yes. i see the theme.

we all have trials, and i get that. they're catered to our individual circumstances, to teach us what we need to learn.

what, in fact, do i need to learn from the fact that, no matter how i try, i seem to be gaining weight instead of losing it? despite feeling smaller, fitter, and in better shape than i was when i got married, i am twenty pounds heavier and it just keeps creeping up.  i know that ten or fifteen of those pounds are a direct result of ice cream and cookie consumption. i don't hate on that.

i hate on the fact that i am so deeply frustrated that it makes me angry. i don't like how that feels.

say what you might about not letting the scale dictate what your happiness level is, i do NOT want to gain back all of the weight i have lost. i count it a personal failure.  i count it a disaster. i count it my worst nightmare.

so what am i to do? why is it not working?

but beyond that, how do i deal with such significant amounts of frustration? the only thing i can think to do is to weigh myself once a week, be vigilant and do what i know to do, and wait.

WAIT.

i hate waiting. i HATE IT.  i hate that this particular trial is so much easier for other people. i hate that i can watch a show like jillian michaels' losing it and see people lose 53 pounds in six weeks. i mean, i get that they're at the beginning, and i'm likely at the end, of the journey, but still.  it's SO frustrating.

i'm doing the right things! i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing!

but then it occurs to me, as i write this, that there are often times that we are not immediately rewarded for our efforts. we are often doing the right things and being the right people and yet things don't happen that we want.  it's usually because the time isn't right or because we don't understand the big picture.

perhaps i'm never going to weigh what i want to weigh. perhaps i will spend my whole life dreaming of the wonderland that i hope to reach, dreaming of a number that may never happen.

perhaps that is true.

but perhaps, more likely, i am meant to continue to learn patience.

perhaps, more importantly, i am meant to learn to live well continuously, rather than in fits and starts when my pants get a bit tight.

perhaps, more importantly, i am meant to build muscle and skill and stamina and healthy habits that will translate into healthy eating habits for children and healthy pregnancies and healthy families.

perhaps, most importantly, i am meant to finally be able to see myself, if even in glimmering spurts, the way my Father in Heaven sees me and NOT the way the flawed and fallen world wants me to see myself.

perhaps, in those triumphant moments when i achieve something spectacularly hard that i didn't think i did, when i feel muscles that i didn't know i had, when i see my heart rate is lower than it used to be, when i feel my body changing, i am meant to not anticipate results but to recognize the success. 

perhaps i am meant to be content.

--

after i wrote this, frustrated and feeling a bit beleaguered, i went to walmart to buy a food scale so that i can more accurately measure the things that i am just guesstimating at. i've been meaning to do that for ages. while i was doing that, i stopped into the clothing section.  they had some shorts for a song, so i pulled what i thought was my size. 

i prayed as i hit the dressing room. i wasn't sure that they would fit, because sizes at walmart are ODD and also me and pants are not good friends.

they not only fit, but they fit beautifully. i bought two, and cried a little, and thanked Heavenly Father for a tender mercy that tells me that i must be doing something right.

and to just hold on and keep doing it.  good work is rewarded eventually, even if it's not in the way we expect. 

i'm still holding on.