filed under "new developments":
one more 3am meltdown because baby girl wouldn't latch or wouldn't eat (i can't remember which, to be honest with you) meant i gave up actually breastfeeding. me and my breast pump, though, are super good friends. breast pump is the kind of friend you can count on in a pinch--there at all hours, loyal, true.
and i'm getting heaps more than i used to. if by heaps you mean i'm pumping more than an ounce from both at a time. considering i used to barely get .5 ounces, this is happy news.
i got pooped on. i've been peed on and spit up on. those i can deal with. but the poop--man. that was nasty.
but i prayed for poop, and boy did she hand it to me.
file this under "be careful what you pray for" category or, perhaps better, "be grateful even when your answers aren't QUITE what you had anticipated."
gas. spit up. i used to think these things were totally normal. and apparently they are. but when your baby is the one who is spitting up, without a care in the world like it doesn't matter that she does it routinely when she's sleeping so that her little face is in a wet stain, it begins to feel far from normal.
(although apparently like 60% of babies spit up, and there's nothing wrong with her, and it's totally normal and just get used to the extra laundry, mom).
according to my non-scientific "get on the scale with the baby, put the baby down, get back on the scale," my girl has gained 13 ounces in a week, to just about 8 pounds. that would be MORE than what she's supposed to be gaining. that would thriving, folks.
and we may be moving out of newborn diapers. after the poosplosion, i'm definitely not a fan of one brand of newborn diapers.
she's got to be doing well if she's gaining weight so well. and i swear she's looking more like a person. must be all that extra meat on her bones. her wrinkled old man brow is hardly noticeable anymore. she's still got the expressive forehead (that's from me), but it's much less old man like.
i'm so glad we captured it so well in pictures.
filed under "things that melt my heart":
sometimes, when she wakes up content or when she has just eaten, i swear baby girl has smiles in her eyes. over the past week, she just seems so much...happier. this is, of course, contrasted by her frustrating screamfests at night, when she just won't go to sleep even though she is exhausted and soothing her requires an act of congress or a combination of at least three of the Happiest Baby S's (do you know this? it works, i swear).
but sometimes, as she's drifting off to sleep, she gives these huge grins that show her little baby gums and i feel myself grin too. she's just so cute.
and other times, she'll smile just for the heck of it. i know they're not at me, but more and more i think they might be getting close.
this morning, operating on 3 hours of sleep and facing a pretty wild day ahead, i brought baby girl upstairs and put her next to her semi-awake daddy in the big bed. she wasn't yet asleep, so i knew if i put her in her bassinette, she'd cry and that would be problematic since i needed to go do stuff.
i came back about 30 minutes later to find my baby and my husband both asleep and both snoring just a little bit, that sort of deep breathing snore you do when you're asleep.
anyone who says this child isn't her daddy's girl is CRAZY. i would invite them to see any one of her many mannerisms that match her dad's.
seeing that made my morning. those are the moments that make the long days worthwhile.
on sunday, musicboy and i found some time to just be us again. it's hard when you're new parents, because you're strapping on these weighty new roles and there's this little person who is exceptionally demanding in the sense that the needs are neverending and constant. i don't say that to complain or begrudge, but only to articulate that, yes, it never ends.
that can be hard sometimes, especially if you're accustomed to having stretches of time when you can just be with the person that you love most, uninterrupted.
babies are nothing if not an adorable, loved, welcomed interruption.
but on sunday, feeling a bit battleweary from the past week and a bit frightened by the looming week ahead, we found time to remember who we are. there's something about sundays that let this happen--i consider it a tender mercy of the Lord on His day. He helps us refocus and recenter ourselves in every way, if we let him.
so musicboy and i camped out on the couch while maggie blissfully slept a few feet away. it was lovely, it was peaceful, it was exactly what we needed.
i think we need more of it, actually.
i have begun trying to sing to maggie to soothe her when she's fussy. there is major power in "I Am a Child of God"--it works almost every time to get her to start to close her eyes and drift off to sleep.
as i was singing it last night for the fifth time, i think, i realized that the third verse really captured how i felt last night: "I am a child of God / His promises are sure / Celestial glory shall be mine / If I can but endure."
sometimes i feel like i have to know everything right now. sometimes i feel like i have to be perfect at everything right now. some nights, like last night, though, are about endurance. they're about enduring well and doing your best as you do. they're about realizing when you're in the red zone of frustration, and being grateful that your husband came upstairs because he knew you were too. they're about crying a little and praying a lot and then getting back at it because you can. they're about realizing that, even when you're tired and feel like you don't have much left to give, you do. and you're not alone.
realizing, as i was singing to this tiny child of God, that i was one too and that i was just as loved and cared for by that God as she was helped a lot. i suddenly felt very much like i was not alone, and it gave me strength.
filed under "things i'm struggling with":
cabin fever. i have been out of the house five times since i came home from the hospital. three of those were doctor's visits and two were very short trips to a store to purchase either food or baby necessities.
this is not okay, but i only realized how not okay it was yesterday. somehow the days just happen and before i know it, it's 5pm and it's really too late to go on a walk or it's too late to plan to go anywhere.
and the reason i haven't gone anywhere, really, is because she's too little. i don't want to expose her to the germs that are inherent in a place like the grocery store. (listen, i know when i've gone to the grocery store--bad times. babies don't need that.) so i have felt, to a certain extent, chained to the house. unless musicboy is there, i can't leave.
i think, for my own sanity, i need to amend that. today, i think we're going to go to the local copy center to fax an insurance form. it seems like a baby step but an important one. then maybe we'll just drive around with the windows down. baby girl loves the car. i don't think she'll mind.
mom might do well with a little sunshine.
and tomorrow, when we have musicboy home a bit more, we're going to get out the stroller and take a little walk.
i think it's all doable--it's just...difficult to find ways to make it all work in our day. i'm still new at this, so trying to find ways to include everything is challenging. i still haven't really figured out the dishes/laundry/clean up the house/cooking thing with a baby. but i'm working on it.
i get that it's been 20 days since i gave birth, and that i was pregnant for something like 275. i get that it took a while for the weight to pack on, and that it will take a while to go back. i'm fine, actually, with that.
what i'm not fine with is that i have no clothes to wear. none of my pants fit. seriously. they don't fit. and i didn't like my maternity pants particularly when i had to wear them. so here i am, with like two pairs of shorts and some pajama pants that fit. i would imagine my skirts and dresses fit, since they fit when i was pregnant, but i have no pants.
(remember when baby girl didn't have any pants? now it's my turn.)
this depresses me in ways that i can't even articulate. the scale has totally plateaued for about a week now, which i suppose i'm glad that it's not going up (since i haven't been eating as well as i should) but i don't know how to make it go down. i'm not sure if i'm not eating enough (i'm not sure if my abysmal milk production actually counts as "breastfeeding" in terms of calories) or if the lack of sleep for ages and ages is contributing (i tend to hold on to my weight if i'm not sleeping at least 7 hours a night, and i'm pretty sure it was still 2010 when that happened last). i know i'm not drinking as much as i should, because i'm really thirsty when i'm not pushing the water down (that, i know, is breastfeeding).
yesterday, when i went to target, i had to wear brent's athletic shorts because mine had been pooped on and were in the washer. i felt HUGE and self-conscious the whole time. i felt huge when i was pregnant, but i was proud of my hugeness. now i feel like i've slingshotted back to where i was before i lost all of my weight, and i hate the way that makes me feel.
it sent me into a royal funk that made last night, with maggie's fussiness and musicboy's need to study, very difficult for me. i may have melted down a little bit. i may have been stuck in a bit of a woe-is-me attitude. i may have been bluesing a little bit (though i have been SO together lately!).
i just hate it. i know i'll have to work hard to get my body back. i know it. i'm okay with that--i really am. i just wish my body could throw me a bone and let me back into my clothes while i do. it's a lot easier to work hard on yourself when a heaping dose of self-loathing isn't poisoning your proverbial kool-aid.
maggie's nap schedule. she sleeps like a champ in the night and in the mornings. once about 6pm rolls around, she starts fighting it big time. so she'll spend the entire time between feedings either being totally alert and awake or fussing, making her even more tired when the next feeding comes around, and eventually she gets so overtired that she's a little beast child to try to get to sleep.
we're working on getting her to sleep as much as we can, but it's a struggle. some days are better than others. i see nap tantrums in my future. i'm already planning how to deal. :)