week 39: sounding the alarm.

i've been contracting, off and on, for about 3 days.  they're not the same as braxton-hicks, and they are definitely more regular than any other contractions that i've had.  though i'd heard the long and lauded story of my mom being in labor for three days with me, i didn't realize that it was like this--hours of fairly regular contractions (though mine never really got beyond 15 minutes, they change in intensity and type and all sorts of craziness), and then taper off during the night to let me get some sleep, and then back again.

that's literally the story of my mom's labor.

and apparently my aunt's first labor too, which i didn't know about until yesterday.

so after day 3 of this, mom decided it was time to come down. because, really, the contractions haven't stopped. they just hit pause for a while and then resume in a new fashion. today, they have resumed in a more intense fashion, though not yet quite regular.  sometimes they flirt with that regularity. 

so my mom will arrive in a few hours.  musicboy called his family, letting them know that we're on babywatch.  his sister got this upcoming weekend off.

i think that makes me nervous and peaceful at the same time.  it's hard to explain. someday i'll try to explain what these past three days have been like for me. one word: pressure.  it's difficult to try to be the gauge of everyone's plan when you, yourself, have no idea what's going on.  nevertheless, this all feels pretty right, even if it doesn't seem like it to anyone else.

sometimes it's hard to follow your instincts. 
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there's a story about how musicboy and i decided that we would exercise our faith and ask for the labor to progress, to become regular, for maggie to come.  it is a beautiful story that i don't think that i could ever do real justice to in words, except to say that sometimes, i think, you have to decide that you are ready and then you have to pray for the thing that you are almost afraid to pray for because it will be hard and long and tough work and, though you're not sure you're ready, you really are ready.

sometimes you have to pray for the mountain to move, waxing bold in that prayer, and then get out of the way of the miracle.

since we prayed, the contractions have been more intense.  i have felt more peace. and i have exercised my faith multiple times, asking for the blessing that we so want.

as musicboy said, "i just want her."

me too.  commitment seems like it's necessary here. i have to believe that we're ready. i have to believe it so that when i talk to my belly and tell her that it's okay to come, i really believe it. 

now i really believe it.  and i think it's a magical thing to actually really believe.

we're ready, in all of the ways that we can be ready, and we've already both felt impressed that she would come early.  i wasn't sure i was ready.  but i am.

i am ready for whatever comes, come what may. i wasn't ready before this weekend's general conference, but so much of it taught me that you don't have to be perfect for any of this life, to teach anyone anything--you just have to be remember what you know, teach it, and take advantage of the opportunities for those teaching opportunities to build your own testimony at the same time.

i think that's extraordinary. i think that magical cycle is what knits us together, as families, in love and faith. we're always teaching each other--even the little tiny ones who come so needy.

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if you are a praying kind, please pray for us.  i'm not scared--i'm just ready.  i believe in the power and capacity of prayer to buoy up those that you hold in it, in whatever way they need.  i believe that we are already beneficiaries of this, but more couldn't hurt.  :)

i'll keep you updated.  i promise.