so i think i am internally three years old.
because i'm having separation anxiety and a serious case of the "NO! MINE!"s.
let's begin with the separation anxiety. since i've had the absolute luxury of having musicboy home so much over the past few weeks, i don't like it when he leaves. he has three days entirely off: tuesdays, thursdays, and sundays. the other days, he has work, and even on the days he has "off" he still has school work to do (i LOVE online classes!) and occasional things like choir or church commitments. so it's not like he isn't out and about--he is, far more than i am.
but some days, i dread the next day when i know that he will be gone again for a stretch.
sometimes the anxiety comes from having weathered a stormy few days with baby girl, like we just did. she had some gas and it was bumpy and we got through it and got stronger (and if you think gas is no big deal, hey man, let me show you a baby who won't sleep because it wakes her up during the day and then gets cranky because she hasn't slept and then screams through the actual gas bout (which was probably only 15 minutes but felt like an eternity) and then is so overtired that it's really tough to get her to go to sleep and then you can comment--and yes, i get that we have it easy, but everybody's hard is still hard) and then we had a peaceful respite day when we just tag teamed and it was good and i don't want those times to end.
because then i'm left to my own devices and there's a small part of me that sincerely worries that if he leaves, everything will go terribly again and it will be hard and i'll be on my own.
odds are, at some point, that's bound to happen, but it's strange to feel so much like i want to cling to musicboy's pants leg and beg him to stay with meeeee.
it takes my independent spirit and sort of tosses it out the window, you know?
in other news, and i''m going to be superdeliberately vague here, i have found myself reacting surprisingly like HULKSMASHRAGE momentarily when a person that i otherwise find utterly endearing and adorable using possessive pronouns about my baby girl. i know that it's because this person genuinely loves the baby, and i have no idea where it comes from, but i'll see these references (mainly on facebook) and i, for the moment, am really, really annoyed.
as in "not yours...MINE" annoyed.
it makes no sense. i know it makes no sense. it's momentary and then my better, saner nature kicks in. when i told musicboy, he thought it was sort of funny. at first he thought the person was referring to a particular nickname that baby girl had received, and explained it away. when i saw it again, and told him again about my reaction in a sort of anthropological "isn't this WEIRD?" sort of observation about my own maternal weirdness, i think he better saw my point.
i told him i thought it was the one weird way my maternal instincts were manifesting themselves. he agreed.
three years old. i'm telling you.
i don't think we would really be as sane as we are if it weren't for streaming netflix and their seasons of television shows.
we have four on rotation at any given time, all sitcoms. sitcoms are the perfect snippets of time. without commercials, they're like 21 minutes long. that's long enough to feed a baby, or pump, or do any number of baby-related things that might otherwise feel longer.
sitcoms also require no real investment whatsoever. you don't REALLY have to keep track of what's going on, and they can be fun. we watched about six seasons of roseanne (before it got raunchy), the entirety of phineas and ferb, we're making our way through the cosby show, wings, cheers, and family ties. we bounce back and forth watching random things, and i'll admit, we watch a lot.
i've always been a person who needs noise, but i never wanted to be one of those people who sat their kid in front of the tv. when she's awake, i'm playing with her, but cosby might be on in the background.
it's baby steps, you know?
but i'm grateful for it. i feel a lot better about my choices when i'm able to control them moment to moment. for some reason, it's a lot easier to stop watching something that's streaming than something that's on broadcast tv. i have no idea why that is, but there you go.
we gave baby girl a bath tonight. i find that i suck at this. i always think of bath time as something you do at bedtime, and it's been hard to figure out the timing with her new schedule. we have to be ON IT and planning so that we do it before she gets a) really cranky or b) totally asleep. we managed it last night and oh my gosh she's so big.
she just seemed so much longer. and bigger. and less...tiny.
when musicboy came home from work today, he said "she's bigger!" i said he was crazy and he said "no really. did she take a nap today?" because they grow in their sleep, or so i read, and i said yes and then suggested that maybe he was right since i put a onesie on her in the morning that was one size, with no problem, and then when i had to change her because of a somewhat inevitable spit up incident several hours later, another onesie of the same size seemed small to me.
she's growing like crazy. i can hardly believe it. i'm going to blink and she's going to be two.
and as we were putting her to sleep, i told musicboy that if she becomes one of those two year old diva girls who thinks she's the prettiest thing in the world (because she smiled every time i said pretty for a few minutes), i'm going to have to work very hard to convince her that pretty comes and goes but kind and generous is forever.
my baby is growing--up and out and all around. i can't wait until we get her real stats at the doctor's office. i have a feeling she's going to be an overachiever in height. not sure in weight, but definitely in height.
i'm going to sleep now.