music widowhood.

i believe i went into this whole wife of a music major thing quite cavalierly, humming and singing with my fingers in my ears, believing that we could totally do it without even breaking a sweat because it was so easy when musicboy was a music major at local cc.

if i didn't know the difference before, boy do i know the difference now.

i mean, i don't think i was so stupid as to believe we wouldn't be busy. i don't really think it's possible to be in school more than full time and have a part time job without being somewhat busy.  we were busy before, though, and it was totally fine.  we managed.  i mean, i complained a little and the house always seemed to be a mess (wow, i'm seeing a trend), but it was manageable.

it's funny how your definition of manageable can drastically change.

i thought it was just the whole marching band and football season thing. i thought that was what was singlehandedly requiring planning dexterity of the highest degree.  10 hours a week and game days will do that. 

but then i planned next semester's schedule for musicboy, mainly because i totally dig doing that and i don't get to do it anymore because, hi, not a student anymore. 

and it's not going to be ANY different.  literally. the only difference is that musicboy will get a later start on tuesdays and thursdays and will only be gone until 2pm on saturdays for work. 

he'll still be gone until 9pm three nights a week.  one of those nights, i may be able to go with him to a church class, which will be nice, but otherwise? it's solid days and solid nights of classes and work.

but towards the end of that semester (thankfully, literally at the end--like two weeks before classes end, if we're exactly delivering on our due date, but more than likely one week before classes end, because that's how we roll), we'll have a baby.

and for the majority of that semester, i'll be very large with child.  hugely pregnant. unable to do things like carry large things down the stairs or do anything massively strenuous. 

the realization of that reality struck me somewhat hard.  it's just not going to get better until it's over.  it makes me share musicboy's motivation to just push through it and get it over with as soon as possible, but it also makes me worried that, somehow, we won't be able to do it all.

i know we will. musicboy, when we discussed this ever-so-briefly as he headed out the door to a recital, said that Heavenly Father likes to make us grow.  i chuckled. it's so true. 

i'm not angry.  just...unprepared, perhaps?  afraid, perhaps a little?  definitely unsure of my own capacity to pull up my metaphorical bootstraps and suck it up.  not completely certain HOW everything will work out, but nonetheless sure that it will. it always does.  lest you read this as all forlorn, it's not.  i'm not depressed about it.  resigned, perhaps, but not depressed.  not even really that worried, so much. 

but i definitely don't have my fingers in my ears anymore.  reality can be quite bracing in that regard.