good grief.

there's so much to say.

new baby coming. edd: september 1st (and i totally called that due date, too).

i'm exhausted and stressed.

maggie is all kinds of developing. walking. nearly talking (she has her own language that makes me laugh. i'm constantly asking her "what does that MEAN?!?").  throwing hissy fits when she doesn't get her way. incredibly cuddly.  adorable and fun.  exhausting. 

my husband is amazing. i am in awe of him. he just...is wonderful. and the most wonderful thing about him, right now to me, is that he sees me exactly the way he's always seen me. the fact that my hair is greasy or that i haven't gotten out of my pajama pants all day or that i shower at odd times when it's an option or that i spend most of my evenings in front of a computer grading things or that i am just struggling and it shows in grumpiness or tiredness or just overwhelmingness...none of this seems to phase him.  we talked a lot on sunday. i am so grateful for him and for the priesthood that he holds. he is so wise.  and he does all he can for me. i think for a long time i tried to be superwoman and do everything myself.  especially since i've been pregnant, that just has gone by the wayside. i really just can't do it all myself and some recent events have taught me that putting everyone and everything ahead of me is actually one of the worst ways to try and take care of my family.  i never really understood that until recently. now i really do.

i'm sorry the blog is so silent, but i really don't have much screen time that's not full of random 2 minute facebooking or grading.  but i'll try to keep you up to date as much as i can. 

someday, i have faith that i will get it all together.  i'm not sure when that will be, but...it will be a someday. and that someday will be a good day.

in the meantime, i'm trying to make all the days inbetween good ones too. i have variable success.

today, however, was a hard but ultimately good day.  that's a good feeling, when you can fight through the bottle refusals and the hissy fits, cry some tears of frustration and think that Heavenly Father must REALLY THINK YOU'RE REALLY VERY CAPABLE OF LOTS OF THINGS, get things done and look forward to the next day's challenges. 

that's, i think, the definition of any mother's good day.

(don't ask me about the toys strewn all over the living room or the dishes in the sink or the laundry piled up in the corners of rooms. i have no comment about those. someday.)

steadfast and immovable.

[if you subscribe to my old defunct but now being resuscitated health/fitness blog, you know this got posted somewhere else. all i can blame is sleep deprivation. oyvey.]

so maggie continues to dally in the dark land of 9 month sleep regression/separation anxiety/co-sleeping and her mom continues to pray earnestly to figure out what the heck is going on with her.

at first, her nights went to heck in a handbasket but her naps were amazing. they had finally lengthened, we were down to 2, and her total was about 2 hours for both (so one was usually 1.25 hours and the other was 45 minutes). she'd wake up happy and chattery.  she was doing fine.

now we're back to supercrappy naps, many of which this week have been less than 45 minutes. she wakes up REALLY annoyed. if i let her, she will fall back to sleep in my arms. yesterday, she slept another hour plus. something is obviously stopping her from sleeping. do i know what it is? no. but the sharp protrusion in her back left top gum makes me think maybe it's a molar.

(really? REALLY?)

REGARDLESS.

(because while i would like The Answer to all of her sleep issues, i really understand that i am never going to find it.)

i have been praying.

in the midst of this, maggie got her first cold.  this is part of the reason why i entirely missed her 9 monthday on this blog and in real life.  sad, but true. so one night, a week or so ago, she was just not having anything to do with her bed. she was uncomfortable, congested, and just one big unhappy camper.  i was laying in bed with her, trying to find a position in which she'd stay comfortable and not screechy, and i was praying. i was praying hard. i was asking what we should do. i was asking if what we were doing was right. i was asking for help. i routinely beg for her to sleep, but these were different types of pleas.

i was at my wits end, to be honest, not knowing what else i could do and feeling like maybe we were entirely screwing her up (anxiety about sleep and sleep habits = this generation's freak out soup du jour). 

now if you asked me if you could really screw a kid up by doing what is necessary to get everybody (including said child) the best and most sleep possible, i would probably say no unless it involved drugging the kid or not giving that child the opportunity to sleep (i.e. keeping the kid up too late, not doing naps, not having a routine, etc.).  but if you're just trying to deal with what life has suckerpunched you with? no.

why do i think this? because somewhere down deep, despite the stupid chaos in my brain from everything i've ever read about sleep, i know that all kids learn to sleep. some kids are better sleepers than others. some kids are prone to nightmares. some kids sleep like the dead. some kids don't sleep the long stretches that they are "supposed to" but end up being 2 grades ahead of everybody in algebra.  whatever.  kids are kids and sleeping is a biological impulse, but it's also developmental. so...every kid learns how to sleep at some point.  and my guess? they do a lot of it themselves.

i think a lot of parents do something to help it along, but every kid is different and every situation is different. so, having assessed our situation, we have figured that what we're doing is what's right for our family for right now.  that said, i still wonder. i still doubt. in fact, i would say i am fairly well plagued with doubts at some points in our journey. 

so this was one of those nights. doubts, they were all over me. 

so i prayed.

and the answer i got was to be steadfast and immovable.

so i thought i knew what that meant. i thought it meant that i should have confidence in the answers that we have been given and in the things that we have decided to do. even in the hard times, i thought that meant that i should not waver.

tonight, as i was considering a very specific question about bedtimes (i've been wavering all over the map with this, hoping that at some point i would hit some magic time that would make her sleep for more than she is in a stretch), the same answer came: steadfast and immovable.

and i think i learned something profound.

answers to prayers are all-encompassing. and we learn about the nature of them as we continue to ponder and try to understand them.

i also learned that Heavenly Father is entirely invested in our success as parents. even when he gives us just what we need, not necessarily what we want, He is investing in our success. if He gave us everything, if He took away the tough stuff, how would we learn? while i understand this sometimes, it doesn't make it easier.

but in moments like tonight, when i was rocking in the dark and praying quietly, i realize that there's really so much more going on than we can ever understand.  yes, i would like maggie to sleep through the night again. yes, i would like that to happen sooner rather than later. but i also understand that she's on her own journey. she's doing what she's doing. maybe she's getting a tooth. maybe she's going to walk tomorrow. maybe she's still recovering from a nasty cold (her mommy is!).  maybe she's just more comfortable with us than without us.

it doesn't really matter.

all that matters is that we're doing our best to stay steady for her.  that we're showing her that she's safe, loved, and that all is well.  that no matter what happens, some things are constant.

we'll get through it. and in the moments when i think we won't, i have confirmation that we are known and loved.  that helps more than i can say.

oh hi.

hey there.

christmas flew by. let me synopsize it for you.

mad flurry of grading. done before i had to be, which is rare. 
mad flurry of christmas shopping. no christmas debt, thanks to lots of gift card and some serious strategizing. pretty amazing, actually.
mad flurry of traveling. 
bad maggie sleep. 
first maggie steps.
exhausted mama.
awesome husband and grandma to help.
exciting things happening up in here.

what now, you ask? pretty much more of the same. musicboy will be around more this semester, so i'm taking on another class. this is one short of the crazytown 8 class semester of yore, but hopefully, because it's just three different classes, it won't be as nutso as that one was. oh well if it is.

so this week, i reenter the world of "oh yeah. i work for a living." i'm not angry about it. i feel like i got a good break this time, which isn't usually how i feel.  so, i've got a week to plan 7 classes from stem to stern (all of which i have already taught in the form in which i am teaching, so it's tweaking more than anything else).  i can do it.

that's how exciting it gets here in teachergirl world. i read two books and watched the end of friday night lights. hot living, let me tell you. :)

*tap tap* ahem. is this thing on?

anybody out there? anybody still reading? anybody care?

i love blogging, but my life does not love blogging. when faced with the choice to journal or to blog, i think i need to choose the journal. have i done it yet? no.

maybe i can do both. i'd like to do both. but i also like sleep, the occasional shower, talking to my husband, oh yeah and sleep, so i don't know.

blah blah blah. are you still around?

letters to my girl: month eight.

dear maggie,

what HAVEN'T you done this month?

let's see.

you cut two teeth, just in time for month-day.  those top ones took forever, but they're finally here--and a little bit before christmas, too!

you have learned to stand by yourself, though you're still pretty timid about it. every day you get braver and you stand up for longer.

you have learned how to climb up stairs. you just did it one day and never looked back. we do it a lot at night before you go to bed just to wear you out.

you have lengthened your naps (finally!) into a 2 nap schedule with one solid, decent 1.5 hour nap, in the mornings usually. mama is really happy about this one.

in the last week or so, you have learned to say "mama" and "dada" and know who you're talking about. actually, when you're talking to me, it's more like "MOM!"

you have dealt with some separation anxiety and some sleep stuff.  it's been a tired couple of months that have taught me a lot about prayer and listening to the Spirit. 

you have started eating solids three times a day. 

you are working really hard on your pincer grip--cheerios on your highchair tray now just seem to frustrate you, but with the bananas you know what to do.  it's definitely time for mom to vacuum more often.

you deeply dislike watching youtube videos of babies laughing. it scares the crap out of you, and it was the most scared i've seen you in AGES.  you were better when you were getting shots.  i get it. they sound a little like hysterical hyenas.  but wow. 

you are so much more social. over the past month, i've seen you sort of turn and start to look at the world around you.  you are interested in babies at church--when they are playing somewhere, you want to be there, even if it means you get poked in the eye. you're sort of fearless (though apt to protest) and i think that's amazing.

you really love peaches. 

i am having much more fun with you than i used to, since we can actually play.  you know what a ball is, what a box is, what a book is, and you seem to know what "go go go!" means. 

you can drink out of mommy's water bottle like it's no big deal.

you are a hoot, maggie, and i love you. i wish that you would get this sleep stuff worked out, but as i watch you every day get a little bit stronger and a little bit smarter and understand more about the world around you, i know that it must just be that brain on overload.  one day we'll get it figured out. 

in the meantime, know that you are the best kid i know.  i love your little personality. already, i see loyalty, love, an easygoing nature, a sense of humor, a playful streak, stubbornness, and a bit of a mischievous desire for exploration.  when you start walking, i'm in big trouble.

but i can't wait.

love,
mommy.

to the mamas.

an open letter to the mamas of the world:

i'm going to mention a few things here that are sure to get some google hits: 4 month sleep regression. 9 month sleep regression. my baby won't sleep in her crib. my baby wakes up more now. why won't my baby sleep?

if you got here that way, let me just say one thing: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. you feel very, very alone right now. you feel scared that something's wrong, that you're not doing the right thing by your baby. you have probably heard a lot about cry it out and self-soothing, about raising your baby to be an independent sleeper and about healthy sleep habits making a healthy child. you've probably heard something about "ferberizing" your child, as if a name could become a verb, and you don't know what to do because your suddenly good/so-so/crappy sleeper has now just taken a wicked turn for the worse. you're bleary eyed. you're confused. if you're like me, you may feel a bit claustrophobic every once in a while from the sheer weight of the need of your baby right now. 

let me repeat this and please hear me. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

you look around at the world, and you seem to see moms who have it all together. they smile about their babies, spouting little anecdotes about new skills: pulling up, bouncing, rolling over, cooing. there's talk of "mama" and "dada" and eating the heck out of a rubber giraffe.  there's solid foods talk and maybe even facebook photo albums of smiling happy babies who are covered in banana goo.

yeah. that's reality.

but nobody talks about the other reality--the reality where moms everywhere are stumbling down the hallways of america to find babies up on hands and knees or standing in cribs, crying for no apparent reason but desperate for mom to come in and save them. nobody posts pictures of mom's ratty hair and schlumpy pajamas in the morning after a night full of repeated wake-ups. nobody coos lovingly about the double-edged sword of mama attachment--that when they wake up, they want you there.

why don't they?

i think because we all thing we're doing it wrong. we all think this isn't normal. no matter how many sleep books we read or how many parents we talk to, we have been engrained with the idea that we're doing it wrong. that there's something to fix. that the way these babies are behaving is inappropriate.

i've only been doing this for a little while now, but i'm inclined to think those attitudes are wrong. 

babies are babies. they're not manipulating you. they have needs.  it may really, really suck that those needs include you being violently sucked from a REM cycle every 2 hours for two weeks while they work on a new skill, and the irony of waking up every few hours to check on them even when they DON'T cry out desperately for you isn't lost on you, but i don't think these things are wrong.

people will disagree with me. people will say that babies are meant to sleep 12 hours a night.  i would say, yes, they are.  but i am not sure that it's good--for us or for them--to expect them to do it consistently, continuously, and like a machine as little ones. 

do they need to learn to put themselves back to sleep? sure. has your baby ever slept a long stretch of time through the night? my guess is, if you're this frustrated, s/he has. 

guess what?

your baby knows how to put him or herself back to sleep. otherwise, you'd be hearing from him/ her every 45 minutes all night long.

check that one off of your mental guilt trip list and move on. that's not the problem.

the problem, if you're like me, is that THERE IS NO GOOD ANSWER.  there is no good answer and instead of supporting each other in the mayhem that can be nighttime parenting, we keep our struggles a secret and we don't talk about them at all for fear that we are seen as either bad parents or complaining parents. 

you are neither. you are human, doing the best you can in tremendously challenging circumstances.  you are not alone.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

knowing that, i hope, will help you feel like it's not you, failing your baby hugely in some way that you can't understand. it's not you.  it's the baby.  it's not that the baby's broken--it's that the baby's GROWING. mama, you're doing everything right.  you know why? because your baby is just growing like crazy and that little brain can't sit still long enough to let the body rest. too many things to see/do/explore/learn.

mama, you're growing a healthy kid.

you may not feel like it. you may feel like your kid is stuck in some sort of horrible rut wherein no act of Congress, no act of God, no act of anything can get that baby to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time (or, in my case, 2 hours at a time) in the crib.

at this point in the developmental circus, you may actually be right.

but listen.

LISTEN.

what do you think you should do?

we don't talk about this. we don't talk about the instincts. we don't talk about how we know what to do. we don't talk about how the little voice in our head always whispers quietly what we should do, bringing peace to our homes and hearts as we listen. instead, we desperately google for answers. we desperately look for peace outside, in the words of an "expert" or in the experience of another mom.

LISTEN.

you'll know what to do.

and when you don't--just do the best you can. do what seems like the best for everyone.  and pray.  pray hard. pray often. pray always.

not just for baby and sleep and all the things you desperately want (a shower more often than every 3 days, perhaps?), but for yourself. for strength. for grace. for gentleness with yourself.

if you love that baby enough to be this worried, this upset, this stressed out about sleep, you are loving and growing that baby well.  hang on.  HANG ON.

this too shall pass.

in the meantime, know that i, too, am just doing my best. i am sleeping with my baby to get her to rest. i am hugging her lots during the day and trying to pump her full of food and trying to get her to wear herself out with crawling and pushing and pulling up and doing all sorts of fun, energetic things. i'm trying to help her learn by taking her out in the world. 

i am trying.

that's all we can do, mamas. that's all we can do. 

hang on and hold tight.  pray hard and do your best. 

they'll be teenagers before you know it, and you'll never be able to wake them up.  and the irony will hit you even stronger then.  or the memory of this time will fade in favor of gummy, drooly smiles, first words, and first steps. 

hang on.  hold tight.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

grace in the quiet and in the din.

maggie is teething.  two massively huge front top teeth.

it's been tough on all of us, though i certainly can't suggest that it's been any harder on anyone else than her. except for the fact that she gets a lot more sleep than anyone else in this house, but she also doubles her height every year, so there you go. i'm not doing that anymore. that takes energy. so does learning to stand on her own and make sounds that seem like words.

the past few nights, she wakes up a few hours into her night (around the time when we're going to bed) and refuses to sleep in her crib again. she's whining and whimpering and crying in her sleep as we hold her--she's clearly in pain.  meds don't really seem to help much, so we've just stopped because it seemed like she's been getting them for too long and maybe needed a break.

so last night, though resigned to the co-sleeping deal that keeps both of us asleep for more than just an hour or so, i asked brent if he could give her a blessing.  this is a girl who likes her sleep and actually likes her crib.  her sleep has been crazy since the teeth started again and since the crawling and exponential skill development started in earnest and since who knows what all has started, but this is on a whole other level.

so he did. and as he did, he told her that the angels would come and comfort her.  when he said that, a thought came clearly to my mind: "YOU are one of those angels."

i'd been praying earlier about what to do, about whether or not letting her sleep with me was the right thing to do. i don't want to create a monster, a pattern that makes her less apt to sleep on her own.  so as i was holding her, torn and wondering what to do, praying out loud as she slept, surprisingly restfully in my arms, earlier that night, i felt totally unclear about what to do. i had this cacophony of voices in my head: "as long as you don't make it a habit, that works i guess" was one voice, along with every thing i'd read about being consistent and everything else that the experts a few of us moms have accurately dubbed "the sleep nazis" say about babies and sleep. 

in my prayer, i said i just wanted to do what was right for her. whatever it was, i would do it, even if it was hard.  there wasn't a question of "i don't want to sleep with her; i want to sleep in my own bed." quite frankly, if i knew that she would sleep well, i'd sleep standing on my head singing the star spangled banner (you know, if i could).  that wasn't part of this, though i suppose on another night it might have been.

so when i felt that impression come as brent was giving maggie a blessing, it was my answer.

it was a new perspective. i often pray for maggie to be surrounded by angels, to comfort and bless her and keep her safe.  it never once--never ONCE--occurred to me that i might be one of those angels. 

why?

well, beyond the ridiculously flawedness of me, i think it's because i'm here every day. i do things every day.  there's a lot of the mundane in our days. we do the same things. we have a pattern, a routine. sometimes we mix it up with a trip here or there or, on a nice day, a walk in the sunshine. but pretty much we play in the living room, we eat, we sing songs and take naps, we change diapers and we clean faces and the TV is on too much because mommy needs to have some distraction. 

it never occurred to me that in those moments when she needs me--really needs me--that i am the angel that i pray for. 

but a few minutes after the blessing was done, and maggie was now asleep contentedly on her daddy's chest, he whispered: "you're one of those angels, you know."

and i said i did.

and now i do.  a flawed one for sure, but one grateful for the opportunity to comfort her in any way that i can.