Monday, October 19, 2009

completely obscure thoughts that you won't understand.

it's becoming more and more of a disappointment. realizing this is frightening and exhilarating at the same time.  but with every disappointment comes a greater insight into myself and that's incredibly comforting and awe-inspiring.  saying all of this out loud is freeing.

i wish the type of kindness i hope to cultivate was just inherent.  i feel like it should be. or i wish that i understood more how to negotiate this particular brand of kindness, which seems more like guilt, without feeling attacked or like i'm back at square one.  i felt like i had come so far, made so many inroads, and i hate that sometimes it feels like that rug has just been pulled out from under me.

i'm so glad that they are finally mailed, even though i am not yet completely done.  i wish i had been better about it.  i need to forgive myself about that. i am pretty sure i did my best.

i have a plan now and that's really nice. i'm not even scared that i won't be able to do it. i am sure that i will get there, but mainly i'm just committed to doing it. getting it done. being done. i don't know what will come next after that, but i think that's okay.  i really do.

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