it's becoming more and more of a disappointment. realizing this is frightening and exhilarating at the same time. but with every disappointment comes a greater insight into myself and that's incredibly comforting and awe-inspiring. saying all of this out loud is freeing.
i wish the type of kindness i hope to cultivate was just inherent. i feel like it should be. or i wish that i understood more how to negotiate this particular brand of kindness, which seems more like guilt, without feeling attacked or like i'm back at square one. i felt like i had come so far, made so many inroads, and i hate that sometimes it feels like that rug has just been pulled out from under me.
i'm so glad that they are finally mailed, even though i am not yet completely done. i wish i had been better about it. i need to forgive myself about that. i am pretty sure i did my best.
i have a plan now and that's really nice. i'm not even scared that i won't be able to do it. i am sure that i will get there, but mainly i'm just committed to doing it. getting it done. being done. i don't know what will come next after that, but i think that's okay. i really do.