8 weeks: can't publish this yet, but i just have to write about it.

just when i think that i've got this whole pregnancy thing figured out, a day like today comes along.

that's right. we're pregnant. 8 weeks on thursday (it's monday, august 23rd right now--first day of school.) surprise!

yesterday? felt pretty good. got things done.  cooked a whole dinner.  like with vegetables and everything.  i ate said dinner and did pretty well.  toward the end of the night (which is traditionally when i feel like death), my stomach started flipflopping but i managed it and it was okay.

today?

totally different deal. i woke up every single hour last night (except for maybe 4. i might have missed that one, but i definitely saw 12, 1, 2, 3, 5, and 6).  i ate breakfast and felt it coming on--the distinct impression that eating, today, would not be so supereasy. but i was intent on getting to school on time and doing my dog and pony syllabus show, so i managed to sort of be fine.

class was done, and i got to come home, and that's when it really hit me. i felt both hungry and nauseous at the same time, so i ate my planned lunch (leftovers from last night) at about 10am.  flip-flop. (i don't throw up, just tmi fyi, i just get really nauseated.)  i packed half a peanut butter sandwich for my trek to collegetown u and some water.  felt gross the whole time i was there.  ate my sandwich afterward, which was okay, but was exhausted.  came home, ate some cookies (bad plan--body doesn't like sugar when nauseous, but it's sometimes the only thing i want to eat) and basically passed out--the kind of sleep that begins with a "i think i'll lay down for a while" and ends with you waking up having to do math to figure out how long you've been out.  woke up with some serious nausea.  bad stuff.  inhaled some tortilla chips and salsa to try to kill the ill.

(my particular brand of nausea only really stays at bay if i eat wisely every few hours--but that's hard when i'm not feeling well.)

now i have zero energy to cook, so i ordered chinese food for me and musicboy, who will come home in an hour having had a 13 hour day, and all i can offer him is some sesame chicken. i am sure he will be fine with that, but i keep thinking i should have cooked and it should have been more healthy.

i don't think i really ate a vegetable or a fruit today unless you count salsa and guacamole. i do try, but it's hard.

tomorrow's another day.  so far, i haven't gained any weight despite feeding my nausea. i'm not trying to lose weight, but i definitely don't need to be gaining weight at this point.  but on days like these, when i eat tortilla chips because it seems like the only thing that i want to eat, i wonder how that can possibly continue.  grasping at carbs to save me is not what i want to do. i want to grasp at carrots and cantaloupe.

some days, i just can't manage it.

i think it's time to simplify those choices.  if i make it easier to eat carrots than to eat tortilla chips, maybe i'll be more likely to do it.

some days, it's so easy to plan ahead. other days, it's like i'm just desperately grabbing at anything to make  myself feel better.

i don't begrudge the nausea. in fact, i am glad to have it because it is a little message to me that all is well.  that, in combination with a host of other symptoms, tell me that the little one is growing well.  i like that.

i just wish i was a bit better at this whole thing.  it's a whole new world. everybody tells you that. nobody tells you that it's a hard one and takes a whole different approach that you just keep learning every day.  it's moving and checking and doing your best to do your best.

i'm guessing that's how parenthood is too.

i'll take it.  but i need to remind myself to take it with a side of broccoli instead of chips ahoy.