Wednesday, March 2, 2011

week 34: the dark side of the force.

don't worry. it's not depression.

i'm pretty sure it's straight up rebellion. 

not from anything that i find fundamentally important--in fact, i think i'm probably doing BETTER in those areas than i have been in ages and ages, partly through motivation and partly through a system that i read about (the "essential," "necessary," and "nice to do" prioritization system that julie beck talks about in a talk that i now can't find so that i can link (grr.)).

but in other things? rebellion.

it's like i'm rather enjoying doing what i shouldn't.

case in point? yesterday. ate some cookie dough. did it out of spite. it was delicious spite, but it was spite nonetheless. 

i feel like sticking it to the man, the man being anyone who gets in my way really, so when musicboy was doing an assignment early this morning and missed his IDIOTIC class that has caused more angst than who-knows-what, i made some weird "power to the people/stick it to the man" sign with my hand and was all congratulatory. i've been trying to get him to ditch something all week. i think it started because he was tired, but has now degenerated into, well, sticking it to the man.

i ate pepperoni on my pita pizza last night. you're all "hey man, not a big deal" and i'm all "hey man, pepperoni has no redeeming value except for its SWEET DELICIOUSNESS so i haven't eaten it in a while."

like i said. straight up rebellion.

and i'm kind of snarky.  i recognized it earlier in the week as mood-swingy freakouts, but i think now it's becoming fun.  i try to stifle the snark so that it's not crazytown and mean, but i'm rather enjoying being just a little bit prickly. 

oh, i'll get over it.  i mean, i'll be perfectly nice and kind and generous to those around me, because i believe in that and that's what you do.  but i think there's something invigorating about the slight rebellious streak. i don't know why. 

it may, in fact, be motivational to deal with previously mentioned fears because, if you don't know this already, one sure way to get me fired up, determined, and (dare i say it) stubborn is to get me mad.  then i don't care what you want to do, i'm doing it my way and i will make it work and heaven help those who get in my way.

i won't take them out, but i won't listen to them either, so i'm seeing this as a bit of a happy portent as well. 

as long as my husband can hang with me in the meantime, i think we're golden.


latest craving: hard candy.  jolly ranchers have satisfied it quite nicely, and the ratio of health impact to satisfaction is quite good.  70 calories for 3? yes please.

latest favorite thing in the world to eat: blueberry nutrigrain waffles with peanut butter and grape jelly on them. delicious. no, really.  i also continue to keep cereal makers in business.  i've never finished this many boxes of cereal in this short an amount of time in my life.


talked to my doctor yesterday, finally, about what we want to do in terms of a birth plan. he said that we didn't need to have anything formally written (not sure how i feel about that; we may have one stashed in the bag when we go to the hospital, JUST IN CASE not to be annoying but here's what we were thinking people who are not our doctor), but i thought it was sort of cute.  when we said we wanted as few interventions as possible, he looked almost offended, and said that he doesn't want interventions either.

(uhm, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to offend you, i promise, dr. laidback! you've been supercool thus far.)

basically, his points were the following:
  • laboring at home is fine, but he worries that with no one to check me, i'll be farther along than i think when i arrive. his words: "we don't want you to be at 10 when you show up."   (my internal response: WHY NOT? big deal. if we make it to the ER, i'll be happy. however, the likelihood of that happening? superslim. we have notoriously long labors with first babies in my family line. i'm expecting a protracted haul, and i'm not showing up until it's obvious that i'm making megaprogress on my own, thankyouverymuch.)
  • though i want no pain meds, if i'm screaming for them, he's not going to deny me. (my response: good. we're on the same page.)
  • he's not an advocate for lots of interventions either; he mentioned specifically internal monitoring, which he doesn't like.  (my response: good. my internal response: HOORAY! MY DOCTOR DOESN'T WANT TO SCREW THINGS INTO MY BABY'S HEAD! he might just be as laidback in delivery as he is about everything else...which is
  • he does want monitoring on the baby during active labor, but he doesn't mind me laboring out of the bed. (my internal response: i'll take what i can get, knowing where i'm going, and i'll try to request mobile monitors and as long as i'm not strapped to a bed, i'm happy. movement is good.  movement is my friend--and he's saying movement is okay!)
  • he's good with as few interventions as possible so long as there's no medical reason to intervene.  (my internal response: RIGHT ON, doc. let's fist bump.)
overall, considering i thought it was going to be a huge fight (and it still may be, but at least my wishes are recorded for posterity in my chart and in his mind), i thought it went quite well.  i have hope about that, which is wonderful.


i should be grading a lot more than i am.  i really should.  i'm behind. like MEGA behind.  i'll catch up, but it's going to take most of spring break to do it, i think, and that'll suck but at least i'll, you know, be caught up.  and then i remember that at this point in the semester i'm pretty much always behind, so it makes me feel less like a lazy pregnant person and more like a normal professor who doesn't like february at all.


a friend of mine posted a link on my facebook page about personalized elmo singalong songs. you could get three for free, or the whole thing for $9.95 and it has your baby's name in it. 

i thought, at first, that this would be the most annoying thing ever.

then i personalized it and listened to the free tracks, and the minute elmo said our baby's name, i cried like the freakishly hormonal pregnant person i am.  and then i bought the whole thing.

(one of the tracks is "transylvania 1-2-3-4-5, which is a counting song with the Count that is in big band style--musicboy appreciated that one. another? elmo's world becomes [Baby Girl]'s world. seriously. i could die of the cuteness.)

it's amazing. 

what's even more amazing is that she's going to be real soon.  and in the world.

given her latest round of activity and kicking, the world better watch out. i'm pretty sure this girl's going to give it a run for its money.

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