Wednesday, February 17, 2010

a procrastination ps.

i just looked at a bunch of pictures pre-last round of weight loss, and i was almost startled by the difference. this begs the question, in my mind: will the same thing be true when i lose this last 25? will i look back at pictures in which i think i look amazing later on and only see how much heavier i was?

i sort of hope not.  i hope i remember that i looked good. 

it's like the experience i have in the group exercise room at my gym. some days, when i'm standing there with walls of mirrors surrounding me, i am surprised at how thin i look. at other times, i am horrified by all of the lumps and curves and rolls in places where i wish there were no rolls. 

i'm beginning to think it has nothing whatsoever to do with the mirror and everything to do with my mind. 

i sometimes wish that i could see myself as others see me.  i think i would be pleasantly surprised.  it would at least be a nice relief from the history through which i see myself every day.  we are all our harshest critics, and i am trying very much to celebrate every small victory that comes my way since the scale is nothing if not completely slow and obnoxious, but sometimes it's exhausting to filter everything through 30+ years of body baggage.

now back to grading (i did grade something inbetween there. i promise.).

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