Monday, January 25, 2010

quick update.

i want my life back.

my husband is back, but i have yet to spend much time with him because he got back at 2 am and brought a houseguest with him who is still on my couch. 

yes, i am snarky. mainly because after he got home at 2 am, i didn't get to sleep until 4 something, and had to be the first one up and out of the house (although musicboy probably had to leave 30 minutes after, so...i can't hate too much...except he definitely fell asleep before i did).  i am so tired and i just want my rhythm back.

of course, in order to have that, i would have to have found one first, right?  still haven't, so i feel constantly off-kilter.  which is annoying.

because it's not even the kind of off-kilter that burns calories or builds muscles. it just makes me tired and feel like a failure for only keeping on top of my five classes that i teach instead of doing that plus the dissertation.

so i'm just putting this out there because if i don't i'll explode.

i have no idea how to do this dissertation. i am desperately afraid i have nothing left to say.  or that what i have to say has no relevance or importance.  i am not sure that i really care anymore, but i have to run the gauntlet of the committee, and they apparently do.

i'm wondering if i can somehow convince them to just let me graduate if i finish the dumb thing, even if it's not great. i just want to be done.

i just want to be done.

also, though i think i am shrinking, i have lost the same amount of weight since week 1.  which means i lost 3.6 pounds, then i gained a pound, then i lost it again. 

i find this incredibly frustrating, although i know i am building muscle and losing fat. i want to lose numbers too, you know? 

gah. i'm taking a nap.  mondays suck.  that nap plus four miles on the treadmill better get rid of this attitude, let me tell you. 

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