aren't you supposed to fly SOUTH for the winter?

going north, to say goodbye to musicboy's gramma.  he wants me there, as he'll be gone for longer this time by a couple of days and i want to be there for him.  i began to think that maybe his family wouldn't want me there, but then i began to think that i've done this before.

gone through the process of saying goodbye, i mean.

and even if it means that i make pancakes in the morning and do dishes or keep musicboy occupied or play cards and watch movies, i can help.

sometimes, i think you help by just filling in the blanks.  it's the things that you can just do without asking if they need to be done that can be truly beneficial.  it is those needs i hope i can meet.

i just checked the weather, though, and it's going to be 2 tomorrow night.  as in there's not anything before or after that number. it stands alone.  there's been talk of walking on a frozen lake as well.  all of these things i hope i survive.

but mainly, i hope to be of use.

rambling wednesday edition of this here blog.

[if you're my facebook friend, you've already seen this, but there's an expansion, so keep reading. KEEP READING, DANGIT.  not that i'm needy or anything.]

it's insulting to me that all of the action movie underground/vault shows with stupid hosts who give you background info from the dvd that you could just watch yourself if you were at all interested have male hosts that are mildly attractive/basically unattractive nerds and female hosts with plastic breasts and no clothing.  do they really think women don't watch these movies?  why aren't they pandering to me too? it's like when men assume that women don't know what things like the spread offense are. 

that actually happened.  picture it.  student x comes up to ask me about his speech topic. i am standing there with student y, who is a football player for big collegetown u and who knows of my love for football because we have discussed it before (in an attempt, i think, to lay the foundation for me being kind to him and his teammate...it might work. i don't know. i sure like them. but mainly because they are good students and participate, not because they cater to my love of big collegetown football). 

anyway.

student y says he wants to do a speech on the spread offense and proceeds to ask if he should back way up and explain things like what a quarterback is for people who don't know football, then gestures toward the middle of the room and says something like "you know, for those girls up there."

i just stared at him for a beat and said "you mean, because girls don't know anything about football?"

at this point, student y started laughing because he knew that i probably knew more than student x.

these are the kinds of things that drive me nuts. don't assume. it's annoying.

also, why are the humane society commercials like taking the aspca commercials and making them WORSE? i don't want to see a crate full of puppy mill puppies!  i literally have to avert my eyes.  but the music...it makes me want to look...and it's not even sarah maclachan.

evil.  they're all evil.

i very much want to try out my new cardio playlist, which i tinkered with yesterday and downloaded new music that seems like it will excellent to run to, but i'm not sure if my knees and feet can handle it.  i need new shoes desperately. but i need a paycheck first. 

i think saturday will be "gym clothes buying day," a holiday celebrated the world over.  if i'm going to go to the gym every day, sometimes twice a day, i really need more clothes.

and shoes that take the impact away from my knees. 

real writing day in twitterspeak updates.

1:36 pm
hmm. that paragraph wasn't so bad. as in i said "burkean aesthetic" and didn't sound pretentious. did it make sense? I. DON'T. CARE.

1:49 pm
so i've decided that if i could write like tracy chapman, this whole dissertation deal would be a breeze. unsung psalm = genius.

2:36 pm
when did i buy britney's "circus"? and why am i not running to it every. single. time?

3:13 pm
three paragraphs. that's decent. now i get to go to body combat and rue the day i thought body combat was something i could do. woot! 

reformulating tuesday's existential question.

maybe this dissertation thing is no longer about the topic.  maybe this finishing the dissertation thing is about me caring enough about myself to follow through.  just like i care enough about myself to work out. i take that time because i know it's important.  maybe i need to reformulate the question.

maybe i really don't have to care anymore about the topic.  maybe i don't even really have to care about how good it is ultimately.

maybe the larger question is whether or not i care about myself. 

[the original question was going to be whether or not the little engine that could is a baldfaced liar.]

quick update.

i want my life back.

my husband is back, but i have yet to spend much time with him because he got back at 2 am and brought a houseguest with him who is still on my couch. 

yes, i am snarky. mainly because after he got home at 2 am, i didn't get to sleep until 4 something, and had to be the first one up and out of the house (although musicboy probably had to leave 30 minutes after, so...i can't hate too much...except he definitely fell asleep before i did).  i am so tired and i just want my rhythm back.

of course, in order to have that, i would have to have found one first, right?  still haven't, so i feel constantly off-kilter.  which is annoying.

because it's not even the kind of off-kilter that burns calories or builds muscles. it just makes me tired and feel like a failure for only keeping on top of my five classes that i teach instead of doing that plus the dissertation.

so i'm just putting this out there because if i don't i'll explode.

i have no idea how to do this dissertation. i am desperately afraid i have nothing left to say.  or that what i have to say has no relevance or importance.  i am not sure that i really care anymore, but i have to run the gauntlet of the committee, and they apparently do.

i'm wondering if i can somehow convince them to just let me graduate if i finish the dumb thing, even if it's not great. i just want to be done.

i just want to be done.

also, though i think i am shrinking, i have lost the same amount of weight since week 1.  which means i lost 3.6 pounds, then i gained a pound, then i lost it again. 

i find this incredibly frustrating, although i know i am building muscle and losing fat. i want to lose numbers too, you know? 

gah. i'm taking a nap.  mondays suck.  that nap plus four miles on the treadmill better get rid of this attitude, let me tell you. 

mindmeld.

i'm finding it hard to downshift from teacher brain mode to scholar brain mode now that i am in desperate need of serious outlining/drafting/researching time on my chapter.

the chapter is in good shape, i think, although my thoughts are quite muddled. i'm hoping today, as i outline and sketch out ideas, my ideas will begin to become more clear.

but all of that assumes that i actually work on said chapter, which in the midst of teaching five classes (and now, from necessity not from true desire, it will be six starting in late february so that i can keep my active status at one job), is more difficult than you might think.  it seems like there is always something else to do.  my online classes need attention. i need to plan for my on-ground classes. i want to keep up with the grading so that i don't get behind and buried, as i was apt to do last semester.  if i stay ahead, so says my brain, i will have more time to work on the dissertation.

but when staying ahead requires me to spend EVERY day doing teaching work and NO days doing dissertation work, you can see how this could be a major problem.

with musicboy gone and my dissertation schedule about shot to hades because of teaching and life taking precedence, i decided to do all that i could do this weekend to catapult myself back on track.  but i'm having trouble downshifting.

i'm sure it's because i am afraid that once i begin to work, nothing will come. i'm sure it's because i am more accustomed to teaching now than i am learning and writing myself (not a bad thing, i think, considering teaching is my chosen profession). i'm sure it's because these muscles are just not in shape yet, so it's always painful to begin working with them.

i'm going to consciously choose, from now until monday, to not work on school.  at all.  to ignore it is odd and painful as well, but ignore it i will.  i think it's the only way that i can teach myself HOW to downshift, so that i can begin to do it more regularly.

i feel hope for a fruitful, productive weekend. i think i can, i think i can, i think i can.

also, i miss my husband.

the end.

i think i'm getting it.

in the book of mormon, there is a chapter (mosiah 18) that discusses the commitments that we make when we are baptized into the Lord's church.  one of the key components of that commitment, besides keeping the commandments, is extending yourself in charity and love to those around you, or being "willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort."

i thought i understood that. i really did.  when people were hurting, i did my best to be there for them. i listen.  i care.  i give advice (oh probably too much, you know).  i make efforts to serve in whatever capacity i can.  i thought i understood what this meant.

but i think i'm only really just learning.

musicboy's gramma is dying.  he's leaving today to go up to the seriously arctic north to meet his mom, who has been up there since the beginning of the year, with his dad and sister.  he's going up to say goodbye.

straight up, that's scary to write. i don't like the word dying--not because i fear it, or because i don't understand it, or because i lack an understanding of what comes next. i don't like it because of what it means--not for her, who has struggled so much for so long but especially for the last few months, but for those she will leave behind.

her children, her grandchildren, her husband. 

my new family.

when my Mimi died, i saw firsthand how hard it is. i experienced it, certainly differently than musicboy's family will because every experience is different, but i went through it. a grandma who was so important to me, like musicboy's has been to him.  a grandma who was instrumental in my raising, like musicboy's was.  a grandma who loved me like only grandmas can. 

every day,  i feel like i learn a little more about what love is.  love is doing the dishes when you're annoyed that you have to.  love is pushing past the fear that you'll fail to do something that the other one believes you can do and wants you to do.  love is laughter and mariokart and silly but very fun poker games.  love is thinking more about the other person than you do yourself.

love is also heartbreak--not because the other person has done anything, but because you love this person so much that he is an extension of yourself, and when he hurts, you hurt.  not the helpless kind of hurt that frustrates because of helplessness.  the kind of i will sit here and cry with you and understand how you feel because your heart is my heart kind of heartbreak.

i will mourn with you and i will comfort you when you need comfort kind of love.

it's easy to say, but surprising to me to feel the depth of it.  when did that happen? when did my heart grow large enough to do this?

i haven't known musicboy's gramma long.  she is a lovely, strong woman who raised another lovely, strong woman who raised the man that i love more than life.  i mourn because they mourn.  i mourn because i know what it's like.  but mainly, i mourn because they hurt and because i love them.

so i do what i can.  i cut his hair.  i pack his bag. i make sure that he has the stupid travel sized ziploc bag he'll need on the plane and toll money for the roads.  i make sure that he eats and that he has something to do during his long waits. i make sure that i hug him more and hold him tighter.  i make sure that he knows that i'm here.

but other than that, i just mourn because he mourns.

and, somehow, i think that's a huge blessing.  even in the heartbreak.

(keep my musicboy and his family in your prayers, if you don't mind.  the pain of loss can be very difficult. we'll be fine, but blessings are good.  the Lord will keep them all in the hollow of His hand, but good thoughts are always good to send.)