someone once told me that the fog lasts 9 weeks.
that someone was right, at least for me. this past week, i've begun to feel much more like myself. after a truly terrible saturday morning, where i broke down crying on the phone with my mom, things have seemed better.
i just seem better.
maybe it's because i'm getting something like 6-7 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. that can do wonders for your psyche. maybe it's because i've hit that wall where i realize that a) i have no idea what i'm doing sometimes and b) that's normal and c) i'm going to get frustrated and upset and that's normal too and d) she's a baby, she'll throw me for a loop most days, and as long as she's eating and sleeping and pooping, we're good.
maybe it's because i'm finally feeling more like she's not so fragile that i'll break her if she has to cry while i make her bottle or if she doesn't get her diaper changed IMMEDIATELY or if i try to soothe her in multiple ways before i feed her early.
maybe it's because i'm growing.
what i can tell you is that, for the past few weeks (week and a half?) naps have consumed my waking life. as her sleep has changed dramatically during the night (she sleeps for about 9 hours straight--i KNOW. i'm not complaining), her naps seem to have deteriorated. "they" (the writers of books of all kinds) say that she should be cycling less--i.e. eat, play, sleep--and sleeping for longer stretches less often.
to "they" i say come meet my baby.
i don't care how old she is, this child DOES NOT DO WELL unless she sleeps a portion of every three hour block between feedings. but she doesn't sleep a long time. she'll sleep maybe 45 minutes.
for the longest time, i was thinking this was BAD. FAILURE. NOTANAP.
for a minute and a half, i thought maybe she was just a catnapper. maybe she just didn't need to sleep.
ha. see above comment about BIG CRABFACED BABY if she doesn't sleep.
but i couldn't get her to sleep for longer than 30-45 minutes in her crib. this doesn't make sense to me. she sleeps like a champ in her bed at night. obviously she knows how to self-soothe herself back to sleep, since she does it ALL NIGHT LONG.
so what the dang is with the naps?
so for a while, i just decided that i would let her sleep on me, on the couch, in her swing, whatever.
but see, that didn't really work either. i thought it was a growth spurt thing. her eating has settled down (she shocks me sometimes with how much she'll eat in a sitting, but she's eating just a smidge more than she was before, and she's bigger, so i think she's right on target--she just has to tank it up in shorter amounts of time because she sleeps like she does) but her sleeping hasn't changed (other than, you know, the dramatic change in her nighttime sleep).
they still suck. but i decided that, if they're going to suck, they might as well suck with her in her crib. so i think i'm just going to keep at it--keep putting her in her crib, keep watching her cues, keep trying to get her to get the sleep that she needs. i can see it starting to change, but this netherregion is yuck.
(right now, though? she's been out for more than an hour and a half. she's slept past her three hour window for feeding (we don't wake sleeping babies around these parts anymore, and she ate early anyways). and she's in her crib. this came after not really sleeping much at all and getting so overtired that she yelled for a few minutes until i could get her down (that's my bad. i should have listened to her sleepy cues better.).)
this kid is sure to make me insane.
and, of course, rather than thinking that this is ALL KINDS OF AWESOME, i am worried that she is a) dead or b) sick.
i am such the mommy work in progress.
(and, btw, i found out that 45 DOES equal a nap, so i'm done thinking that we're failing. more important is how she acts and if she's happy and cheerful by the end of the day. she's obviously better at that when she gets substantial bunches of sleep. we'll see how it goes. also, it turns out this is FAR more normal than i thought, especially with babies who sleep through the night earlier. or so says google. and, as we know, google is king.)