Wednesday, January 9, 2013

enjoying the journey.

this time, with tessa, i am just not as stressed out as i was with maggie.

i remember being so fretful about every little thing. why wasn't she sleeping better at naps? why would she only sleep long stretches when she was laying on my chest? how could i get her to eat more easily--and did it mean something bad? why wasn't she rolling?

the list goes on and on.

this time, i hardly think about those things. i can't know what the difference really is, though i really imagine it has much to do with our 4 or 5 week early start when she was honestly attached to me 24-7.  but i think there are equal parts in there of knowing she's likely our last baby, because of my uterus's abnormal desire to hold on to the placenta, as well as this not being my first rodeo.

we're still nursing, and i nurse her almost exclusively at night.  so if she has an off night, she's usually attached to me for most of it. and those nights are exhausting.

but i don't stress out about it as some sort of abnormal indicator.

she's not sleeping through the night, and i don't expect her to. she's doing great and while i would like to get more sleep, that's really not tessa's fault. she sleeps a good 3 to 4 hour stretch before i even think about sleeping myself, so it's not fair to be upset at her for waking up to eat.  she's supposed to. i get it.

i am not stressed out about her development. she's not rolling from back to belly yet, but i'm sure much of that has to do with the fact that she doesn't get as much floor time as her sister did because...she has a sister who doesn't really understand the idea of little fingers that can be crushed or being completely gentle with tender heads.

i think i don't want tessa to grow up much. she's in a wonderful stage, so expressive and delightful. she wakes up happy, even when she's starving.  she's happy and she's healthy and i don't remember what our family was like without her in it. 

this time, i am trying to enjoy it as it comes. i trust myself. i trust my instincts. i trust that i will know when the time is right to do new things, if those times come.  i am much more interested in those moments, when i remember that i may not get to experience this again, when i hug her tight or when i feel her sweet baby face melt into my neck as i rock and bounce her to sleep.

these moments move too fast. i think i moved too fast through them with maggie. i was always waiting for her to get to the next stage.

i'm not in such a hurry, with either of them, any more.

slow down, sweet girls.  mama can't move that fast.

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