mindmeld.

i'm finding it hard to downshift from teacher brain mode to scholar brain mode now that i am in desperate need of serious outlining/drafting/researching time on my chapter.

the chapter is in good shape, i think, although my thoughts are quite muddled. i'm hoping today, as i outline and sketch out ideas, my ideas will begin to become more clear.

but all of that assumes that i actually work on said chapter, which in the midst of teaching five classes (and now, from necessity not from true desire, it will be six starting in late february so that i can keep my active status at one job), is more difficult than you might think.  it seems like there is always something else to do.  my online classes need attention. i need to plan for my on-ground classes. i want to keep up with the grading so that i don't get behind and buried, as i was apt to do last semester.  if i stay ahead, so says my brain, i will have more time to work on the dissertation.

but when staying ahead requires me to spend EVERY day doing teaching work and NO days doing dissertation work, you can see how this could be a major problem.

with musicboy gone and my dissertation schedule about shot to hades because of teaching and life taking precedence, i decided to do all that i could do this weekend to catapult myself back on track.  but i'm having trouble downshifting.

i'm sure it's because i am afraid that once i begin to work, nothing will come. i'm sure it's because i am more accustomed to teaching now than i am learning and writing myself (not a bad thing, i think, considering teaching is my chosen profession). i'm sure it's because these muscles are just not in shape yet, so it's always painful to begin working with them.

i'm going to consciously choose, from now until monday, to not work on school.  at all.  to ignore it is odd and painful as well, but ignore it i will.  i think it's the only way that i can teach myself HOW to downshift, so that i can begin to do it more regularly.

i feel hope for a fruitful, productive weekend. i think i can, i think i can, i think i can.

also, i miss my husband.

the end.