Tuesday, September 14, 2010

8 weeks: feeling real suddenly.

some friends of ours had a baby this morning around 5am. we know them from church, and because they were induced, they were READY. and because they had to wait longer than they thought they would, the dad was posting videos on facebook throughout the process.

and because i couldn't sleep last night, i watched them and felt like, somehow, i was getting a window into something totally precious and amazing.

when i finally went to sleep, they were a little more than halfway there. i knew that by the time i got up this morning, a new little boy would be in the world.

that's an amazing thing.

what was more amazing, though, was what started to happen to me when i watched these videos. the first ones were just labor updates.  then it was some serious labor, tracing contractions on the screen and talking to parents and family members in the room.

and i started to realize...that's going to be us.

up until now, nothing has really felt real except that i feel bad.  but i've felt bad before and not had something miraculous to show for it at the end of nine months.  so...it's still surreal. my body doesn't look or feel particularly different, i don't feel a baby moving yet, i haven't seen an ultrasound.  i haven't heard the gentle thwushing of a new heart beating.

it's all an idea at this point, with physical indicators to testify to its reality.

or it was, until i saw those videos. and for a moment, there, i could picture myself in her place.  nervous, scared, anxious, worried, excited, thrilled.  i could see musicboy asking me questions and documenting the whole thing on video, probably until i just want to throttle him.  i could see family members coming in and out, friends coming to visit.

and then, when i woke up this morning, there were videos of their new baby. hearing those little cries and seeing that baby being weighed and measured and take stock of the new world that he's just seeing for the first time--it was like being hit with something extraordinary.

i said it over and over again, in awestruck wonder, to musicboy.

we're having a baby.

that's going to be us.

we're having a baby.

and suddenly, that feels real to me.

we're having a baby. i couldn't be more happy, delighted, scared, or apprehensive.  i couldn't be less ready or more ready. i couldn't be more juxtapositionally feeling than i am right now.  i am in no way an expert on bottles or baby care. i am in no way ready to be an expert at feeding or managing the schedule of a newborn.  but i am more than ready to love our baby with everything i have.  the rest will fall into place, i know.  i am nothing if not a planner.

welcome to the world, little michael.  we're glad you're here.  thank you for letting us share your birthday, and thanks for helping me begin to get ready to welcome our little one.  

you'll never know how special your birth story is to me.

1 comment:

  1. I was addicted to watching Baby Stories and reading baby blogs (okay, so I still do, but now I'm reading even more heartbreaking blogs about infertility) and would cry and cry and cry. Each and every birth is so amazing and special and precious. I don't think I can say congratulations enough. It's going to be amazing and perfect and uniquely yours and musicboys. I'm so stinking happy for you guys!