Monday, March 14, 2011

week 36: miserable and not.

yesterday, i hit the miserable portion of pregnant. 

before that, i think that i was at times uncomfortable, but not miserable. i define miserable as getting up in the morning and not being able to answer the question "how are you?" without involuntarily feeling your eyes welling up with tears. my entire bottom half hurt. i couldn't sleep more than about 3.5 hours in bed without my hips hurting such a huge amount that i could no longer stay in bed.  when i got up, though, it was very difficult to walk.  my hips felt like they were sliding in and out of their sockets and the pregnancy waddle had definitely welcomed itself.  since the night before, some of the less flattering and more humbling (humiliating?) side effects of pregnancy had taken hold.  i just very large and battleworn, for lack of a better word.

i think there were angels all around me yesterday, though, to bear me up.  it was a sort of strange thing, because i didn't ask for them.  i'm pretty sure there was a sort of inarticulate prayer to heaven that said something like "please help me" in that "i'm not sure how to do this, but i know i have to do this" sort of way. 

and as the day progressed, i saw that prayer answered.
  • i got up for church, threw on a dress and expected to look like crap, and i didn't. that was nice.
  • two people, absolutely unsolicited by me (of course...), came up to me and said "you look so ADORABLE!" it wasn't patronizing. it was the kind of compliment that you pay someone when you are legitimately overwhelmed by how cute someone is.  i didn't feel cute. i don't feel cute.  but it was so lovely to hear that someone else, outside of my head, thinks so.
  • the longer i was at church, after i made the decision to stay after the first hour even though exhaustion and discomfort really were fairly overwhelming, the better i began to feel. my spirits were lifting, and that i can only attribute to the choice to choose the better part.
  • a friend gave us another bag of hand-me-downs, one of which was a snugli baby carrier that musicboy can use. i have slings, but he now has something that will work for him (i couldn't see him using the sling...).  
  • we came home and i went straight upstairs to lay down.  musicboy made me the most delicious lunch ever. it just tasted so good--and probably mainly because i didn't have to do anything at all. but it really was very good.
  • i got to talk to my mom for three hours.  she gave me some much needed perspective about this whole section of pregnancy, mainly saying hey, it sucks, big time.  just knowing that? and realizing that it's okay for me to be like "uhm, this sucks but i'm doing it anyway" was very freeing. but then she said such an awesome, unexpected thing: she said that i had done the being pregnant thing brilliantly, that it was inspirational.  i was so surprised.  it was so kind, and so unexpected, and of course i want my mom to be proud of me, so it was one of those moments that helped to buoy me up more than i can say.
  • i woke up this morning to this.
so, in short, the end of pregnancy isn't easy. it's just not.  i'm very large, which is part of the deal. there are parts of this deal that i just don't like, but i understand that at this point i have very little control over what happens from here on out.  but, as my wise mom said, it helps to remember why i'm doing it.  this isn't about me--it's about Baby Girl.  so when it gets hard--and it IS hard to not have enough sleep, to not feel anything but disgusting sometimes (despite the wonderful comments of those around me), to feel ready to meet her at the same time as frantically trying to get ready for her--i just need to remember for what purpose i am doing all of this.  and remember that, as mama said, it's just one of the first of many mom sacrifices i'll make for her. 

every day that she stays where she is more days that she gets to develop in the best place for her.  so i'll stick it out for as long as she needs me to. it doesn't matter, really, what effect that it has on me (so long as i'm still healthy, a little misery does nothing but make me appreciate her and the process more).  i won't wish that she'll come early. i still think she'll come earlier than her april 11th due date, but i won't do anything to precipitate that.  i will be patient. i will be strong, even in endurance, because sometimes endurance is the thing that you have to give.  i will keep my focus on the things that i CAN do, and try my best to focus on that instead of on the waiting game.

week 36, y'all.  we made it, but there's a lot left to do.


  1. One tends to forget how nasty that last month can be. Another bright spot is that after you've had her, and you've had a little time to heal, the first time you do something physical will feel So Good. Seriously, your first walk with baby girl? You'll feel so fit, and you'll breathe well, and your legs won't try to fall off. Awesomeness.

    Also, your husband's blog made me cry. That is all :)

  2. You are doing a fantastic job! It is hilarious to me than when I googled "Pregnancy Waddle", I got a link to a page about Week 36. Lady, you are TEXTBOOK.

    Below are some suggestions on how to handle the discomfort. I'm sure you've seen them, but if not, I really hope they help you feel just a little bit better (even though I know you're not really supposed to read/trust things from What To Expect). Just remember: every moment of discomfort is one moment closer to being with Baby Girl M.