so, given mmeperpetua's invitation to talk about my delivery fears, i will post this. i welcome your insights, if you have them, or the message (which i also know intellectually) that this too shall pass.
things that will not be welcomed warmly (and this is just fair warning per my patchy but present 9 month pregnant self-awareness): telling me i'm crazy for feeling x way (it's the crazy that i dislike), telling me everyone feels this way (great, but that doesn't really help me get past it), or doing the equivalent of a verbal "there, there" distracted head pat. i'm down if you don't want to say anything, because nobody has to say anything, but dismissing me is not cool.
i am afraid of:
- not being able to do delivery the way i want to because i give up on myself. please note that i am not afraid that something will happen that will force me to deviate from my birth plan--if something happens, something happens and we will deal with that, as it is out of my control--but that i am afraid that the reason for deviating is ME.
- going into delivery thinking i can't do it. that will not help.
- being someone who can't deal with the pain. again with the babies attack tv shows, which seem to indicate that no woman in their right mind can do it naturally, but also with people who are around me who tell me what are supposed to be consoling things like "i could never do it, because i remember how painful it was, so i am impressed." excuse me if i find that slightly disconcerting.
- getting cut instead of tearing. it's so unnecessary.
- nurses and doctors not letting me do things my way (not letting me push my way, not letting me labor my way, not letting me deliver my way).
you may discuss now, if you wish. or you may tell me "welcome to the beginning of the end!" because i find that idea, that all of these are PERFECTLY NATURAL AND TEXTBOOK, oddly comforting.
but ideas would be good.
and i really am going back to body combat in week 37. i really am.