worked out splendidly, didn't it.  in the end, actually it did.  i got the real deal, and that's what important. and i am so happy with my real deal.  no doubt about that. no regrets whatsoever. how things went down were exactly how they should have been.

but what is it about this thing called life, these experiences that we have, that so permanently affect us?  what i've re-realized (because this was one of the lessons that i learned through this experience) is that the things that happen to us change us.  they make us into who we are.  i realized that again this morning, as i was praying about this very thing.  i realized that the experience i had with this guy truly helped me become the person that i am today.  it gave me courage, in a lot of ways, to do things i wouldn't have done. it gave me wisdom. it gave me experience. it gave me memories that, all-in-all, are good.

all of that led me to where i am now and who i am now.

but that doesn't all come in shiny pink paper with pretty curled ribbons. sometimes the stuff that makes us, the stuff that tempers and shapes us, is the ugly stuff. the stuff that hurts. that stuff that makes us feel awkward and uncomfortable. 

sometimes we don't forget that.  but we can move past it with grace and peace and try to be better for having had that experience.

that's what i'm trying to do now.  it seems petty now, to wish that i don't see him, when all i can really do is be thankful that i had the experience. actually, now that i think about it, what i prayed for has actually happened.

i think in the last fifteen or so minutes of writing this post, i've let it go.

life leaves a mark.  there's nothing wrong with that. i think i need to remember that more often.  our past serves a purpose, but only in the ways that it shapes our present and future.  

i totally dig my present and i'm completely amped about my future.

if that guy helped me get there, i should probably thank him.  not that i will, but i feel like that's a better attitude than the one that i had at the beginning of this little narrative spewing. 

but i am still cute, adorable, ridiculously happily married, and successful.  that doesn't suck either. 


1 comment:

  1. I was going to say that I think this is dissertation anxiety raising its head in some obscure-from-the-past way, but you already figured that out. :)

    Also, I am kind of glad that you have these moments, NOT because I'm glad that you're down in the muck with me (because I feel that way about people from my past too, that "look how awesome my husband is, and he's NOT YOU!" way), but because, if you can rise above that feeling, then maybe so can I.

    Woo, long sentence. :)