true confession.

true confession: i'm ashamed to say i threw something across the room today.

it's such a self-indulgent bratty way to vent.  i can tell i've reached my limit when nap fighting sends me over the edge.  but really? to throw something? it was because i'd heard about someone doing that when they got frustrated.  it wouldn't occur to me otherwise. 

true confession: i think i've thrown things maybe twice in my life. i don't have a temper like that. frustration is really the only thing that gets me riled up, and even then i usually cry rather than do something lame like throw things.

but today, the ring toy base faced my wrath.  and all i ended up doing was crying.

true confession: i felt horrible. to her credit, maggie just looked at me, from across the room, like i was a nutjob.  i cried, said i was sorry (to Heavenly Father, with a sincerely repentant heart) and i picked maggie up, hugged her, and told her i was sorry. 

i didn't do anything to her. she didn't know my frustration was directed at her behavior (good grief child, JUST GO TO SLEEP for your afternoon nap. two days in a row of trying to put her down and not being able to do so without her a) waking up or b) fighting like a big fighting thing has sort of left me with very little patience--my issue not hers).  but still--i apologized for being less of a mom than i should have been in that moment.

she looked at my tears with concern in her eyes--sweet, empathetic girl that she is--and i smiled at her.  because, in that moment, all was well.

true confession: i have yet to reach my zen-like place of bliss regarding naps.  they just frustrate me.  mainly because i know she's tired. i know what will happen if she doesn't sleep. and, to be quite honest, i have hyperfocused too much on it.  i have found kindred spirit moms online who have crappy nappers, but sometimes i think talking too much about it makes it too much of a focus. 

instead, i should have just given up when i put her down and she woke up.  somewhere, down deep, i knew after that that she wouldn't fall asleep until she ate again.

and that's precisely what she did.

so, true confession: i am a crappy mom some days. i do all i can to internalize the crappiness--to keep the frustration internal, to not let it be directed at maggie in any way.  most of the time, i am entirely successful.  sometimes the stress is about her. a lot of the times, it has nothing to do with her.  but it's there, and if i haven't vented it properly, i will blow at some point.

i don't think it's at all an accident that i haven't been to the gym on two of my regular intense days.  i don't think at all.  it's time to go burn it out.

true confession: i have no desire to do so, but i know if i don't i'll be no good to anything pretty soon. 

true confession: there's nothing that feels worse than realizing you chose something stupid over something wise. 

true confession: i am infinitely grateful for the opportunity to have second chances. 

true confession: i need them a lot.