Wednesday, February 17, 2010

fortune favors the brave.

i love my red coat.  it makes me feel so bright and cheerful. i wish it was warmer, but i love it anyway.  it's been chilly lately here, so much so that the heater is on and i am covered up with a blanket right now.  the first thing i did when i got home is drink hot chocolate. those are good days.

my husband is a rock. last night, in the shower, i found this strange lump on my back (best way to describe it is to say that it's on my back, a few inches away from my side, and along the lower bra line--sorry if that's TMI, but i feel like it's important).  with the family history of breast cancer in my family, any strange lump is cause for epic freakout.  of course, it's nowhere near my breast or anywhere scary, and it just suddenly appeared (in the general vicinity of all of my back muscles) after i worked my back and trunk muscles seriously in body combat.  it doesn't hurt, except when i keep pushing on it (which i do, because i'm a freak who needs to assess it every five seconds), and it's more than likely some sort of muscular something because it now feels like a muscle knot (although it doesn't FEEL like a muscle knot...too hard and soft at the same time...) at about the same time that the rest of my back and trunk muscles are sore.  i don't know. it's weird.

i'm keeping an eye on it and am now fairly obviously okay about it (and before you freak out and yell at me, i'll go to the doctor if it's still around in a couple of days), but last night? i was upset.  i was scared. all i kept thinking was "i don't want anything bad to happen. i don't want anything bad to happen." when things are happy and good, i worry that something bad will happen. 

and i am so happy.  despite the crazy busy of our life, and the dishes that won't ever stop collecting, and the fact that the interval between laundromat visits are annoyingly short, i love my life.  i love my husband.  i love the future that lies before us, and i so want that future.  

he just held me.  he let me cry. he told me that he thought it was fine but that even if it wasn't, now was not the time to worry.  he is my rock in the storms of life.  i don't know what i would do without him.

also, lesson learned: don't google your symptoms. the answer will always be cancer.  or imminent death by spontaneous combustion. or something. it's never like "hey. you probably have a strained muscle. why don't you watch it for a couple of days and see what happens?  then you should probably go to the doctor." the world would be a better place if we were all a little less extreme.

i'm trying spinning today.  i'm scared of it, really, which is why i haven't done it.  i'm afraid my fat carcass won't fit on those tiny seats. i'm afraid i won't be able to stand up and pedal. i'm afraid that i won't be good at it.  but no matter how much i am afraid of it, there comes a point where you just have to do it anyway.  so i'm doing it today. wednesdays are usually days when musicboy can come home for dinner, but not today, so i have an extra three or so hours.  i'm hoping it will turn out well.

i am finding the olympics oddly compelling.  are you?  except johnny weir.  good grief almighty.

i've been pretty happy this week by how quickly i am catching up. of course, i have spent the last two hours doing a whole heap of nothing, but it's amazing to me how quickly steady, concerted, focused work pays off.  piles and lists start diminishing, and a light at the end of the tunnel begins to glimmer.  i am quite hopeful that by the end of this upcoming weekend,  i will be in a position to begin the 6th class i'm teaching this semester ahead rather than behind.

but that will require me to stop blogging and start grading. 

onward, intrepid ones! onward to the upward slog through the daily grind!

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