Wednesday, January 23, 2013

sometimes i miss my old life.

i probably shouldn't say that, and i rarely do, but it's true. and when the sleep debt gets so big that it becomes physically sickening (as in, i'm so tired i'm nauseated) and when both of my kids decide to go through some sort of developmental nonsense at the same time and when i don't pray enough, i miss my old life.

i don't think there's anything wrong with that, because it's the same self-deception that tells us that our neighbor must be so much better of a person because of x/y/z that isn't at all informed by reality, but instead by the grass is only greener philosophy. the reality is that my old life sucked big time sometimes too. i was stressed, i was tired, i was pushed to my limit.

my limits are just bigger now.

i often feel smaller, strange as that may seem. motherhood has a way of shining a bright beaming spotlight on all of your idiosyncratic flaws and faults, making them seem as if they are the only thing there. i yell too much. i get frustrated really easily. certain things (like toddler screeching or ignoring what i say) make me INSANE.

so somedays i envy the days when i was only responsible for myself, and then for my husband. i see now, as i'm writing this, how Heavenly Father has prepared me for this time of Great Pressing Need. i am surrounded by it, and i am responsible for it, and i see how He has allowed me to learn how to take care of myself, then how to take care of myself plus another person, and now how to take care of a family.

but it's hard and anyone who says it isn't is either much better equipped for sleep deprivation than i am or a big fat hairy liar.

(i'm betting on the second.)

do you know that i didn't realize that sleep deprivation causes you to be more stressed and to deal with emotions less ably? i just read that. i thought i was just a jerk.  turns out i'm just tired. heh.

i don't know what i wanted to say, really, except to say that though i think i'm probably doing an okay job at this parenting thing, i don't think i will ever feel like i am. i feel small, most days, though the work is mighty. i feel weak most days, though i think what i do indicates great strength. i feel unable to meet the challenge of raising two girls to be mighty and faithful and kind and obedient, because i don't know how to do it. but i also don't know how my kid learned how to say "no, thank you." so i think we're probably doing something right.

i absolutely know that having children is a divine way of improving yourself, of coming closer to Him. there's no way on this earth we could do it alone. i'm still not sure we're really doing anything. there's a lot of grace in this gig, thank heavens.

i'm still tired. it's still hard. that doesn't mean there isn't joy. on my good days, i am filled with it and i see it in every toddler footfall and infant smile. on my other days, i have faith that tomorrow will be better and i will be better because of today.

and so it goes.

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