the philosophy of p.diddy.

or whatever his name is now. who can keep up?

i was at the gym last week--yes, i go now, religiously, on tuesday nights after i teach and on saturday afternoons for body combat--and p.diddy talks over the end of this danity kane track.

(yes, i live in 2006, thank you for asking.)

and he says "sometimes you gotta go through the pain to experience the joy."

well heck if that ain't the darn honest truth, there, diddy.  for exercise (i hit this track at the END of my workout, when i'm contemplating ending early or am ready to burn it out--it depends on the day), for childbirth, for life. for pretty much everything is my point.

so i've cried once already today. i cried three times yesterday.  it's just one of those weeks where i'm like I DON'T UNDERSTAND MY KID.  she's almost six months old (WHAT?!) and, from everything i read, i'm supposed to be completely flummoxed by her. which is good, because we're right on track then.  but between teething (two teeth in a week thank you very much i was not wrong she's been teething for at least a month and a half), learning to crawl (pretty much got the army crawl down, up on hands and knees a lot, oh give me strength), and figuring out how to talk (working on that d sound like a beast), sleeping just seems like the thing not to do at all during the day.  she's been fighting naps pretty regularly, so we're trying to work on a regular naptime routine where we go into her darkened room, turn on the fan, and rock and sing. sometimes she's out in 10 minutes, tops. those are beautiful days. then there are the days when she just whines and cries and punches me in the trachea (yeah, not kidding about that) trying to get away from me.

good times.

not really, but what are you going to do? you can't make a kid eat or sleep, and i know that in my head, but sometimes it feels like a lot of personal affronts. that's irrational, right? my kid digs me. she hangs out with me, gives me giggles and smiles, likes to eskimo kiss me, and thinks the pony girl bouncy knee song is awesome.  she likes me. it's not personal.

but sometimes fighting with your kid to do what you know they need to do, and holding strong, is just freakin' hard.

and sometimes just holding on and doing what you know you need to do even though all you want to do is not that is freakin' hard.

so sometimes life is hard is my point.

again, not landmark life analysis here. however, sometimes i forget that the hard stuff often precedes the awesome stuff. yesterday was WAY hard. just...frustrating in the sense that most of the things that i wanted to do were stymied by unexpected difficulties.  and i just wasn't handling it very well because it was one of those days when i woke up with very little patience.  so...i keep trying. i kept going at it. i kept working and giving mags the opportunity to sleep and giving in when it wasn't working and trying to make things happen.

by the end of the day, she was just cranky and i was losing my mind.

and i had a book of mormon class to teach that night.  i was crying on my husband's shoulder right before i left.  he told me i was amazing, that i could do all that i need to do, that breathing is good. :) so i drove to church, taking deep breaths and praying.

and my class was AWESOME. not because of me. but because in all the gaps of me, Heavenly Father was there. He just filled in what i couldn't do.  i didn't have a lot of time to prepare, but i did pray about it. so when i did try to prepare, i knew what i should do.  when i got there, the words were just there.

it was awesome.


the day just got progressively better.  so today, when maggie already fought her first nap, sort of felt like it was going to be wednesday 2.0.  but, you know, this time i know that all i can do is all i can do.

so i cried a little in that rocking chair. sometimes it helps. it diffuses the tension and my frustration. sometimes i just need to hit the release valve. and i prayed.  and maggie fell asleep.  and she's still asleep.  she'll be up in approximately 8 minutes, but...that's okay.

i'm not sure i know what i'm trying to say, except something cliched like after every storm there is a rainbow or the sun always breaks through the clouds or some such idiotic nonsense that stops meaning anything after a while.  i guess maybe i'm trying to say that, even when you feel like you're slogging up a muddy mountainside in bare feet with a 150 pound leaking backpack on your back, you're really just carrying a 20 pound bowling ball and being lifted up the mountain by the mercy of God.

it's all about perspective, i guess. 

so, yeah, stuff is hard sometimes.  that's life.  but it's also awesome.  that's also life.

so p.diddy is right. and you'll never hear me say that again.