Wednesday, February 24, 2010

as i was walking to class on monday, i saw a flock of geese flying in a v.  actually, there were multiple flocks, but the first one that i saw stopped, circled around in a weird rotation, and only then did i see the other flocks, that they were apparently waiting on.

i immediately thought "oh! they're going back north for spring! it's spring!" but then i realized that they were flying east, and i didn't know what to think.  but what surprised me most was that the first, leading flock knew enough, cared enough, to circle back and do what they had to do to wait on their friends. 

the rural cc offered me the job yesterday.  actually, she called me while i was at the gym and left a message on monday night.  by then it was too late to call her back, and i wanted to speak to musicboy about it again anyway, so i decided to wait until tuesday.  tuesday came, and i called her before my class at rural cc, but she wasn't there.  so i thought i'd call her on my way back to collegetown.

instead, i ran into her outside the building where i teach.  she had me follow her back to her office and offered me the job.

i turned it down.

i didn't feel particularly bad doing it, although i felt a bit bad that they would have to go back to the drawing board. (my mom assures me that they already have a 2nd choice lined up, so i need not fret.)  i didn't feel anything other than fine about the whole thing.  it was the wrong job at the wrong time and in the wrong place.

i told her that in another life, i would have taken it.  and that is true.  i would have been able to build something and i like doing that.  i would have been able to tinker and tweak and watch things get better and better. i dig that whole process.

what was more interesting to me was that i had to make the choice, consciously, to choose the life that i want over the life that may seem more logical.

i had to choose.

it was a good choice. it was a choice i made right after the interview, so i sort of assumed that they wouldn't even offer it to me.  since i had already decided, i figured that they would be equally inspired to choose someone OTHER than me. you may think that silly, but often decisions in my life are precipitated by closing doors.  i don't close them--they are closed on me.  that may seem harsh, but it really does make directional planning infinitely easier if there is only one door, the right door, that is open to you.

when i move through those open doors, i am accompanied by a whoosh of the Spirit, the confirmation that the choice that i am making is right and good and inspired.  sometimes i don't feel it until i have passed through that door--faith wouldn't be faith if it was easy--but often i know a door is the right one because all roads have led to it and all the ts have been crossed and the is dotted.

things in my life just seem to fall into place right about the time that i desperately need them to.

this time was a little bit different.  there was a preponderance of logic on the side of not taking the job--the salary and the hours and the drive would have made making ends meet quite difficult, even before anything changed in our family--but there was the ingrained need for stability that weighed heavily on the other side. 

but those pro and con lists didn't really have much to do with the choice that i made.

i chose my family over my career.  i'd do it again in a heartbeat, and that i had to do it, in person, unapologetically, and that i felt so peaceful and calm about it says much to me about the exercise of faith.

sometimes, even though you've already made the decision, you get to make it again, out loud, in person, on paper, in black and white.  sometimes, you make the decision over and over again in your heart when you realize that your days will be fuller and harder and more uncertain, except for the strong sense that you will be taken care of and that good things are happening.

as i pulled away from rural cc yesterday, having had the conversation and been very honest about my reasons to the woman who offered me the job (and who appreciated me being upfront, honest, and honorable about the fact that i couldn't commit nearly as long as they wanted me to and that when circumstances changed i would likely need to leave), i felt a great deal of peace. 

i texted musicboy and told him what had happened. he was nervous about the news at first, for the same pragmatic reasons i was despite our conversations about it.  much as we talked about it, and much as it was a decision that would affect both of us, this was ultimately my decision. not because i wanted to exclude him from it, but because i think it was about me.  as musicboy said, he trusts me fully. someday, the reverse will be true--it will be his career and his choice and he will follow the promptings he receives and i trust him fully and support him the same way he supported me.  but his nervousness was soon gone.  he said he soon felt what he called "a wave of awesome" about the whole situation. 

sometimes you only feel it as you're walking through the door.

on the way home that day, i saw a red-breasted robin just standing by the road.  i was surprised that i saw it, speeding along at 65 miles an hour, and that it just stood there.  i passed by it and it didn't budge.

and i thought, once more, that spring was here.

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