i've been watching couples a lot lately when i walk. the mall seems to draw couples like moths to a flame or mosquitos to a bugzapper--they're just there, no matter what time of day you go. they stroll together, holding hands, and i think it's quite adorable.
what i've been noticing most recently is how couples match. i've always had a theory that successful couples match--actually, it may be my mom's theory, but i subscribe to it. it's not necessarily that they look alike--i've seen couples of different races, of wildly disparate body types, and of hugely different heights match completely. it's more that they just seem to fit each other...when you see them, you think "uh huh. yeah. i get that."
in the mall, i notice these things. today, i saw this couple that just made me chuckle. they were...well...sort of nerdy (and i say that with affection, since i am down with the nerds). and they just fit. you could see it, and it made me happy.
the other thing i've noticed is how couples express a sense of ownership with each other. i don't mean that in any sort of pejorative way--i really mean it as a level of comfort with each other that expresses intimacy. i was walking the other day behind a couple--wildly different looking, by the way--and the girl put her hand on the small of the man's back and it was an incredibly intimate gesture. not because it was inappropriate (though she was so short that it could have gotten inappropriate really quickly), but because it just communicates so much.
i've also been thinking a lot about not letting my issues affect Baby Girl. i have self-image issues, and baby weight doesn't help them. so i've been thinking and pondering how to be mindful enough of them to a) still work diligently to overcome them both through concrete results and positive thinking and b) work without negativity so that Baby Girl doesn't grow up in a house where she inadvertently gets the idea that body is the only thing that matters because her mom is obsessed with the size of her thighs.
i'm really concerned about this. i want her to live in a house where she feels empowered to be exactly who she is at any given moment, where the hearth of her home is the seat of her confidence. i want her to see beauty and strength and courage and sweetness in her reflection, not something that doesn't meet the world's definition of size 0 sexuality.
so what do these two things have to do with one another?
well, today as i was walking and thinking about what i would blog about my walk (aha) and noticing what i was noticing, it occurred to me that musicboy and i match.
if you don't know musicboy, or aren't my facebook friend, you don't know this. musicboy is hot. like REALLY ATTRACTIVE. like when he got back from his mission i had to beat them off with a stick adorable. i always thought he was entirely out of my league. and then i didn't. and then we dated and got engaged and got married and had a baby.
and in my core i don't think he's out of my league anymore.
which, then, leads to one conclusion: i must be pretty. i'm not fishing for compliments here--just expressing a realization. if i believe that musicboy and i match, physically and spiritually and intellectually and emotionally, then i must somewhere believe that i am beautiful enough to be with him.
that's a revelation that is probably more like a resurrected truth.
so if i know that, then i must know that, while i still have 30 or 50 or however many pounds i ultimately want to lose, it doesn't much matter in the grand scheme of things. so long as we still match, i'm good. i ought to live that way, then, and stop talking incessantly about my fat.
walking 4 miles a day in the mall, you know, is probably a good start.