33.5 weeks.

this pregnancy is hitting my body image HARD.

numbers on the scale are frightening.  i am reaching the "i don't care" stage--case in point, i had pop tarts twice in 24 hours for the first time in like...ever. my party line is that there is no excuse for pop tarts.

unless you're 9 months pregnant, that is. 

and cookie dough.  i haven't gone overboard with that, which is pride-inducing, but i'm just so tired of caring when it doesn't matter. even when i'm eating well, i'm still gaining weight at a predictable, relatively normal rate.  but when you already hoped to not gain much, it's sort of depressing.

i desperately want to be able to not be frustrated with my toddler, to not be tired at 6pm and then wired at 11pm, to be able to finish all of these projects that i have, but work and my big belly seem to get in the way.

and then i feel guilty.

why am i so anxious to be done? it seems unfair to tessa.  she needs to cook. i'm totally fine with that on an intellectual level. i don't want her here yet. it's far too soon.

but good grief, i'm going to be DONE DONE DONE when she is. 

i think that's a good thing, but it feels like an eternity until that point.

in the meantime, i'm trying to eat better. i'm trying to get more rest. i'm trying to remind myself that, once she's out, even if she's screaming every 45 minutes for food, those 30 minutes inbetween will be much better sleep than now. 

i'm a broken record. i'm sorry. i just wanted to say, somewhere, that i am tired, i am huge, and i am tired of being huge. 

when i was at my midwife appointment on monday, i met a new one (i'm far enough along to start seeing everyone so that i can be familiar with them in case they are on call when i deliver).  she asked me if i was planning to have more kids, and i said, emphatically, "oh yeah. we're not done." and she was so excited. she said "normally, when people are as pregnant as you are, they are not as quick to say they'll get into this again. that's so great."

i guess that's a good sign that i'm not THAT miserable.  i think i just want to stop feeling like i'm the fattest thing ever.  i'm really, really, really looking forward to that immediate 20 pound weight loss.  i am retaining so much water this time that i know that it will be crazy. 

and, of course, i'm excited to meet tessa. but i'll be straight up--that's a side benefit to getting my body back for a while. 

see? guilt.  i shouldn't be thinking that way!

i'm sure i'm not the first to think that, though.  i hope not anyways.

sigh.