Saturday, February 6, 2010

chocolate graham crackers will save me.

have you had them? they're awesome.  seriously. AWESOME. and i am no lover of crap chocolate (well, that's probably a lie...but they're really good the end).

so, here's the 30 day update on my 180 day goals.

meh.  it's not awesome news.

weight: down 3.4 pounds.  in like 5 weeks. i could scream but all that would do is probably make me retain more water, so there you go.  i went down 3.6 pounds the first week, then gained a pound or so back, then lost that pound, then went to the arctic north where i mainlined sugar and carbs, and then came back and didn't want to exercise that much.

the upside is that i am most definitely gaining muscle, especially in my legs, and my cardiovascular fitness is off the charts better. i think i'm probably losing an inch here or there, but until that results in me fitting into my jeans differently, i don't usually count it.  i am going to the gym at least 5 times a week most weeks, and am trying to mix it up with classes and cardio and doing different things, so that's a success considering i hadn't worked out more than 10 times since the wedding.

dissertation: i angsted and fretted and really came to grips with the fact that the reason i didn't want to write anymore was because a) i was afraid i had nothing to say and b) i didn't really care.  the b part has trumped the a and, somehow, realizing that i don't really care much and am not very invested in this project (and, thus, it has very little power to dictate my self-worth if i don't let it) has been liberating.

after i came to this realization (anyone who tells you the dissertation/PhD process is not one big carnival of psychological self-evaluation is a LIAR of the lowest caliber), i started writing. it started as a paragraph here and there on an afternoon, and then i went to the library yesterday and cranked out the rest of it. i think i wrote/cut and pasted existing conference paper material/revised about 8 single spaced pages yesterday, making my total 12 and a half.  double spaced that was 27 pages, which is awesome for the first draft. 

so, relative success there.  and at least i've figured out that i can get junk done.

money: didn't get paid yet for my main job, so right now i'm just grateful that we have savings so that we can live on it until they decide to pay me. good heavens.  so...not going so well, but i have hope that it will resolve itself soon. i will say that i am trying very hard not to buy the things that i probably do desperately need (new workout shoes? please? my feet are DYING) until i get paid.  that's progress.

prayers: the morning thing is just not happening lately, for a host of reasons that include being gone to various other states and being apart and being exhausted and all of the lazy reasons that shouldn't matter at all.  in general, i'm not doing too hot on this end of my life, but i'm still trying.

there you go.  that's my update.  accountability and all.   sigh.

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