Wednesday, July 7, 2010

yes. i see the theme.

we all have trials, and i get that. they're catered to our individual circumstances, to teach us what we need to learn.

what, in fact, do i need to learn from the fact that, no matter how i try, i seem to be gaining weight instead of losing it? despite feeling smaller, fitter, and in better shape than i was when i got married, i am twenty pounds heavier and it just keeps creeping up.  i know that ten or fifteen of those pounds are a direct result of ice cream and cookie consumption. i don't hate on that.

i hate on the fact that i am so deeply frustrated that it makes me angry. i don't like how that feels.

say what you might about not letting the scale dictate what your happiness level is, i do NOT want to gain back all of the weight i have lost. i count it a personal failure.  i count it a disaster. i count it my worst nightmare.

so what am i to do? why is it not working?

but beyond that, how do i deal with such significant amounts of frustration? the only thing i can think to do is to weigh myself once a week, be vigilant and do what i know to do, and wait.


i hate waiting. i HATE IT.  i hate that this particular trial is so much easier for other people. i hate that i can watch a show like jillian michaels' losing it and see people lose 53 pounds in six weeks. i mean, i get that they're at the beginning, and i'm likely at the end, of the journey, but still.  it's SO frustrating.

i'm doing the right things! i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing!

but then it occurs to me, as i write this, that there are often times that we are not immediately rewarded for our efforts. we are often doing the right things and being the right people and yet things don't happen that we want.  it's usually because the time isn't right or because we don't understand the big picture.

perhaps i'm never going to weigh what i want to weigh. perhaps i will spend my whole life dreaming of the wonderland that i hope to reach, dreaming of a number that may never happen.

perhaps that is true.

but perhaps, more likely, i am meant to continue to learn patience.

perhaps, more importantly, i am meant to learn to live well continuously, rather than in fits and starts when my pants get a bit tight.

perhaps, more importantly, i am meant to build muscle and skill and stamina and healthy habits that will translate into healthy eating habits for children and healthy pregnancies and healthy families.

perhaps, most importantly, i am meant to finally be able to see myself, if even in glimmering spurts, the way my Father in Heaven sees me and NOT the way the flawed and fallen world wants me to see myself.

perhaps, in those triumphant moments when i achieve something spectacularly hard that i didn't think i did, when i feel muscles that i didn't know i had, when i see my heart rate is lower than it used to be, when i feel my body changing, i am meant to not anticipate results but to recognize the success. 

perhaps i am meant to be content.


after i wrote this, frustrated and feeling a bit beleaguered, i went to walmart to buy a food scale so that i can more accurately measure the things that i am just guesstimating at. i've been meaning to do that for ages. while i was doing that, i stopped into the clothing section.  they had some shorts for a song, so i pulled what i thought was my size. 

i prayed as i hit the dressing room. i wasn't sure that they would fit, because sizes at walmart are ODD and also me and pants are not good friends.

they not only fit, but they fit beautifully. i bought two, and cried a little, and thanked Heavenly Father for a tender mercy that tells me that i must be doing something right.

and to just hold on and keep doing it.  good work is rewarded eventually, even if it's not in the way we expect. 

i'm still holding on.


  1. My advice to you is to throw out your scale. Or put it somewhere obnoxious to get to, like the attic. You know that the number doesn't matter, we all know this, but as long as that monster of a machine sits there with that mocking black screen, we feel compelled to get on. As long as you FEEL good and healthy, you ARE doing what's right. Judge your weight by how your clothes fit and feel. If things start feeling tight, you need to cut back. If things feel lose, you're toning up and/or losing more.

    What you've accomplished so far is truly inspiring. Don't lose sight of the whole picture, you've come so far. And be fair to yourself, things worth fighting for rarely come without a fight. You're going to mess up and you're going to have fluctuations, that's human. You don't suck because you do these things. And it won't take away or diminish the major accomplishments and habits you've set in place.

    Keep your head up!

  2. ah that glorious feeling when pants fit well. no scale can ever compete.

    #1) i'm all about the food scale
    #2) go back to my post on supersets. read the article entitled biggest loser controversy. dehydration and sickness? i think you are doing much better than jillian's peeps. make sure to note the part where kai says: So why come forward now, three years later? "I have a responsibility to tell the truth. I wasn't losing 12 pounds a week. When someone who's watching the show is losing a pound or two a week, she should know that she's doing an amazing job."