i just don't know.

today, i went to body combat. i love body combat so much. i know i've said that before, but i really forgot how much i love it.

i don't love it because it is hard, although that's part of it. i don't love it because it's got kicks and punches and muay thai cage fighting moves.

i love it because there are moments that are so raw that i realize what i really want and how much.

there are 8 standing tracks. when you get to track 8, you're pretty much dead.  your arms are heavy, your lungs are heaving, and there's not much standing between you and total exhaustion except endorphins. of course, track 8 is hard and fast. it's easy repetition, because you're too tired to do complicated choreography, but it's a burn-it-out track.

you leave it in the ring, so to speak.

today, i didn't want to go. i almost didn't. i wasn't feeling great and i was exhausted. but i did it anyways. i went.

and in track 8, i nearly sobbed because i left it all there.  when we come to the last part, the last round, my favorite teacher cues us and tells us to give it everything we've got.  and today, it just struck me HOW MUCH I WANT MY BODY BACK.

how much it bothers me that it's fatter than it was.

how much it bothers me that i can't manage to get back into a rhythm that lets me eat better and stop eating so much sugar and stop eating pizza for dinner (did that tonight, btw). 

i don't know how to do it anymore. not with everything going on.  the reality of our lives is that convenience food is almost a necessity. sure, i'd love to be able to cook every night, but sometimes it's try to cook and be frustrated with the baby for being clingy or don't try to cook and have fun with her instead.

that's not really a choice, in my mind.

there's the choice of doing my work or spending saturdays making freezer meals. i just...i just don't have time. i really don't.

i try to be wise about what we buy. not keeping crap in the house really does help.  i set myself back BIG TIME because i didn't immediately throw away the cookie dough my mother-in-law left in our fridge. instead, i spent three days eating it like it was a condiment.

ANYWAY.

i've been, over the past few weeks, making more of a commitment to my body. i guess i know it's going to be really hard. i guess i know i'm going to have to burn it out, in lots of ways, to get back to where i was, and maybe even (if a girl can dream) get farther back to where i was right when we first got married.  maybe i won't get there completely. maybe i'll have to resign myself to the fact that i'll be a larger size. 

i don't think so though. i don't think permanently.

i just have to figure out how to do it all. it's just really hard.  straight up. it's hard.  so many things have to happen to make it work.

i really want to make it work.

in the meantime, i'm just going to give what i have when i have it. if i'm on the floor of body combat, i'm not phoning it in. if i'm on the treadmill at 9pm on a tuesday night, after having been up since 6 with the baby, then working all day, and then teaching, and then heading to the gym, i'll run for one more chorus of one more song.

i'll give what i have. i just hope Heavenly Father will somehow make up the difference, even in the physical elements.

i think it's the only way this is going to happen.