Friday, April 8, 2011

the bottom lines, so far (followed by the details, i promise).

in every journey, you would hope that there would be a bottom line. the moral of a story, so to speak, or the thing that the journeyer comes away understanding better. 

i'm on day 2 of my daughter's life, and so far my bottom lines have been these:

  • nothing, and i do mean NOTHING, has turned out the way that i expected.  everything from breastfeeding to labor to choices to the way i have handled it all have been a complete surprise, and yet they have been right.
  • thus, i have learned this: i have been a very judgmental person in my life. i come from a space, often, of black and white. sometimes, that is appropriate. oftentimes, it is not.  i sincerely repent of this in my heart, and yet i know that i will likely face the same sort of treatment from kindly intentioned others who share my same particular human foible. being the same, i think i will understand. however, i truly see life a little bit differently. nobody knows the shoes you walk in, and nobody can make your choices for you.
  • this week has been a love letter to me from my Heavenly Father and from me to my husband. i have never felt more loved, cared for, or supported in my ENTIRE life.
  • i am already learning to let go of what could be, what "should" have been, what might be, and instead learning to really love the moments when i get to try to get to know this precious spirit who has come to our family.  everything else is just...good ideas or nonsense.
  • i am exhausted (probably a sum total of about 8 hours sleep over the past 72 hours or so) and i am surprised at how well i am handling it. i am thrashed physically, and i am surprised how well i am handling it. i feel very keenly my responsibilities, and sometimes that brings me to tears, but i am also more often than not a little bit kinder, a little bit more generous, a little bit more aware of how much others have done for me and how much kindness is bestowed upon me.  i more often have a smile on my face than i ever have before.
all of this because of a girl named maggie, who very much likes to suck everything in sight and who sounds like a little baby frog while she does it.  she hates getting her diaper changed but loves her daddy with all of her heart.  my favorite thing, thus far, has been having her nestle her little head near my neck and go to sleep. i am intoxicated by her sweet smell and fascinated by the fact that i have no idea if she remotely looks like me, other than her nose, but am positive that she has her daddy's mouth. 

i am in love with my life. 


  1. Congratulations!! So so much. And welcome to the deep learning that comes with motherhood, the majority of it (like you expressed) is what we discover about ourselves, even things we don't like that we didn't know about ourselves before. And it all adds up to finding and giving love. Enjoy the ride.

  2. you're making me cry! i'm am so so so happy for you and love you so so so much!

  3. you need to update your info/description to include "mother".

    love you. love her. don't even know her yet but I know she's perfect.

  4. I am so happy for you and I know all the things that motherhood teaches you, in fact I'm still learning and I'm sure its an on going process forever. Please post as many pictures of your sweet Maggie as you possibly can on facebook.