so sometimes there are days when i rock.
yesterday was one of those days. i packed my lunch the night before. i packed my bag also, knowing myself well enough to know that i wouldn't have time to remember everything that i needed for the day. i went to class. i managed to figure out how to stretch the time, despite the fact that the 20 some odd faces staring at me just desperately wanted me to end early.
then i went to the library and worked on my dissertation outline for four hours. at least one of those hours, in total, was spent on the internet, blogging and otherwise distracting myself from the frustration of not being able to say what i wanted/needed to say. but i was always thinking, and always managed to get back to it.
[in fact, if i had my way, i'd be working on it now. the pump has been primed, which is very good news.]
i came home, went out to dinner with my husband (mini-fail because i didn't want to cook), came back home, did some more work (though not enough), and then went to the gym.
by the time i got to the gym, the tides had turned. i was quick tempered and irritable, annoyed that there were so many freaking people there at 845 on a monday night. get a new hobby, people! it's supposed to be deserted at that time! stupid daylight savings. go to bed.
the annoyance didn't really subside when i got home, either. there were moments, but for the most part, i was still quick to be annoyed. i read my scriptures a little, read with musicboy, and was reminded, twice, of the message that we have no idea what the Lord has in store for us. that's good to remember for someone like me, who ohsodesperately always wants to know why.
i went to sleep but not well.
then i woke up today. and this day is like the bizarroworld version of yesterday. i canceled class at rural cc, unable to face the task of driving there and dealing with those students. that may sound bad, but i just couldn't do it. i felt moderately guilty doing it, except for a small voice that told me that they were responsible for doing the same amount of work they would have done in class, it wasn't going to hurt them, and that i probably needed it more than i knew. after having slept very little in the early morning hours, i slept much more in the later morning hours, waking up at an obscene hour still relatively exhausted. i'm pretty sure that i dreamed about students wanting to leave class early and me repeatedly telling them to SIT DOWN.
heh. nobody can tell me that dreams don't mean stuff.
i'm up and going now, trying to scratch off as many little tasks from my to-do list as humanly possible. i'm hoping it will carve the way for me to POSSIBLY get ahead a little bit and get things done before the tidal wave of student papers comes in on friday/monday.
last night, before i went to bed, i just kept saying "i can do anything for 19 days. i can do anything for 19 days."
it felt very true yesterday. today, i'm a tad bit more skeptical.
and i still feel a little bit guilty for canceling class.
[and my neighbors are having a serious fight next door. i have no tv or music on, so i can hear a lot of it. it makes me glad that musicboy and i don't raise our voices to each other. ever. when will we learn, as a people, that words hurt more than any weapon ever forged?]