week 39, day 2: for reals now.

i'm not doing this to be a tease--i think, actually, i'm doing it more for me so that i remember what to go back and remember and record about these past few days. i'll never do it, or i'll lose parts of it, if i don't jog my memory a bit with these little teasing updates.

yesterday was hard. mom arrived, and i felt under the gun. for lots of reasons, we were all just tired--tired of not knowing, tired of not being sure--and i was very, very tired of being frustrated. i don't mean mentally frustrated. i mean frustrated in the literal meaning--stymied, stopped, and thwarted.

i am not a person who takes to a thwarting well.

so i had what has to be the largest emotional breakdown i've had in our married life on my husband's shoulder last night. i sobbed the really ugly kind of sobs, where you are crying from your gut and you are just a snot factory, worried that i was broken, that i was not faithful enough, that i was doing something wrong, and desiring only really one thing. it wasn't a selfish desire. it wasn't because i was tired of contracting or tired of being pregnant or anything like that. i just wanted everything to work out for everyone.

(again--there's more to the story, but i don't think it matters much.)

my husband did his rockstar husband show, knew exactly what to say to me, didn't mind that i had snot running down my face at times, and held me until my crying stopped and my breathing became more like normal breathing.

i felt better already then, realizing that there's only so much that i have control over, and then i asked him to give me a blessing. and he did and it was amazing and it confirmed to me that, yes, i do know what's going on in my body and, yes, i do know what i know. no matter what anyone says, there's not anything else i need to know.  the answers that i felt that had come HAD come. no doubt needed. 

i went to sleep slightly uncomfortable, having had a few WICKED contractions, but there were only a couple, so i decided that exhaustion won the day. having walked for several hours (mall and walmart), my body was quite tired. having cried from the depths of everything i am, my eyes were quite tired too.

(too much information alert ahead--i'll try to keep it less than gruesome)

i woke up around 4:45 having to pee. this is not new.  there were, however, some tell-tale signs of impending labor present, though. i had to look a couple of times to really identify what was going on (see: 4:45, tired eyes, bleary exhaustion).  but there was no doubt.

hot dog, i thought.  and i went to go back to bed.

i was there for probably 2 minutes before another wicked contraction hit.  had those before, they were sort of like the ones the night before, but i thought, well, okay. we'll see what happens with them.  10 minutes later, another one.

we'd never hit 10 minutes before.

then i had to pee again.  (i kept thinking "woot! losing weight as we SPEAK!" then i got on the scale this morning. hahahahahah. my body mocks me.)

and there more tell tale signs, but more like "oh dang. for reals this time. that just doesn't happen."

so i went back to bed and laid down, watching the clock. i was afraid to hope. i'll admit it.  but every 10 minutes for the next hour and a half, they were there.  they weren't always supertough, but they were there and they were different and they were definitely challenging.

when it was time for the alarm to go off, i told musicboy. i thought about waking him up earlier, but i thought somebody should get some sleep.

the contractions have continued, relatively regularly, since. i had my regularly scheduled appointment with my doctor, who i kid you not is leaving town this afternoon to return next week, at 915.  he checked me (OUCH. SWEET MOTHER.) and said i'm at 2 cm and much thinner.  he gave me the standard answers--when they're 5 to 7 minutes apart and i'm having to breathe through them to survive, go to the hospital; if your water breaks in a big gush, go to the hospital.  he felt badly that he wouldn't be there. 

i think it's rather appropriate, actually. i think i always knew that he wouldn't. weird, eh?

so here we are, musicboy and i and my mom, hanging out through the first stages of labor.  they're getting a bit more intense and i think possibly getting a bit closer together, but we're breathing through them and relaxing into them and, as they get more intense, it's okay. i'm trying to remember to take it one contraction at a time, and i'm learning to really love the relief that comes after a particularly intense one. endorphins for the win!

so there you go.  i suppose it's possible that i could be contracting like this for days, but i don't think so. and since i've been told that i know what i need to know, that the wisdom and the guidance that i've been given are all i need to know, i'll tell you that i don't think so. 

we're still here, but we're moving.