all clear.

got the old all clear from the doctor today to return to "normal activities," which was two weeks earlier than i thought people normally did and which i took to mean "do whatever the freak you want whenever you decide you want to do it" and the doctor doesn't want to see me until september.

i like that.  i like my doctor, but good heavens i've seen enough of that place, you know?

my doctor has always been pretty, uhm, nonverbal. i don't mean he doesn't talk, more that it's quite clear he's busy and so he asks if you have questions and assumes, as an intelligent person, you know what's going on and so if you don't ask then, if everything's fine, he sends you happily on your merry way.

i totally support this, and it doesn't bother me.

thus it was sort of funny to me when he actually had a question for me: "so what are you going to do about birth control?" and asked me what our plans were for having another baby.

(yes, we have plans. or i should say there's a timeline that is in my mind as a bare minimum timeline, and it ain't a "haha! surprise! three months after the first one here comes the second one!" timeline, if you understand what i'm saying. i want my body back for reals for a while. i'd like to figure out what the heck this parenthood deal is about. you know.  but i'm also older than most when they start, so i'm not waiting until Baby Girl is forming full sentences and commenting on world events or something before thinking again about it.)

ANYWAYS.

so it turns out that the prescription that they gave me in the hospital for birth control (the options that they gave me for breastfeeding mothers were: birth control pills, an IUD, and depoprovera shots. i'm not joking. so obviously, i chose the pills but haven't filled the prescription and didn't really want to because i don't really want to be on the pill again, but i will when/if it's necessary) WILL POSSIBLY DEPLETE MY MILK SUPPLY.

as in the milk supply that is woefully inadequate and seems, today, to be going down again (of course i have slept a sum total of like 8 or 9 hours in the last 48, so that might have something to do with it).

when i told my doctor what they had given me, he was really surprised. and then he mentioned other options (which seemed much more logical and doable to me and less totally insane) and suggested that even if i was only breastfeeding a few times a day it would probably keep me from ovulating.

HOT DOG NATURAL BIRTH CONTROL.

(yeah, i know those stories too. i'm not an idiot. i just like the idea that maybe this whole pumping thing will be less frustrating on that end of life than it currently is on the whole "feeding my child" end.)

anyways. i'm all cleared for everything and so the first thing i thought of was that tomorrow i'm going to body combat.

i know i said that before, but for reals. i'm going.  musicboy will be home from work and i am going and it will be painful and pathetic and sad and wonderful and psychologically boosting because I AM GOING TO BODY COMBAT.

and i celebrated this by eating pancakes, cookies, and potato chips. i know.

but i am going to BODY COMBAT! i am so excited.  i am going to need an oxygen mask and i'll probably be gasping for water between every track (even the warm up!) but i don't care.  i am so excited. 

as my mom said last night: i know what i need to do. i'll do it.  it'll be fine.  according to the doctor's scale, in 4 weeks, i've lost half of my baby weight (a little more than 20 pounds).  i figure it will take me through the summer to lose the rest.  i'm okay with that. 

(i'm pretty sure this change in my attitude comes from being able to actually put together outfits that look halfway decent because beth loaned me the magic pants and now i have pants and i don't even care what size they are anymore because i can look cute when i go outside.)

in the meantime, i'm just going to do the best that i can. sometimes, when my baby screams bloody murder because she has the worst gas ever and that scream makes me sob in sadness and frustration because i can't make it better, i eat a cookie after it all resolves itself and we're both not crying anymore.

i'm pretty sure that will always be the case. that's okay.  we're all just doing the best we can here.

that's all we can do.

that and a whole lot of roundhouse kicks and uppercuts.  whee!