in which i self-sabotage and watch gleefully from the sidelines giving the play-by-play.

i am nearly caught up with grading.

no, seriously. i'm like 2 sets of response papers and a bunch of discussion board posts away from being COMPLETELY CAUGHT UP. 

(well, if you don't count the stuff that came in late, because of whatever reason, which i don't because they get graded when they get graded and i'm about to tell everyone who asks about it to suck it.)

seriously. i teach eight classes, four of which are online classes. this is a miracle of epic proportions, which can only be explained by MIRACLE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.

so today, what do i do?

i wake up.  i eat a pumpkin spice donut, my second in 24 hours. the first bite of which was pure pregnancy-induced bliss.  this time? not so much. i wish they made them without glaze.

but i digress.

i eat a donut.  i get dressed.  i take musicboy to campus so he can get on a bus and go to a nearby away game with the entire band.  i come home. i make peanut butter celery.  i think about how i'm kind of tired.  i start the remaining laundry.

i dink around on facebook, i dink around on my email, i make speech orders for the last big speech (HUZZAH!), i make rice krispie treats for the halloween church activity, i find someone to take said rice krispie treats to church because i'm not going but don't want to be one of THOSE people who signs up for something and then doesn't do it because they are lame.

i think about how i'm kind of tired.  i think about how i should probably take a nap before it's gametime.  but then i have to switch the laundry and then i decide that i'm hungry and then i start planning all of the many things i am going to cook and ooh wouldn't chili be good but i don't have any beef hey what about chicken and black beans? then i make pinto beans from scratch (like, i soaked them and then boiled them, not that i created them from dust) and a double recipe of pumpkin bread.

and at this point it because quite apparent to me that, though i have achieved perhaps the easiest thing on my academic to-do list by completing the speech orders, i have done nothing else.  and, you know, that's stupid.

because I'M ALMOST CAUGHT UP. 

but i'll lose that momentum, perhaps, if i don't do something today.

but then it was game time and i was hungry so i ate a quesadilla with hummus and it was delicious and then i ate some other stuff, because it's not a day that ends in y if my moments aren't completely consumed with planning what i am going to eat next and trying to make wise decisions and also just because i'm hungry ALL THE TIME and now i don't feel like puking every time i eat anymore, so that's nice.

and then i wrapped and froze two mini loaves and a big loaf of pumpkin bread (seriously? SERIOUSLY.) and put the 24 mini muffins in the cake holder (i know.  SERIOUSLY.) and then i made some chicken black bean chili that i might have put a LITTLE too much spice into (i.e. i can't eat it without lots of sour cream and MILK, so musicboy will probably love it) and then there was this pile of laundry that needed to be folded and then i realized it was 9:15 and instead of doing anything productive, i was doing anything but.

including blogging.

but this realization has been one that has been quite clear to me all day. that, despite my best plans and copious to-do lists, it just WASN'T going to happen.

and it's sort of amusing how productive i am in my attempts to do anything other than what i should be doing, but it's sort of sad too, because in the land of what might have been, i'd be practically caught up.

but there's still another hour at least until musicboy gets back, more than likely, so maybe i'll get something done then.

but that pile of clothes isn't just going to fold itself, you know.  and the dishes really do need to be done. 

good grief. 

postscript.

"not completely certain HOW everything will work out, but nonetheless sure that it will. it always does."

way number one: finding out that the classes that you thought might be entirely on campus will, in fact, be entirely online.  and that there are two.  so that makes five online classes for next semester. they're not the highest paying gigs, but they're gigs that pay the bills. and they don't include any OIOHL classes, of which i am planning to partake mightily until Baby comes.

i worry too much, you know? and every single time i do, i'm always shown, very clearly, that we are cared for and loved and that everything will be okay.

also, on a somewhat smaller but nonetheless nice point: this means that i don't need to dress up and get out and wear professional clothes every single dang day when i'm third trimester.  this means less spent on maternity clothes and more opportunities for me to wear pajama pants. huzzah!

these things are good.

music widowhood.

i believe i went into this whole wife of a music major thing quite cavalierly, humming and singing with my fingers in my ears, believing that we could totally do it without even breaking a sweat because it was so easy when musicboy was a music major at local cc.

if i didn't know the difference before, boy do i know the difference now.

i mean, i don't think i was so stupid as to believe we wouldn't be busy. i don't really think it's possible to be in school more than full time and have a part time job without being somewhat busy.  we were busy before, though, and it was totally fine.  we managed.  i mean, i complained a little and the house always seemed to be a mess (wow, i'm seeing a trend), but it was manageable.

it's funny how your definition of manageable can drastically change.

i thought it was just the whole marching band and football season thing. i thought that was what was singlehandedly requiring planning dexterity of the highest degree.  10 hours a week and game days will do that. 

but then i planned next semester's schedule for musicboy, mainly because i totally dig doing that and i don't get to do it anymore because, hi, not a student anymore. 

and it's not going to be ANY different.  literally. the only difference is that musicboy will get a later start on tuesdays and thursdays and will only be gone until 2pm on saturdays for work. 

he'll still be gone until 9pm three nights a week.  one of those nights, i may be able to go with him to a church class, which will be nice, but otherwise? it's solid days and solid nights of classes and work.

but towards the end of that semester (thankfully, literally at the end--like two weeks before classes end, if we're exactly delivering on our due date, but more than likely one week before classes end, because that's how we roll), we'll have a baby.

and for the majority of that semester, i'll be very large with child.  hugely pregnant. unable to do things like carry large things down the stairs or do anything massively strenuous. 

the realization of that reality struck me somewhat hard.  it's just not going to get better until it's over.  it makes me share musicboy's motivation to just push through it and get it over with as soon as possible, but it also makes me worried that, somehow, we won't be able to do it all.

i know we will. musicboy, when we discussed this ever-so-briefly as he headed out the door to a recital, said that Heavenly Father likes to make us grow.  i chuckled. it's so true. 

i'm not angry.  just...unprepared, perhaps?  afraid, perhaps a little?  definitely unsure of my own capacity to pull up my metaphorical bootstraps and suck it up.  not completely certain HOW everything will work out, but nonetheless sure that it will. it always does.  lest you read this as all forlorn, it's not.  i'm not depressed about it.  resigned, perhaps, but not depressed.  not even really that worried, so much. 

but i definitely don't have my fingers in my ears anymore.  reality can be quite bracing in that regard. 

dear baby: your dad.

dear baby,

you haven't met him yet, but you have the best dad in the whole world.  how do i know? because he's probably the best guy in the whole world.  he has his flaws--we all do--but his flaws are things like being distractable or not noticing the dishes.  they're not important in any way to the really essential things about life. 

he's probably the kindest person you'll ever know. i sincerely hope you take after him in this way. he never meets a person that he doesn't like. sometimes, when i'm not sure about someone, i ask him if he likes that person and why. when i do, i begin to see that person through his eyes, and that helps me to make a much better decision. see, you'll learn this about me, but i'm not always the nicest person in the world. i try very hard to be, but i have to try very hard to be. your daddy doesn't. he was born to love, and the world is so much better off because of it.

he easily forgives.  this is good for both of us, let me tell you, because we'll both mess up--probably big time sometimes. and daddy? he just takes it in stride. even when we've done something dumb, when we apologize, he takes it and moves on.  he one hundred percent emulates the Savior like that. he will teach you more about forgiveness and repentance than you might think, so pay attention.

and he's fun, baby. he makes life fun, even when it's crazy. i think you'll like how much daddy sees the fun in life and how much he can make a game or a good time out of even what seems like the most mundane, annoying, monotonous nonsense.  it doesn't matter what it is, he always makes it better.  you'll like that.  he'll be a fun dad.

but he's serious about what's important, and he'll never let you forget that.  he'll put what's right for you first, even if you don't like it, but he'll always explain why it's important.  i really like that he can do this, that he's already practicing how to that.  he wants to make sure that you know why we want you to do what's right, why it's important to do the things that Heavenly Father wants us to do.  i love that.  he won't be one of those dads who just says "because i said so!"  he'll be humble and kind enough to teach you--and there's no greater gift that he can give you.

did you know your daddy is ridiculously talented? as soon as you have ears that can hear, i'm sure he'll be playing one of his many instruments in your general direction--or just singing to you. music, to him, is food and air and breath and life. it's what makes him tick, it's what he's best at. just like i love books, and will probably already make you crazy with reading before you even join us, daddy loves music.  some days you might wish that he's be home instead of at band camp, or some days you might wish that he didn't practice his trombone when you wanted to watch TV.  i understand--i've definitely felt the same way at times. but remember what i do: he's extraordinary, and we're so blessed to know someone so talented.  it's a testimony of the fact that we all come here with gifts and talents, and that it's our job to find them and use them. daddy found his, and he uses it every day.  when he sings to you, be glad to hear it.  when he plays for you, be grateful that he's your daddy. not everyone has a dad so extraordinary.

he loves the hugs and kisses, baby, and he loves the idea that there might come a day when you might not love it.  i just have to warn you--we won't be afraid to embarrass you, if embarrassing you means that we show you how much we love you and how much you are treasured. we are also not afraid to use our crazy willingness to do whatever you DON'T want us to do in public, in front of your friends, to make sure you do things our way. that seems manipulative.  we don't mean it that way.  we just...see it as incentive for you to comply with things that you might otherwise forget about. 

say, for example, that you're 15 and out with your friends, and we ask you to call when you arrive so that we know that you're safe and so that we know what time you will be home. if you're anything like your daddy, dear baby, you might forget because there's something more exciting going on. we understand this, but we also want you to understand how important it is to be considerate and to follow the rules, even if you don't understand them or if they don't seem important to you.  so, we might set forth some consequences. other parents might think that not calling would be worth a grounding or losing privileges. we think it might be awesome to just show up where we know you'll be (because we will always know where you are and who you're with) and smother you with hugs and kisses, proclaiming loudly and most dramatically "oh, MY SWEET BABY, we thought you were dead! when you didn't call, we just HAD TO COME DOWN HERE and see for ourselves that you were okay.  oh, baby, we remember when you were born and how you used to do (insert embarrassing baby story or pet name here) and we just COULDN'T not know where you were!"

it's just a plan, but it's a quintessential mommy and daddy plan. be warned. we have a sense of humor, and we're not afraid to use it--and daddy's probably the ringleader of them all.  he's not afraid to embarrass you, to put you out, to make you work, or to give you pause if it means it teaches you a lesson.

i will teach you, every day, to appreciate and love your dad for exactly who he is.  he's a treasure, even if you can't or won't always see it.  that's my job--to show you.  i'll keep reminding you, even when the two of you don't see eye to eye, that you are one blessed baby to have such an incredibly strong and righteous father.

our job is to love him with our whole heart. he deserves that plus so much more.  we'll keep working at it, right baby? 

we can't wait to meet you!

love, mommy.

murphy's law of teaching.

what doesn't normally happen to you will, in fact, happen to you in the semester in which you are teaching most frequently, causing you to test every element of your teaching persona and all of your policies to the limit and determine, ultimately, whether or not you're any dang good at your job.

in the eight classes that i currently teach the following have happened:

• people just not showing up for assignments (already talked about that) due to illness, car trouble, and who knows why, but there's usually an actual legitimate reason, which requires me to be understanding and allow for make-ups
• people falling off the planet and just not responding to emails even though they're still enrolled in my class (at collegetown u, no less, which just...doesn't happen)
• a major meltdown during a speech which was perhaps the worst thing i've ever witnessed, from an empathetic human side
• the weirdest attendance requests i've ever heard, including requesting to miss as many as 12 classes
• plagiarism. lots and lots of plagiarism. and not even good plagiarism. like "i will take the first google search that comes my way and then take the entire paper from that" kind of plagiarism.
• a whole host of random injuries, including two broken wrists and two torn up knees that required medical intervention which often occurred just before class
• a whole host of child-related issues, including child-care issues, a child having multiple surgeries, and a child in utero

i just...wow.  there's only so much one teacher can take before i really start to wonder WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH THIS SEMESTER?

yeesh. 

bullets on a monday.

• nothing makes me more nuts than people who walk, while a car is waiting patiently to turn right, like they are the center of the universe. i just encountered this on campus, and it makes me nuts. so of course i was, uhm, strongly speaking to the people when a poor guy who really didn't see me began to cross, saw me annoyed and yell-y, and felt bad.  then i felt bad.  

• jesse ventura looks BAD.  like hard living bad.  like this and hulk hogan are the cautionary tale of wrestling bad.  and yet he has a tv show that looks insipid.  probably gets paid a lot more than i do in a year for one episode.  show me the justice.

• i'm addicted to pumpkin bread.  and baking.

• making food ahead of time for the win.  today has been INFINITELY less stressful, and i'm assuming it's because i don't have to think about ANYTHING.

• i'm contemplating the least obtrusive way of telling my students that i haven't just eaten too many chicken wings at too many tailgate parties and am, in fact, pregnant now that my belly is beginning to look infinitely rounder and is busting out of some of my pants.  i think i might just do it.  i have a plan, but i wonder if they're all just going to stare at me like "so? we don't care." which is fine. they don't have to care. i just don't want them to think i'm fat.  i'm so vain.

• my homemade jam is like the best thing i've ever had. besides pumpkin bread and apple pie yogurt and oreo klondike bars and broccoli salad and toast.  oh dear.  i'm not very discerning.  there are all of these spaces in my belly book journal thing that ask what i'm craving.  i don't crave.  i just...get on kicks.  like cinnamon and pumpkin and salsa and sour cream.  anything i can include those things in, i am down with.  is that weird?

• the one kid that just continued to be an aggressive, confrontational jerkweed to me has now turned a corner. i'm not sure it's because i made an aggressive attempt to act as if nothing was wrong and tried to be kind and outgoing to him or if he decided that he was a jerkweed, but every single time he seems decent, it blows me away. i doubt i will ever cease to appreciate it.  it's amazing how your perspective changes.

• i just ate a snack and i'm still hungry. this is most assuredly musicboy's baby. 

things to do on a saturday other than address the pile of papers that need to be graded.

once upon a time, i told a friend at church that when saturday rolls around, i feel all domestic. i get the kitchen clean, i do the laundry that's piled up all week, i bake something (usually), and i clean up the living room so that it doesn't look like university life threw up under our coffee table. 

when i was telling her this, i said "i should probably make food ahead of time. it might be really nice to be able to have things already made during the week when i just sometimes cry when i think about cooking." she agreed, most strongly, and said that i would feel so productive.

then i read this blog and was at once inspired and totally intimidated.  spend the whole day cooking? have things completely made and then FREEZE them? how does one go about doing that? what, like, equipment does one need for that?

but when i started this day, i felt totally overwhelmed by my life. too much, too often, too little break.  so, of course, i began getting things done.

and, surprisingly (or not), i began to figure out things that i wanted to cook ahead.  something i call mexicubanacos (actually, musicboy coined that term), which is just chicken, black beans, and rice in a homemade cuban/mexican sauce. it lasts me AGES for lunches and it works for easy heatupability as well.  pumpkin bread.  HOMEMADE JAM.  next up is chicken burgers and then preparing the mini-meatloaf for tomorrow and taco meat for later this week. 

i like this idea, that i am preparing ahead. it makes me feel like perhaps life will be a little bit easier, a little bit more manageable.  at the very least, when i feel like my dinner will be cheese fries, musicboy will have something to eat when he gets back from work/school/practice.  that is my most pressing stress at night, to figure out what to eat (or to make sure there's something to eat), and i am happy to have options already figured out.

when i finally get to go to the store tonight, i will also make broccoli salad and wash fruit for the week.  i am just so excited to have FOOD.  food already prepared. food already made.  CHOICES.  no stress of creativity. i've ALREADY been creative!

huzzah!

we'll see how well it works, since i really should be grading. perhaps i can take the time i save doing all of this and use it to catch up.  at the very least, i'll end this day feeling like i have accomplished a great deal, and that's enormously important to my psychological well-being.

because, really, if you know anything about teaching, you know that you are actually never caught up. 

ever.