at first, i thought i needed more "me time" to rejuvenate. not possible, and didn't work anyways. i wasn't any better at grading.
then i thought maybe i needed to use nap time to my advantage, so i tried desperately to make baby girl nap longer. didn't work. she naps however long she needs to nap. right now, she's napping in my arms. i'm guessing it will be for 45 minutes, but hopefully i'll be able to keep her sleeping longer because she had a rough night and has a runny nose. little cold, maybe? sometimes i still do things during nap time that need to get done, and i always feel like i have won some sort of prize when i cross things off before musicboy gets home, but i no longer cling to the belief that naptime is my salvation.
then i thought i needed everything in my house to be organized. i grabbed onto this belief that if i organized the closets and babyproofed the house and actually put things in places where it made sense for them to be, instead of all over everywhere, i would feel more inspired. i haven't had time to do that at all. (i am still clinging to the belief that making it happen is a) important and b) necessary soon. i have a plan.)
i turned off the tv, for various reasons. i spent more time on the internet, but i tried to keep the tv off in our home. didn't do anything.
i bought a planner. i make to-do lists.
but still i feel fairly well overwhelmed, especially when i start trying to plan more than 45 minutes in the future, and realize that certain things need to get done before certain other things happen. (you're welcome for being so vague.) it feels like a puzzle that i can't quite make work--all the pieces are there, but they just won't fit.
|courtesy of http://blog.outerbanksvacations.com/2010/01/page/4/|
i've been praying about this lately, praying the prayer of the person at a loss for what to do next. it sounds more desperate than it is, because i really sort of just approached it like that puzzle i mentioned earlier. "what do i do? how do i do it all? please help me know."
after a few days, i started thinking about the analogy of the golf balls, pebbles, sand, and (my husband's addition) the chocolate milk.
i think i've been putting the sand in first, so to speak.
the golf balls in my life--my relationship with Heavenly Father, for example, and my own spirituality--have been taking a back seat to the other things in my life--immediate physical needs of baby girl, things like my job, cooking dinner, paying bills. i've felt like my life is filled with neverending tasks, but that those tasks don't leave any room for anything else.
that's because i haven't been putting first things first.
i still have no idea how to do it all, all the things that are righteous and worthy and that i need to do. i have no idea how to teach six classes, care for baby girl all day, work out and lose the baby weight (which is REALLY important to me for lots of reasons), and keep my house clean enough to not be a disgrace.
but i know that there IS room if the big, important stuff comes first.
so i'm using my planner, but the first things come first on it: prayers, scripture study, baby girl and musicboy, family. the rest will just follow.
i have faith.