i was going to write a post congratulating myself on meeting a fitness goal.
then i read this.
i read this blogger everyday, and even though i've never met her and i probably never will, i feel connected to her and her life. that's the power of blogs. and because i am a praying person and a believer in the power of mighty prayer to make miracles happen, i am passing this on. i will be keeping him in my thoughts and prayers. feel free to post it on yours, and do the same, if you feel so inclined.
***
My name is brandy. And I have a blog.
And a plea.
I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.
He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.
The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.
As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.
I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, Google it. You. Are. Welcome).
I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.
I did.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
i know, i know.
i left a poignant ending to my last text-filled post, which really would have been a good way to leave things. but cue the day before the day before Christmas, when i am responsible for tying up loose ends and getting things done while musicboy works excessively long days so that we can flit out of collegetown for a blissful 9.75 days or something like that, none of which will involve school and all of which involve copious amounts of carbs and yummy food and sparkling lights and grand adventures spent in the warm embrace of family i haven't seen since i was decked out in white and the star of the show.
there's really still so much to do, though, that i'm having trouble downshifting my brain from course prep for next semester (i had hoped to have all of my online course completely planned, including quizzes written and uploaded and discussion questions posted and paper assignments constructed, but it's not all done. it's done for a month, but not all done.) to the wonder of the season.
i feel like santa must in the final days before his big journey--checking things off of a list as long as my arm and trying to make sure that nothing is forgotten in the melee of travel preparations and shopping and wrapping and cleaning.
i want to get really excited.
i want to be seriously pumped at anything remotely related to Christmas.
i want to get misty at zuzu's petals and tickled at the sight of tinsel.
i want to sit, contented, near my family and think of what's important.
i don't want to be worried about how much i have left to do, how much i have to do when i get back, how to make everyone happy, and what kind of impression i'm making. i don't want to worry about dishes in the sink and cleaning out the fridge and having enough room in the car and in the suitcase.
i think i'm getting there, but right now it reminds me of the end of the semester. after i was done, or when i was close to being done, all i could think of was all of the things that i had to worry about. it took me a couple of days to really chill and enjoy the fact that i had time to do other things.
i'm sure it will be the same this week. tomorrow, when we open our stockings before we leave our little house, it will usher in Christmas. i'm sure that i will have things left to do. i'm sure that i will get hot and sweaty and probably a little frustrated trying to get everything into the car and situated. i'm sure that there will still be things to do.
but i'm also sure that this, the first Christmas that musicboy and i have EVER spent together, will be a good week. i am sure that the wonder and magic and awesome will descend upon me, probably as we drive out of collegetown. Christmas day marks one year with musicboy--it was the best Christmas present that i've ever gotten.
but Christmas isn't about presents. it's about the presence of people that you love and making them happy. i'm very much looking forward to making memories that make Christmas amazing.
let's get it started.
there's really still so much to do, though, that i'm having trouble downshifting my brain from course prep for next semester (i had hoped to have all of my online course completely planned, including quizzes written and uploaded and discussion questions posted and paper assignments constructed, but it's not all done. it's done for a month, but not all done.) to the wonder of the season.
i feel like santa must in the final days before his big journey--checking things off of a list as long as my arm and trying to make sure that nothing is forgotten in the melee of travel preparations and shopping and wrapping and cleaning.
i want to get really excited.
i want to be seriously pumped at anything remotely related to Christmas.
i want to get misty at zuzu's petals and tickled at the sight of tinsel.
i want to sit, contented, near my family and think of what's important.
i don't want to be worried about how much i have left to do, how much i have to do when i get back, how to make everyone happy, and what kind of impression i'm making. i don't want to worry about dishes in the sink and cleaning out the fridge and having enough room in the car and in the suitcase.
i think i'm getting there, but right now it reminds me of the end of the semester. after i was done, or when i was close to being done, all i could think of was all of the things that i had to worry about. it took me a couple of days to really chill and enjoy the fact that i had time to do other things.
i'm sure it will be the same this week. tomorrow, when we open our stockings before we leave our little house, it will usher in Christmas. i'm sure that i will have things left to do. i'm sure that i will get hot and sweaty and probably a little frustrated trying to get everything into the car and situated. i'm sure that there will still be things to do.
but i'm also sure that this, the first Christmas that musicboy and i have EVER spent together, will be a good week. i am sure that the wonder and magic and awesome will descend upon me, probably as we drive out of collegetown. Christmas day marks one year with musicboy--it was the best Christmas present that i've ever gotten.
but Christmas isn't about presents. it's about the presence of people that you love and making them happy. i'm very much looking forward to making memories that make Christmas amazing.
let's get it started.
Monday, December 21, 2009
i'm more than a week early, suckas.
so i really really hate new year's resolutions.
i know that i will hate new year's resolutioners who take my treadmill at the gym from early january to mid february (we all know that few of us last for more than six weeks). but mainly i hate new year's resolutions because any time i did it, it seemed artificial and desperate and not likely to last. i get it, i get it. it's a new year, you want to turn over a new leaf, blah blah blah.
you can turn over a new leaf any time. that's what repentance and change and goals are all about.
that's why i hate new year's resolutions. because we can do them any day at any time.
so i might hate it a little that my new goals suspiciously coincide with the beginning of a new year. but really, i've only now had time to breathe, plan, and make some goals. and there is something captivating about a brand new year.
musicboy and i have been making some plans, and those plans coincide with and have lead to my six month goals. or perhaps i will call them my 180 day goals. i don't know.
but because goals are never real unless you write them down and are accountable for them, i'm going to write them down and change my sidebar to track them. you may not care. you may not want to follow them. but it will help me if i can be accountable.
so here we go.
in the next six months, i will:
so there you go. my six month goals.
in other news, i have piles of laundry to do and i will i will i will go back to the gym today. musicboy and i went early this morning and did strength, but i didn't get enough of a calorie burn. i'm trying to do twoadays this week because i don't think i'll be working out much at all next week. i don't think i've ever had this many presents to wrap (two families! for the first time!) and i have to get new tires for the car and get the brakes fixed and the oil changed etc before we head off for christmas travel to far north of collegetown. i really hate and procrastinate getting my car worked on. it's not because i'm afraid of the cost--i know it's going to be insane--but i just hate it. i don't know why. it's stupid. inconvenient too. blah.
that's a deeply uninteresting update for you, but there you go.
what are you up to?
oh, and in case i don't post again before the big day, merry christmas everyone. may your days be full of love and warmth and lots of yummy food. may we all remember how much we have to be grateful for, most especially because of the Son that we celebrate on this day.
His gift is the best gift of all.
i know that i will hate new year's resolutioners who take my treadmill at the gym from early january to mid february (we all know that few of us last for more than six weeks). but mainly i hate new year's resolutions because any time i did it, it seemed artificial and desperate and not likely to last. i get it, i get it. it's a new year, you want to turn over a new leaf, blah blah blah.
you can turn over a new leaf any time. that's what repentance and change and goals are all about.
that's why i hate new year's resolutions. because we can do them any day at any time.
so i might hate it a little that my new goals suspiciously coincide with the beginning of a new year. but really, i've only now had time to breathe, plan, and make some goals. and there is something captivating about a brand new year.
musicboy and i have been making some plans, and those plans coincide with and have lead to my six month goals. or perhaps i will call them my 180 day goals. i don't know.
but because goals are never real unless you write them down and are accountable for them, i'm going to write them down and change my sidebar to track them. you may not care. you may not want to follow them. but it will help me if i can be accountable.
so here we go.
in the next six months, i will:
- do all i can to lose 20 pounds. while i recognize that, with my new gym regimen of strength + cardio, i may very well gain weight while shrinking in size initially because muscle weighs more than fat, i very much want to reach a particular number by may or june. i am also completely aware that after losing 100+ pounds, my body may not be as happy to be at the number i'd like to be at, but i know that i can at least lose 15 pounds, so what's another 5?
- work hard to build up our savings. that means being smarter about money and vigilant about moving money when we have any extra. that means i need to start shopping the megasales at grocery stores and making cheaper meals (or making meals last...which actually i'm pretty good at actually).
- finish my dissertation. this will be promptly followed by a dissertation defense and then walking and getting hooded (which sounds vaguely ominous, but that's okay.).
- pray every morning and evening as a family and individually. i haven't been doing as well with this, but i need to do it. it's the thing that makes my days better. it will be the only way that i will be able to accomplish any of the above.
so there you go. my six month goals.
in other news, i have piles of laundry to do and i will i will i will go back to the gym today. musicboy and i went early this morning and did strength, but i didn't get enough of a calorie burn. i'm trying to do twoadays this week because i don't think i'll be working out much at all next week. i don't think i've ever had this many presents to wrap (two families! for the first time!) and i have to get new tires for the car and get the brakes fixed and the oil changed etc before we head off for christmas travel to far north of collegetown. i really hate and procrastinate getting my car worked on. it's not because i'm afraid of the cost--i know it's going to be insane--but i just hate it. i don't know why. it's stupid. inconvenient too. blah.
that's a deeply uninteresting update for you, but there you go.
what are you up to?
oh, and in case i don't post again before the big day, merry christmas everyone. may your days be full of love and warmth and lots of yummy food. may we all remember how much we have to be grateful for, most especially because of the Son that we celebrate on this day.
His gift is the best gift of all.
Friday, December 18, 2009
sometimes, i surprise even myself.
not that i think that i really surprise anyone else, because i don't think i'm as altogether mysterious as i would like to be.
wednesday. let's go back to wednesday, shall we, because it was one surprising day.
it was final exam day at collegetown u for this teachergirl. a 10 o'clock exam is not too bad, but it becomes more complicated when you have to pick up a volunteer exam proctor that you've never met, then truck across a rather large campus in time to be there half an hour early.
it also becomes more complicated when you don't realize how long that is going to take.
and when you forget your wallet at home.
as i approached the big campus, i realized that where i normally park for free, about a 5 to 7 minute walk from my normal office and classroom building, would be entirely too far away for this particular occasion. no problem, i thought, i'll just park in the big pay lot right across the street from the exam. it won't be too expensive, and the annoyance elimination factor alone will more than make up for said expense. so i drove around the barriers on campus that they set up during business hours to quickly pick up my proctor and then was about to head over to the pay lot when i realized that i had left my wallet at home.
no wallet, no pay lot. even though it is one of those lots where you just swipe your card to pay and so i probably could have parked there anyway and risked it, that felt deeply wrong, so i decided to risk it in the decal parking lot.
the one for which i DO NOT have a decal. it was finals and i thought there was chance, albeit a small one, that i could get away with it without a ticket.
didn't happen. got a ticket.
i was prepared for that, and it was not that big of a deal. it would have been a shining beacon of awesome if i had not, but i knew the chance i was taking, so it was fine.
i went around the barrier again to drop off the proctor at the building where she'd left her bike. and got pulled over by a bike cop.
yeah, i'm not kidding.
remember how i didn't have my license? or insurance information?
yeah. luckily, said bike cop only gave me a ticket for driving in a restricted area.
yay. two tickets in two hours. whoopee! that has to be some sort of record.
after this string of awesome luck, i decided that, even though i was going to go to the big discount store to finish some stocking stuffer christmas shopping, i was going home and staying there until my luck changed.
musicboy came home from work shortly after i arrived (i had soothed my soul with online crossword puzzles until then) and then we graded finals and blah blah blah.
we watched a movie and i took a nap and then just as i woke up we heard a giant crash.
(i'm not kidding. i couldn't make this stuff up.)
our christmas tree fell over. apparently the truck got soft or something so the screws didn't hold it in as well as it should. in the process, several ornaments, including the BRAND NEW as in we just got it in the mail that day wedding ornament we got from musicboy's mom, broke. we think we can fix it with superglue, but still.
as pine needles covered pretty much every inch of our living room and musicboy tried to get the tree back together again (or at least figure out what the heck happened), i decided to make dinner. pancakes. it was easy.
they burned.
at that point, we gave up and went out to eat and went to the big discount store to finish shopping.
but what amazed me, truly, was how i reacted to everything that day. i'll admit to being upset when the pancakes burned, but other than that, i sort of laughed it off.
two tickets? it's just money. it's not anything that's going to go on my record, and i was trying to do the right thing. oh well.
christmas tree? we fixed it. we'll fix the ornaments. it will be okay, and even if they're a little wonky, it will be a good story for the kids and grandkids someday.
pancakes? meh. it's just food.
sometimes when i stress really bad about things over which i have no control, and when i live in fear of complaining student emails, i feel like i'm not very brave at all. i had even said that that day--that i wasn't very brave. musicboy said i was just taking a brave break this semester, because i'd had to be so brave for months before with wedding and meeting in-laws and getting everyone to like me and keeping everybody happy and standing up for what we wanted and getting ready to start a brand new life.
he makes a valid point.
but then days like wednesday come along, and i realize that i'm probably a lot more level-headed, centered, and brave than i think i am. it's in moments like those, when the world seems to be imploding around you in the insignificant but nonetheless incredibly aggravating and demoralizing ways, that you really see what you're made of. will you grow frustrated? will you take it out on yourself, on those around you, on Heavenly Father? will the blame game be your default approach?
for me, the answer is no. for me, the answer came in an incredibly comforting dose of perspective. it wasn't like i asked for it. i probably should have prayed more that day, but i sort of felt like it was okay anyway. all was well. i was healthy (though i did choose NOT to go to the gym that day because oh my gosh i would probably break my leg). the people i love were healthy and happy. things are just things and they're replaceable. all of the important things were accounted for.
all is well.
i like those moments. i really do.
i'm truly glad, though, that wednesday is over. comedies of errors can only go on so long, you know?
wednesday. let's go back to wednesday, shall we, because it was one surprising day.
it was final exam day at collegetown u for this teachergirl. a 10 o'clock exam is not too bad, but it becomes more complicated when you have to pick up a volunteer exam proctor that you've never met, then truck across a rather large campus in time to be there half an hour early.
it also becomes more complicated when you don't realize how long that is going to take.
and when you forget your wallet at home.
as i approached the big campus, i realized that where i normally park for free, about a 5 to 7 minute walk from my normal office and classroom building, would be entirely too far away for this particular occasion. no problem, i thought, i'll just park in the big pay lot right across the street from the exam. it won't be too expensive, and the annoyance elimination factor alone will more than make up for said expense. so i drove around the barriers on campus that they set up during business hours to quickly pick up my proctor and then was about to head over to the pay lot when i realized that i had left my wallet at home.
no wallet, no pay lot. even though it is one of those lots where you just swipe your card to pay and so i probably could have parked there anyway and risked it, that felt deeply wrong, so i decided to risk it in the decal parking lot.
the one for which i DO NOT have a decal. it was finals and i thought there was chance, albeit a small one, that i could get away with it without a ticket.
didn't happen. got a ticket.
i was prepared for that, and it was not that big of a deal. it would have been a shining beacon of awesome if i had not, but i knew the chance i was taking, so it was fine.
i went around the barrier again to drop off the proctor at the building where she'd left her bike. and got pulled over by a bike cop.
yeah, i'm not kidding.
remember how i didn't have my license? or insurance information?
yeah. luckily, said bike cop only gave me a ticket for driving in a restricted area.
yay. two tickets in two hours. whoopee! that has to be some sort of record.
after this string of awesome luck, i decided that, even though i was going to go to the big discount store to finish some stocking stuffer christmas shopping, i was going home and staying there until my luck changed.
musicboy came home from work shortly after i arrived (i had soothed my soul with online crossword puzzles until then) and then we graded finals and blah blah blah.
we watched a movie and i took a nap and then just as i woke up we heard a giant crash.
(i'm not kidding. i couldn't make this stuff up.)
our christmas tree fell over. apparently the truck got soft or something so the screws didn't hold it in as well as it should. in the process, several ornaments, including the BRAND NEW as in we just got it in the mail that day wedding ornament we got from musicboy's mom, broke. we think we can fix it with superglue, but still.
as pine needles covered pretty much every inch of our living room and musicboy tried to get the tree back together again (or at least figure out what the heck happened), i decided to make dinner. pancakes. it was easy.
they burned.
at that point, we gave up and went out to eat and went to the big discount store to finish shopping.
but what amazed me, truly, was how i reacted to everything that day. i'll admit to being upset when the pancakes burned, but other than that, i sort of laughed it off.
two tickets? it's just money. it's not anything that's going to go on my record, and i was trying to do the right thing. oh well.
christmas tree? we fixed it. we'll fix the ornaments. it will be okay, and even if they're a little wonky, it will be a good story for the kids and grandkids someday.
pancakes? meh. it's just food.
sometimes when i stress really bad about things over which i have no control, and when i live in fear of complaining student emails, i feel like i'm not very brave at all. i had even said that that day--that i wasn't very brave. musicboy said i was just taking a brave break this semester, because i'd had to be so brave for months before with wedding and meeting in-laws and getting everyone to like me and keeping everybody happy and standing up for what we wanted and getting ready to start a brand new life.
he makes a valid point.
but then days like wednesday come along, and i realize that i'm probably a lot more level-headed, centered, and brave than i think i am. it's in moments like those, when the world seems to be imploding around you in the insignificant but nonetheless incredibly aggravating and demoralizing ways, that you really see what you're made of. will you grow frustrated? will you take it out on yourself, on those around you, on Heavenly Father? will the blame game be your default approach?
for me, the answer is no. for me, the answer came in an incredibly comforting dose of perspective. it wasn't like i asked for it. i probably should have prayed more that day, but i sort of felt like it was okay anyway. all was well. i was healthy (though i did choose NOT to go to the gym that day because oh my gosh i would probably break my leg). the people i love were healthy and happy. things are just things and they're replaceable. all of the important things were accounted for.
all is well.
i like those moments. i really do.
i'm truly glad, though, that wednesday is over. comedies of errors can only go on so long, you know?
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
sometimes i speak too soon.
more email called me rude, sent me incorrectly formatted papers, and told me that i had to submit a grade change form because i misunderstood the directions.
just when i thought it was over, it wasn't.
so i cried a little. then i got over it.
i think.
just when i thought it was over, it wasn't.
so i cried a little. then i got over it.
i think.
snippets from the email.
"i was out of town for two weeks and forgot to turn my paper in. can i turn it in now?"
(a week and some after it was due)
"what were x and y assignments?" i respond. "oh will you let me make up y assignment or not?"
(this like four hours before grades are due, and after i've already turned in my grades.)
mama says that the lesson to learn here is that i should invest in the students that are investing in the class and not invest so much worry in the students that don't seem to care. these are very wise words. i am going to try to incorporate them.
i started by problem solving my way out of some grading issues (corrupted files, files sent in the wrong format even though i've told them 158 times not to, etc.). then i went christmas shopping with my husband and saw invictus and ate chick-fil-a. it was awesome fun and i started to feel, ever-so-slowly, the weight of the last few months slipping off of me.
i'm so glad.
(a week and some after it was due)
"what were x and y assignments?" i respond. "oh will you let me make up y assignment or not?"
(this like four hours before grades are due, and after i've already turned in my grades.)
mama says that the lesson to learn here is that i should invest in the students that are investing in the class and not invest so much worry in the students that don't seem to care. these are very wise words. i am going to try to incorporate them.
i started by problem solving my way out of some grading issues (corrupted files, files sent in the wrong format even though i've told them 158 times not to, etc.). then i went christmas shopping with my husband and saw invictus and ate chick-fil-a. it was awesome fun and i started to feel, ever-so-slowly, the weight of the last few months slipping off of me.
i'm so glad.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
mourning fury.
i'm currently slogging through about 70+ research papers. the end of the semesters, gosh i love them.
i have mentioned that i am teaching at two places: rural community college and big collegetown u. i have mentioned that the adjustment to these VERY.DIFFERENT populations has been stark, humbling, and somewhat frustrating. by about halfway through the semester, i felt like i had really gotten the message.
i changed my approach, lowered my expectations from my big collegetown u set, and taught much more step-by-step. i focused on answering questions, on workshopping papers piece by piece, and by trying to give students the tools that they needed while also challenging them to rise to higher standards than they were perhaps used to.
i felt like i was being successful. i knew there were students who weren't turning in papers, but because my classes are (will never be again, but are currently) weighted average classes (i.e. the third paper in the class is worth 20% of your grade, while the first is only worth 10%), i never really know the ramifications of student apathy until these weeks when i am calculating.
i find myself now vacillating between two very different feelings: pure and complete mourning sadness and unadulterated fury.
i am giving more failing grades this semester at rural cc than i have EVER given, probably in combination, in the entirety of my teaching career. some of these are for the people who have fallen off the planet and never withdrew from the class, despite the fact that emailed ad nauseum and let them know that they should. for those, i do not mourn. i think it a preposterous waste of resources, time, and intellect to register for a class and then never show up for it. it is antithetical to my very nature, thus it is prohibitively difficult for me to understand how someone could not feel any responsibility for it. one student let me know that he could not withdraw without losing his funding, and that he'd rather take the f. i can understand that. but joe student who told me in the third week of class that he was going to withdraw and just never did? lazy. unnecessary. annoying.
but what about the students who have come to class? who have showed up most every morning at 830 but just didn't turn in work?
those are the ones who fill me with this contradictory blend of sadness and fury. i just read a paper that i generously gave a 68. i am trying to be kind at the end of the semester, but i also absolutely refuse to give you an 80 if you have no argumentative structure, have obviously lifted source material (although, for time's sake, i refuse to google the heck out of these papers and just nail them on the fact that they aren't citing what is obviously not common knowledge), and don't really make an argument. but even if i HAD given this student an 80 on this paper, that student would barely have made a D.
a D. in a class that this student could easily have gotten a C in if this student HAD TURNED WORK IN consistently.
it's just so horrifying to me. i was talking to musicboy about this last night, as i began to feel the weight of all of this grading descend upon me. it happens every semester. i'm not sure why i should feel like this semester would be any different.
but this semester is different because everything feels new and very, very amplified. working at the rural cc is an awesome gig in so many ways. i love that the population is diverse. i love that i feel like these are students who really want to learn. i love that i feel like i'm making a difference, much more than i feel with, right or wrong, what feels like a very overprivileged population at big collegetown u, a population that trafficks in an attitude of entitlement.
nothing drives me nuttier than someone who walks into a class and thinks they are entitled to an a because they showed up and put in some effort. i'm sorry. that's not how life works.
but rural cc is almost the opposite. while there have been shining moments of awesome (the fact that i just gave a high B grade to a student who has been mired in the Cs and that led that student to earn a B in my class is just one example), these students just seem so apathetic.
why don't you care that you are FAILING? why don't you understand that there are consequences to your actions? do you really think that not turning in homework and classwork and then not turning in a paper worth 20% of your grade is the way to be successful? do you really believe that this is the way that life works? why are you even in school if you don't want to do the work? why are you giving up so easily? it makes me so sad.
and at the same time, i am angry. i am angry that someone would fritter away a chance that so many others fight tooth and nail to get. i am angry that someone doesn't rise to the level of capability that i know that they have. i have seen it. i watch it every day in class. i know who you are, person who is trying to fly under the radar. i know that you could do better. why don't you WANT to do better?
i am beginning to understand grade inflation. there are moments when i absolutely have to stop myself from changing grades just to stop the hemorraging of failing grades. when i gave the 68 on that paper, and then calculated the final grade and saw that it was a failing grade, i had to do some more math. i play this game with myself: "what if it was a 75? would it matter?" it didn't and since that was my upper limit, even when i'm trying to save someone, that was that.
but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less, nor does it make me any less angry. there is something so deeply, deeply demoralizing about the moment when you realize that all of your efforts have had very little effect on someone and that your course's grade may be the reason for bad things happening to them.
i almost wrote that i would be the reason that bad things would happen, but i had to stop myself. i am not the reason for anything happening to them. i am merely the reflection of their performance. but while that may be the eternal truth at the heart of this lesson i am learning about agency and choice, the reality is that i will likely be blamed. there will likely be a slew of emails over my break from students panicked about their grades. and i will have to, in the measured tones that i am learning to employ, explain how when you don't turn in 25% of your work, and you don't perform well on other things, the math just adds up to the opposite of success.
i think teaching requires a thicker skin than i currently have. i don't ever want to have a callous heart, but maybe i'd like for it to someday be a bit easier.
i have mentioned that i am teaching at two places: rural community college and big collegetown u. i have mentioned that the adjustment to these VERY.DIFFERENT populations has been stark, humbling, and somewhat frustrating. by about halfway through the semester, i felt like i had really gotten the message.
i changed my approach, lowered my expectations from my big collegetown u set, and taught much more step-by-step. i focused on answering questions, on workshopping papers piece by piece, and by trying to give students the tools that they needed while also challenging them to rise to higher standards than they were perhaps used to.
i felt like i was being successful. i knew there were students who weren't turning in papers, but because my classes are (will never be again, but are currently) weighted average classes (i.e. the third paper in the class is worth 20% of your grade, while the first is only worth 10%), i never really know the ramifications of student apathy until these weeks when i am calculating.
i find myself now vacillating between two very different feelings: pure and complete mourning sadness and unadulterated fury.
i am giving more failing grades this semester at rural cc than i have EVER given, probably in combination, in the entirety of my teaching career. some of these are for the people who have fallen off the planet and never withdrew from the class, despite the fact that emailed ad nauseum and let them know that they should. for those, i do not mourn. i think it a preposterous waste of resources, time, and intellect to register for a class and then never show up for it. it is antithetical to my very nature, thus it is prohibitively difficult for me to understand how someone could not feel any responsibility for it. one student let me know that he could not withdraw without losing his funding, and that he'd rather take the f. i can understand that. but joe student who told me in the third week of class that he was going to withdraw and just never did? lazy. unnecessary. annoying.
but what about the students who have come to class? who have showed up most every morning at 830 but just didn't turn in work?
those are the ones who fill me with this contradictory blend of sadness and fury. i just read a paper that i generously gave a 68. i am trying to be kind at the end of the semester, but i also absolutely refuse to give you an 80 if you have no argumentative structure, have obviously lifted source material (although, for time's sake, i refuse to google the heck out of these papers and just nail them on the fact that they aren't citing what is obviously not common knowledge), and don't really make an argument. but even if i HAD given this student an 80 on this paper, that student would barely have made a D.
a D. in a class that this student could easily have gotten a C in if this student HAD TURNED WORK IN consistently.
it's just so horrifying to me. i was talking to musicboy about this last night, as i began to feel the weight of all of this grading descend upon me. it happens every semester. i'm not sure why i should feel like this semester would be any different.
but this semester is different because everything feels new and very, very amplified. working at the rural cc is an awesome gig in so many ways. i love that the population is diverse. i love that i feel like these are students who really want to learn. i love that i feel like i'm making a difference, much more than i feel with, right or wrong, what feels like a very overprivileged population at big collegetown u, a population that trafficks in an attitude of entitlement.
nothing drives me nuttier than someone who walks into a class and thinks they are entitled to an a because they showed up and put in some effort. i'm sorry. that's not how life works.
but rural cc is almost the opposite. while there have been shining moments of awesome (the fact that i just gave a high B grade to a student who has been mired in the Cs and that led that student to earn a B in my class is just one example), these students just seem so apathetic.
why don't you care that you are FAILING? why don't you understand that there are consequences to your actions? do you really think that not turning in homework and classwork and then not turning in a paper worth 20% of your grade is the way to be successful? do you really believe that this is the way that life works? why are you even in school if you don't want to do the work? why are you giving up so easily? it makes me so sad.
and at the same time, i am angry. i am angry that someone would fritter away a chance that so many others fight tooth and nail to get. i am angry that someone doesn't rise to the level of capability that i know that they have. i have seen it. i watch it every day in class. i know who you are, person who is trying to fly under the radar. i know that you could do better. why don't you WANT to do better?
i am beginning to understand grade inflation. there are moments when i absolutely have to stop myself from changing grades just to stop the hemorraging of failing grades. when i gave the 68 on that paper, and then calculated the final grade and saw that it was a failing grade, i had to do some more math. i play this game with myself: "what if it was a 75? would it matter?" it didn't and since that was my upper limit, even when i'm trying to save someone, that was that.
but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less, nor does it make me any less angry. there is something so deeply, deeply demoralizing about the moment when you realize that all of your efforts have had very little effect on someone and that your course's grade may be the reason for bad things happening to them.
i almost wrote that i would be the reason that bad things would happen, but i had to stop myself. i am not the reason for anything happening to them. i am merely the reflection of their performance. but while that may be the eternal truth at the heart of this lesson i am learning about agency and choice, the reality is that i will likely be blamed. there will likely be a slew of emails over my break from students panicked about their grades. and i will have to, in the measured tones that i am learning to employ, explain how when you don't turn in 25% of your work, and you don't perform well on other things, the math just adds up to the opposite of success.
i think teaching requires a thicker skin than i currently have. i don't ever want to have a callous heart, but maybe i'd like for it to someday be a bit easier.
Friday, December 11, 2009
our goal was to go to sleep...
...but last night instead we spent an hour and a half talking about big things in life and planning.
whenever musicboy and i feel like life is trying, we reconnect through talking. talking is how we started, you know, and talking is how we remember how much we love each other. i like that so much about us.
we talked about big things and it wasn't scary. they weren't bad things, just things that could maybe be scary because they're like big life things. i love that we can talk about anything and it's okay.
and we came to the realization that we can do it.
that was cool. it was one of those times when we realized that, on paper, nothing ever looks like it will work out. but with faith, it will. that's the way our life is. on paper, we should be ridiculously poor. in reality, we are doing really well. we have good, solid financial plans for our future and we have plans to manage the financial challenges that will come when i graduate (hello student loans and health insurance). on paper, life should be really difficult because it's the FIRST YEAR and that's supposed to be really tough with the adjustment. in reality? we're fine. we've managed the first, insanely busy, wickedly stressful semester with grace. together.
all of these blessings are surely not from us, and we know it. and i continue to be amazed by how much we are blessed. today, for example, we got some amazing news about a bonus from musicboy's work. we thought bonuses had been done away with. apparently not. it comes at the perfect time, and it's an amazing blessing.
all of this to say that i love that we can face the big life things with faith. we realize that, together, we can face anything but most importantly, together with Heavenly Father, we will truly be blessed.
come what may, we'll love it.
whenever musicboy and i feel like life is trying, we reconnect through talking. talking is how we started, you know, and talking is how we remember how much we love each other. i like that so much about us.
we talked about big things and it wasn't scary. they weren't bad things, just things that could maybe be scary because they're like big life things. i love that we can talk about anything and it's okay.
and we came to the realization that we can do it.
that was cool. it was one of those times when we realized that, on paper, nothing ever looks like it will work out. but with faith, it will. that's the way our life is. on paper, we should be ridiculously poor. in reality, we are doing really well. we have good, solid financial plans for our future and we have plans to manage the financial challenges that will come when i graduate (hello student loans and health insurance). on paper, life should be really difficult because it's the FIRST YEAR and that's supposed to be really tough with the adjustment. in reality? we're fine. we've managed the first, insanely busy, wickedly stressful semester with grace. together.
all of these blessings are surely not from us, and we know it. and i continue to be amazed by how much we are blessed. today, for example, we got some amazing news about a bonus from musicboy's work. we thought bonuses had been done away with. apparently not. it comes at the perfect time, and it's an amazing blessing.
all of this to say that i love that we can face the big life things with faith. we realize that, together, we can face anything but most importantly, together with Heavenly Father, we will truly be blessed.
come what may, we'll love it.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
game on.
we joined the EXPENSIVE collegetown gym with three locations.
we went for the first time last night and i burned something like 700 calories.
today, i was INSANELY hungry (not surprising since i worked out hard last night and woke up at 5 am). tonight, i am fairly exhausted but will go tonight with musicboy. we will do the weightlifting. i will do the cardio first, then the lifting, then the cardio. it will be either like walking/jogging through mud or exhilirating fun.
i haven't really changed the way i've eaten. maybe some more vegetables. we're eating at home more, which is VERY VERY good, even though when i am tired and don't want to cook i am all WAH chinese. luckily musicboy is much stronger than i am once i say we should stop spending money like crazies. also the megahefty monthly total for the gym might contribute to that.
i feel quite good about the whole process. i had three goals today: go to the gym, do the laundry, and grade. two out of three ain't bad.
excuse me while i go wade through the pile of clean laundry that need to be folded.
we went for the first time last night and i burned something like 700 calories.
today, i was INSANELY hungry (not surprising since i worked out hard last night and woke up at 5 am). tonight, i am fairly exhausted but will go tonight with musicboy. we will do the weightlifting. i will do the cardio first, then the lifting, then the cardio. it will be either like walking/jogging through mud or exhilirating fun.
i haven't really changed the way i've eaten. maybe some more vegetables. we're eating at home more, which is VERY VERY good, even though when i am tired and don't want to cook i am all WAH chinese. luckily musicboy is much stronger than i am once i say we should stop spending money like crazies. also the megahefty monthly total for the gym might contribute to that.
i feel quite good about the whole process. i had three goals today: go to the gym, do the laundry, and grade. two out of three ain't bad.
excuse me while i go wade through the pile of clean laundry that need to be folded.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
as i was driving to the grocery store, i realized a major flaw.
when i see facebook friends rooting for a rival college football team, i lose respect for them.
in fact, i may even feel momentary disgust.
it's usually momentary, and countered by more rational, kind, and generous side, but i a little bit want to tear their eyes out with my bare hands.
this is a personal flaw. it only lasts through january, though, so perhaps it's something i can just live with?
in fact, i may even feel momentary disgust.
it's usually momentary, and countered by more rational, kind, and generous side, but i a little bit want to tear their eyes out with my bare hands.
this is a personal flaw. it only lasts through january, though, so perhaps it's something i can just live with?
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
existential question of the day. sometimes i do that.
will it ever feel less WHOA that i'm a married lady?
a friend (you know who you are!) is getting married in a month. i remember when musicboy first got back, when we were first dating, when she first got engaged (her engagement was a LOT longer than mine!)--and her wedding seemed so far away. now it's just around the corner, and i'm so excited for her and the amazingness that is newlywed life and i think WHOA.
i'm married.
i spent so long wanting to reach this point in my life, and now i'm here, and it feels so normal and natural and cool and i continue to be in awe of my husband's kindness toward me and how much i love just being around him, not in a googly-eyed lovestruck teenager way, but in a wow, he's such a cool guy and i really just completely LIKE him.
you know, in addition to the loving him too.
sometimes i think about it, as i realize that time keeps passing and soon it will have been six months and then it will have been a year and someday there will be more time that we've been together than we haven't been together and i love that and it floors me.
that time passes and you adapt to it and it takes really random moments to make you realize how MUCH things have changed and how different you are and how much you have changed.
i'm grateful for those moments, but i guess i wonder. will i ever FEEL different? i'm not really sure that i do. i feel like teachergirl, the same teachergirl, just...married. i'm happy, very happy, but i was happy before. i guess i thought that i would feel so much different as a married person.
does anyone know what i'm talking about?
a friend (you know who you are!) is getting married in a month. i remember when musicboy first got back, when we were first dating, when she first got engaged (her engagement was a LOT longer than mine!)--and her wedding seemed so far away. now it's just around the corner, and i'm so excited for her and the amazingness that is newlywed life and i think WHOA.
i'm married.
i spent so long wanting to reach this point in my life, and now i'm here, and it feels so normal and natural and cool and i continue to be in awe of my husband's kindness toward me and how much i love just being around him, not in a googly-eyed lovestruck teenager way, but in a wow, he's such a cool guy and i really just completely LIKE him.
you know, in addition to the loving him too.
sometimes i think about it, as i realize that time keeps passing and soon it will have been six months and then it will have been a year and someday there will be more time that we've been together than we haven't been together and i love that and it floors me.
that time passes and you adapt to it and it takes really random moments to make you realize how MUCH things have changed and how different you are and how much you have changed.
i'm grateful for those moments, but i guess i wonder. will i ever FEEL different? i'm not really sure that i do. i feel like teachergirl, the same teachergirl, just...married. i'm happy, very happy, but i was happy before. i guess i thought that i would feel so much different as a married person.
does anyone know what i'm talking about?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
there's a silver lining to every really large, ominous, vomit-inducing black cloud. or so i choose to think.
so remember how i was like "oh woe is me, i have a cold and it's SOBAD and i hate being phlegmy and my husband must really love me"?
yeah. so once upon a time, musicboy made yummy pie. and we decided (mainly, he told me, but i listened, contrary to my better judgment) that it didn't need to be refrigerated. so for whatever reason, i seemed to be the only person eating pie and i wasn't eating pie in vast amounts, so by sunday night, there was 1/4th of a pie left.
and it looked okay, but not at the same time. but i was all "lalala, it's just the sugar!" and i shoveled a big slice into my big mouth even while some part of me, probably the part of me who has read things on the internet about FOOD BORNE DISEASES and OHNOPUTFOODAWAY! and who lived with my roommate for two years, was like NOOOOO!
and i packed the rest of the pie in musicboy's lunch. for monday. still unrefrigerated.
yeah.
by 12 pm yesterday, i had the beginnings of probably the worst case of food poisoning i've ever had in my life. knowing musicboy was still at work and probably hadn't eaten the dessert we now affectionately call "the death pie" yet, i texted him and told him DON'T EAT PIE. VERY BAD PIE. WILL CAUSE YUCK.
and then i proceeded to yak my guts out in any way possible for the next 6 hours.
don't you love these little updates that i give you? i knew that you did.
but even though he was somewhat privy to the last vestiges of what must be the most horrible illness ever (at least he was within earshot), he still loved me. still got me gatorade. still went to the store and got me sprite and white bread (back in the early phases, when i thought i would be eating sometime within a 24 hour span of that moment). he is a saint. this much i know for sure.
and then he gave me a blessing, because somewhere in there i came the closest i've ever come to passing out (likely from dehydration), and felt like i needed divine intervention. and say what you will, it worked. no symptoms, or at least nothing major, since that blessing.
i totally love Heavenly Father.
just for giggles, i got on the scale last night.
six pounds down. and there's your silver lining.
you know, other than the fact that a) Heavenly Father loves me; b) my husband is an incredibly wonderful person with a great deal of compassion and c) gatorade was invented to keep me alive.
this past month has pretty much sucked physically. i'm ready for a reboot or something. good grief.
yeah. so once upon a time, musicboy made yummy pie. and we decided (mainly, he told me, but i listened, contrary to my better judgment) that it didn't need to be refrigerated. so for whatever reason, i seemed to be the only person eating pie and i wasn't eating pie in vast amounts, so by sunday night, there was 1/4th of a pie left.
and it looked okay, but not at the same time. but i was all "lalala, it's just the sugar!" and i shoveled a big slice into my big mouth even while some part of me, probably the part of me who has read things on the internet about FOOD BORNE DISEASES and OHNOPUTFOODAWAY! and who lived with my roommate for two years, was like NOOOOO!
and i packed the rest of the pie in musicboy's lunch. for monday. still unrefrigerated.
yeah.
by 12 pm yesterday, i had the beginnings of probably the worst case of food poisoning i've ever had in my life. knowing musicboy was still at work and probably hadn't eaten the dessert we now affectionately call "the death pie" yet, i texted him and told him DON'T EAT PIE. VERY BAD PIE. WILL CAUSE YUCK.
and then i proceeded to yak my guts out in any way possible for the next 6 hours.
don't you love these little updates that i give you? i knew that you did.
but even though he was somewhat privy to the last vestiges of what must be the most horrible illness ever (at least he was within earshot), he still loved me. still got me gatorade. still went to the store and got me sprite and white bread (back in the early phases, when i thought i would be eating sometime within a 24 hour span of that moment). he is a saint. this much i know for sure.
and then he gave me a blessing, because somewhere in there i came the closest i've ever come to passing out (likely from dehydration), and felt like i needed divine intervention. and say what you will, it worked. no symptoms, or at least nothing major, since that blessing.
i totally love Heavenly Father.
just for giggles, i got on the scale last night.
six pounds down. and there's your silver lining.
you know, other than the fact that a) Heavenly Father loves me; b) my husband is an incredibly wonderful person with a great deal of compassion and c) gatorade was invented to keep me alive.
this past month has pretty much sucked physically. i'm ready for a reboot or something. good grief.
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