Tuesday, April 12, 2011

this junk is hard.

motherhood is hard. i love it, and i love doing it, but i've never been more anxious in my life.  i'm CERTAIN some of it is hormonal, but we're having feeding issues and nothing spells anxious like a mom who thinks her kid is starving.

(she's not. we went to the pediatrician yesterday. she's fine. but my milk production is like laughable (working on pumping and amping up the water intake and actually getting some sleep and taking fenugreek is supposed to help) and maggie won't latch on anymore after doing supremely well for days.  now she's been eating with a bottle so long that i don't know what will happen, but if i have to exclusively pump, that's fine. i just hate formula, not because i'm philosophically against it (i am a formula baby) but because she seems to spit up and have more gas with it.  oy. see what i'm saying?)

she wasn't pooping or peeing enough, according to the books and the many contradictory numbers we heard.  then she both pooped and peed AT THE DOCTOR on the exam table.

i swear the kid has a serious sense of humor.

she spit up through her nose today.  yeah, i called the pediatrician.  the nicest nurse called back.  his final question to me, after i asked him if that was normal (yes), how much she should be eating (more than she will, really, at any one time), etc., was "is she cute? do you like her?" and i laughed and said "absolutely. i love her--that's why i worry so much." and he laughed and said to call anytime with question.

this after we accidentally ran into our pediatrician in the hall of his office building, after he heard us say his name.  he said "oh, did you bring me a present today?"

i've never been around a person who put me so completely at ease.  i'm so grateful for all of the ways that we've been blessed.

i just wish i would stop worrying so much. it's hard to know that you're doing the right things, you know? it's hard to know what's most important? it's hard to relax, though every day i get a little bit more confident and a little bit less anxious.  but i can't tell you what a freakin' hassle it's been to find a bottle that doesn't make her throw up everything.  and i so want to breastfeed.

but, as i'm learning quickly, my plans are not always anything whatsoever like what actually will happen.  i just want her to be healthy.

and i want her to poop. i've never been so invested in poop before in my life.



  1. You sound like you are doing an amazing job. Amazing. You're about a week in and there are bound to be changes--it seems like you're adapting to the circumstances in a fantastic way. If there's one thing this week has taught me? It's that our Heavenly Father listens to us when we call to Him. What's more? He will give you exactly what you need. No more, no less. And He is watching over you and Maggie with love and care. I'll be praying for you all!

  2. lol Oh my goodness, poop seems to rule a new mother's life, right?? I remember thinking the same thing.

    The first few weeks I was constantly asking my mom if x,y, or z was normal. That's all I wanted, her to be healthy and normal. I still call her to ask her the 'is that normal?' question, I just did a few days ago actually!

    Sorry you're having nursing issues! I've heard that fenugreek stuff is amazing - so hopefully that helps. I'd suggest maybe contacting the la leche league or a lactation consultant if you keep having problems with latching or production. And if you don't already have one, I'd also suggest getting a breastflow bottle. They sell them at Target. They have a special design that is much more similar to the breast then any other bottle out there. That may help with the nipple confusion stuff.

    Mothering is not easy, that's for sure. But it sounds like you're doing a great job! Hang in there! I'm sending prayers and good thoughts your way:)