Monday, August 29, 2011

something amazing happens when you actually start TRYING to live worthy of the Spirit in your life.

you keep getting inspiration.

duh, right? but seriously...i feel like since i've been trying to put the effort in to read my scriptures every day, to pray even when i'm exhausted, to remember the Lord more, to make more of an effort to enjoy the baby instead of being frustrated, i keep finding more things i need/want to work on.

that seems like it would be a really bad thing, really overwhelming. in some ways, i suppose it is slightly overwhelming to be shown some of your weaknesses (i.e. being a crappy, frustration-fueled bratty, overtired wife and the world's worst housekeeper) but in some way i find it liberating and inspiring.

if i know what to work on, what to attack, what to even just pray for, it seems a lot more doable. 

i feel like, in some ways, i am on the cusp of figuring all of this out. isn't that crazy? but i felt that way before, when Baby Girl was smaller.  i felt like we were on the verge of figuring some stuff out--and as i recall, in my chronically tired haze, i was right. she figured out a schedule or figured out her eating or something that was bothering me.

i feel like we are just a few weeks, maybe a few months, away from some good changes. i think naps are going to extend. i think her eating is going to normalize. i think we're just going to figure some stuff out.

i think i'm going to figure out how to do all of this work in the shortest amount of time possible. i think i'm going to stay on top of things better than i ever have before. i think i'm going to be able to grade faster and better and not be eternally overwhelmed.

i think i'm going to figure out how to blitz my way through cleaning my house in half-hour increments throughout the week. 

i think i'm going to figure it out. i feel it. i feel like there's good changes coming.

but in the meantime, i'm feeling like i have some work yet to do on myself and on how i manage things in my life.  i'm not beating myself up--i know why i am doing what i am doing and it makes sense to me--but i am not satisfied with being not all that i can be. (oy. terrible sentence.)

so i'm going to work to be better.

there's power in that, you know?

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