we left the baby for the first time with a babysitter, my mom who was down visiting for her blessing. i enjoyed myself, but found myself checking the clock (we went to a movie), worried that we might not make it home in time for baby girl to eat the second time again. turns out we did indeed miss it, as her eating was all wonky (as it sometimes is). since she's been sleeping huge chunks, she hasn't yet figured out her feeding schedule. in fact, i would submit there is not a schedule. in the morning, she seems ravenous every 2 hours. as the later afternoon comes on, she usually starts sleeping longer stretches (especially if she hasn't slept very much or very well during the morning) and eating either more or less.
(see what i'm saying? she went from a consistent 2.5-3.5 schedule to no real rhyme or reason at all, except for the fact that i think her body is cramming her calories in while she's awake.)
ANYWAYS.
when we got home, and i heard that she had eaten more times than i thought she would and that she was off the game plan that i imagined that she would be on, i was a little bit freaked out.
i realized afterward, and after i unintentionally made my mom feel bad about the whole thing (which was absolutely not my intent), that i get really caught up in the details and stress a lot about them. i have no apologies for being who i am, for worrying, for doing things the way that i do them.
but.
i think there comes a point where, if you're not careful, you miss the fact that you actually know what you're doing, that the whole "i have no idea what to do next" is really more rare than everyday reality, and that if you don't REALIZE that, you keep stressing about stuff that you really don't have to stress about.
in short, and after i apologized profusely to my mom, i was told that i need to lighten up.
and i agree.
i'm on a quest, now, to find my zen-like middle ground between being cautious and aware and being overanxious and freaked out. new experiences will certainly find me fumbling for my center, but i feel like we know her well enough to know what's normal and what's not now. she's growing and changing every day, and i don't want to miss that because i'm so worried about when the last time she ate is or how many wet diapers she's had in a day. if there's cause for worry, i'll start to worry.
but until then, i'm going to try to turn over the stuff that doesn't matter and embrace the philosophy succinctly sung here.
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in other news, i am so excited to start my 30 Day Shred challenge tomorrow. i'm pretty sure the last 10 pounds of baby weight went to my arms, and the blessing pictures work as my before portraits.
i'm ready. i'm SO ready. i have no idea how i'll get it done, and it may require getting up earlier or staying up later, but i'm ready.
i want my body back. here's hoping i have the fortitude to stick with it.
I BELIEVE IN YOU!! You're going to do an amazing job at shred and you already ARE an amazing Mother. I know how hard it can be to let go and let things be. I really had to come to terms with the fact that I was micro-managing my life (as well as that of my family's) in order to deal with my own feeling of being overwhelmed with a new situation (our move, Bobby being sick, etc.). In recognizing that fact, I've changed the way I look at the world. Others have noticed, too. Just realizing that I had to change something was the toughest battle. Once I did, things fell into place. I know that you are going to do an amazing job at ANYTHING you put your mind to...so this is just another battle to win.
ReplyDeleteYou'll get there. I promise. And anyway, you know that. :)
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