Tuesday, March 1, 2011

give them a voice, and you take their power away.

this refers, of course, to fears and not to anything else, because people with a voice normally have more power than those without a voice, but with fears it tends to be the secret, stealthy, insidious kind that make it easy to see them as big, bad bogeymen rather than the stupid fears that they are.

so, given mmeperpetua's invitation to talk about my delivery fears, i will post this. i welcome your insights, if you have them, or the message (which i also know intellectually) that this too shall pass.

things that will not be welcomed warmly (and this is just fair warning per my patchy but present 9 month pregnant self-awareness): telling me i'm crazy for feeling x way (it's the crazy that i dislike), telling me everyone feels this way (great, but that doesn't really help me get past it), or doing the equivalent of a verbal "there, there" distracted head pat.  i'm down if you don't want to say anything, because nobody has to say anything, but dismissing me is not cool. 

i am afraid of:
  • not being able to do delivery the way i want to because i give up on myself. please note that i am not afraid that something will happen that will force me to deviate from my birth plan--if something happens, something happens and we will deal with that, as it is out of my control--but that i am afraid that the reason for deviating is ME.
  • going into delivery thinking i can't do it.  that will not help.
  • being someone who can't deal with the pain.  again with the babies attack tv shows, which seem to indicate that no woman in their right mind can do it naturally, but also with people who are around me who tell me what are supposed to be consoling things like "i could never do it, because i remember how painful it was, so i am impressed."  excuse me if i find that slightly disconcerting.
  • getting cut instead of tearing.  it's so unnecessary.  
  • nurses and doctors not letting me do things my way (not letting me push my way, not letting me labor my way, not letting me deliver my way).
mainly it's just a big nebulous cloud of fears that are all related to this: me having the strength and confidence to do what i know i want to do and, in some moments, know i can do.

you may discuss now, if you wish.  or you may tell me "welcome to the beginning of the end!" because i find that idea, that all of these are PERFECTLY NATURAL AND TEXTBOOK, oddly comforting. 

but ideas would be good. 

and i really am going back to body combat in week 37.  i really am.


  1. I am going to email you, if that's okay, because WOW but your fears are pretty much identical to the fears I had, so I can tell you what I did to get through it.

  2. Ok,so first I will tell you this, as someone who gave birth naturally, I know I can do it again. Don't listen to the women who say they could never do it because they remember how painful it was. Trust me, I remember - and I can and will do it again. (that's not an announcement lol)

    Cutting instead of tearing. I was terrified of that. But it's an outdated practice and as far as I know most doctors don't really do it anymore.

    As for the medical staff not letting you do what you want to do how you want to do it...enter Musicboy. That needs to be a big job for him during labor and delivery. A simple typed up birth plan to give the staff when you get to the hospital should help too. That way he can refer to it and enforce it if need be, so you don't have to worry about it - you'll be busy.

    And one little tip that helped me so much during delivery. I've told you about it before, but it really was a big deal for me. Bring an ultrasound photo with you. It will help bring it all into perspective and that will help you do it the way you want to.