battle weary, or a weird full circle.

so, i've been eating really well for the past few weeks. the past...six, i would say.  it's paid off, for sure.  but after this past doctor's appointment, i just got...tired.

case in point: last night, we went to the grocery store. we had to get something and i wanted ice cream. and i really wanted one of everything.  (there was red velvet ice cream and birthday cake ice cream and monkey business banana ice cream and chocolate trinity and why can't i just have ALL of it? musicboy's answer? "because we don't have an extra $150." good point, babe.)

and i ate copious amounts after i got home.  i just wanted to be one of those pregnant women who just does that, without feeling like that's not what i should be doing EVER.

flip side of that is how all i really want to eat, otherwise, during the day is smoothies. green monsters, to be specific.  i just want a green monster and hummus and pita bread and cereal. that's what i ate early on in my first trimester, so i find it a sort of comforting return to normality.

(i have a feeling this kid will really like hummus. and perhaps spinach.)

but i am just...tired...of having to work so hard at the things that seem to come so easy for other people.  is that lame? does that make sense?

but even if i want to do that, i can't divorce myself from the fact that i know what i know. yet, right now, i don't feel so bad about eating pretty well all day and then, maybe, shooting myself in the foot at the end of the day. i feel like i try each day to get back on track, but...i just don't have as much will as i did. 

i am not sure if it's a phase (perhaps a growth spurt?) that will go away, or if i will just maybe do this for the rest of the time. i'm still getting good food, good nutrients, and am exercising self-control for most of the day. even when i'm not, i'm still not eating as unconsciously as i once was.

i just...am tired of having to be so iron-willed all of the time. of course, i went to sonny's bbq yesterday and ordered a big salad. and it was delicious. i also ate french fries, but not as many as i would have previously.  i looked up the calories and nutrition facts before we went. 

i don't know. maybe i'm not doing so badly after all.  i just don't want to gain 9 pounds in two weeks. i just don't want to hear about it from the doctor. 

--

in baby-related nursery project news, i will be posting pictures after this weekend of (hopefully) at least two, possibly three or four, of the projects that i've sewn. the diaper stacker, what i thought was my personal everest, was easier than i thought. it actually took less time, all told, than the valance, which is shocking. it's a little wonky, but i like it.  it suits me. 

anyways...just in case you thought i punked out, i didn't.  i just have had papers to grade this week, and so haven't gotten back to my projects to finish them up (i.e. hang the valance, put on the ties to the diaper stacker, etc.). 

--

it's like one month away from a baby shower.  what the HECK.  another will either be the week before or the week after.  then, it's serious nesting time.  i am so antsy to get everything done. i feel so compelled to get her room finished.  it won't hurry anything up (i hope...stay in there, Baby Girl!), but it will at least let me focus on other things (like, say, getting myself ready and the house ready and the freezer full of food, etc.). 

5 weeks until full term. 

FIVE WEEKS. 

--

musicboy asked me if i'm scared about anything other than her coming early (which i was very worried about earlier this week, but am feeling much better about now).  i said not really, other than the logistics.

he specifically asked me if i was worried about the delivery. i told him, honestly, that i wasn't and haven't really ever been so.  it will go as it will go, and i believe that i can do it and i believe in us as a team and i think it will go fine.

and come what may, it will be great.  so long as she's here and healthy, what else matters?

but that sort of surprised me.  i'm not scared.  that's a good sign.

--

are you sick to death of pregnancy-related posts yet? do you want to hear how i cut off the top of my finger while trying to cut sweet potatoes? or how i have yet to reconcile myself to the constant pile of dishes in my kitchen? or how i suck, a lot, at keeping the house clean and yet feel twitchy when it's messy?  or how i watch WAY TOO MUCH tv?

i know. i'm bored with myself. i don't blame you at all.