just a little monday, post-doctor update.

i ate everything i wanted to eat today. i didn't care. if i wanted it, i ate it. this included:

• pita bread and sundried tomato hummus. OHMYGOSH. so delicious.
• a few oatmeal chocolate chip cookies that i baked for husband's lunches this week. small ones but delicious nonetheless.
• a hot dog. a real hot dog, not the turkey or fat free kind. all pan seared and crunchy, in a real, white bread bun.
• doritos. with ketchup on them.  they were spicy.  shut up. i'm pregnant.
• chocolate milk. 
• just a little bit of honey bunches of oats with chocolate milk on them.
• waffles (which i already told you about).
• pineapple.
• carrots and ranch dip.
• pretzel sticks.

it has been lovely. i just wanted to record this, in all its gluttonous glory.  perhaps i should be ashamed of myself, but it's nice to just do what i want to do.  what's nicer, strangely, is to know that it's conscious (rather than that out-of-control feeling that i sometimes get when i am grazing and can't seem to stop, even though i know i should) and will end tomorrow. i'm already planning wednesday's green monster and what i'll do to get back on track.

but sometimes, it's nice to feel like the crazy pregnant woman who's eating whatever she wants.  and i don't even really feel bad about it.

i will admit, though. i am VERY FULL.  goodness.

--

in other news, one of the three people who were due ahead of me gave birth today, a month ahead of schedule. she went to the midwife, was 3 cm dilated, and then 7 hours later, her baby was born.

that leaves two before me.

TWO.

oh boy.

week 30: when you look up "normal" pregnancy, i am apparently the poster child.

i am pretty sure the sum total of my doctor's visits are about 10 minutes.  maybe a little more, but i think i spend more time peeing in a cup than i do talking to the doctor. i could be annoyed by this, but i have no real questions (and he's wonderful when i actually do) and our pregnancy is a freaking healthy textbook. so i'm not at all.

to date: i have gained 20.5 pounds, according to the doctor. as in, remember that month when i gained 9 pounds? i haven't really gained since then.  in SIX WEEKS OF THIRD TRIMESTER. what the awesome. even if i gain a pound a week from here on out, that's perfectly fine with me.  of course, there's no real need for that, but i'm prepared for the worst case scenario (per usual) and i'm pretty stoked that that worst case scenario is actually TOTALLY NORMAL AND AWESOME.

(i don't know. i still think i eat too much for this to be true. i think it's like a miracle like the reverse of the loaves and fishes or something like that.)

there's this one nurse who works with my doctor--she's his regular nurse. i love her. LOVE her. she is so zen-inducing to me, no matter what. when she takes my blood pressure, it's something insanely low like 105/70.  when anyone else does, it's usually 130/80.  i told her today that she has a calming effect on me, which my doctor heard and joked with me about later.  i really like her.

i knew that i had passed my glucose screening already, but hearing the doctor call my sugar "perfect" was rather nice. and apparently my hemoglobin is 12.4, which is "very good" for this stage of pregnancy. 

(i just looked it up. it's also termed "great" when you're near term, which i'm not sure i really am, but i'll take it.)

thanks for letting me joyfully declare this.  i am excited. 

(not so excited about insurance company nonsense that force me to jump through hoops, but that's okay. it will all get worked out in the end. i really hate insurance companies of all kind. my mom says their job is to make life difficult. i think i believe her completely.)

--

after my appointments, i almost always feel this compelling urge to eat WHATEVER THE HECK I WANT because i don't have to go to the doctor for a while.  i suppose this is not a very healthy reaction, but since i try so hard every other day to eat only healthy things, with very little deviation, i don't begrudge it much.

but here's the thing.

i was watching cake boss last night (seriously--i could watch any cooking reality show ad nauseum forever).  they run a bakery. and they showed the front of the bakery and i was like I WANT TO GO TO A BAKERY AND GET ONE OF EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW.  of course, i couldn't, but i tried to think if our little college town even has a good bakery.

(i couldn't really think of one.)

but after my appointment today, i decided i wanted a donut.  so i went to the grocery store, where i needed to get some stuff anyways, and walked by the donuts.

i just couldn't do it.  i COULDN'T do it.  there's just...no redeeming value in them. at all.

so i bought waffles instead.  and ate several. and they weren't that good.

boo.  boo to cravings that don't turn out to be what you really want. 

but seriously--this kid of ours? i think she prefers fruit and healthy things. she's like my dream kid.  may she be blessed with this preference, and not my sweet tooth, for all of her life. 

--

speaking of this kid of ours, she has decided to amp up her kicks.

like she's been kicking the HOLY HECK out of my left side for at least 24 hours. she's chilled out a little bit today, but good grief yesterday and last night were a show. too bad musicboy was asleep for most of it. she was up all night and making it known. 

part of me wonders if the reason why i couldn't really sleep was because of that. i didn't really WANT to sleep that much. maybe we were in sync.

(not 'nsync. that's something different.)

i asked the doctor if that's normal, and he said yes.  between 24 and 32 weeks, the baby is bigger but still has enough room to really be moving around. apparently that will come to an end as i get bigger but not big enough for tall lanky girl baby.  i sincerely appreciate the kicks, as they are reassurance that she's doing awesomely, but good grief.

the soccer kicks could wait a few years, couldn't they?

(of course, i had been feeling a bit left out of those pregnancy-related stories about being kicked most aggressively. i don't feel left out anymore.)

--

people are just genuinely good.

do you know that?

we have gotten two huge bags/boxes of clothes for Baby Girl, that are just sort of randomly coming our way without really asking about it or even thinking about it. we have gotten diapers and a bassinet and a swing awaits us whenever we want to pick it up. then, on sunday, we were approached by a mom in our ward who asked if we wanted baby blankets of all types. 

i always say yes. i figure it can't hurt, and anything we don't use we will pay forward. 

i am just so astonished by how genuinely good people are, sometimes. i really shouldn't be.  people are good.

i hope i will be that good.

--

what i do promise that i will never do (and hold me to this if i ever fall short) is be the doom and gloom police. no matter how fussy my baby is, i will not tell a pregnant mother that she will never sleep. no matter how hard nursing is, i will not tell a pregnant mother that it's a horror show.  i will share what they would like me to share, but that's it. 

i will remember that every body is different and i will allow someone to enjoy those last few moments of blissful ignorance. don't we really just get too few of those in life?

they all know it in the back of their heads anyway. but it's awfully nice to think that sleep will improve when there's not another human being sharing my body.  it may be less, but i bet it will hurt my hips less.  i bet my bed will feel more comfortable, if only because i so rarely get to enjoy it for any stretch of time. i bet i will appreciate it more.

--

yeah, i ate tons of waffles and i'm still hungry. this might be one of those days, you know? ask me if i'm going to care.

nope.  not going to care. 

--

on a totally unrelated note: have you tried a green monster? i did, yesterday. i'll admit that i was more than skeptical, but after hearing from at least three friends that it didn't, in fact, taste like crap and realizing that i actually do, in fact, like to eat spinach raw anyway, i tried it. 

here's a helpful note: when you add blackberries to spinach, it will turn brown. an unfortunate shade of brown. put the beast in an opaque cup and pretend like you don't notice the color and all will be well. 

i added, to 4 cups of spinach (which sounds like an insane amount but actually isn't because spinach is FLUFFY), 1/2 a frozen banana, 1/3 cup of frozen blackberries, 1/3 cup of frozen peach slices, 1/2 cup of milk, and 1 6 oz carton of strawberry yogurt. it was good.  and my food diary LOVED it. i think it was something like 230 calories and it filled my pregnant self up for several hours. 

go healthy smoothies!

--

well, that's sort of embarrassing.

so i got up, drank a bunch of water, and ate something chocolate.

then i laid down on the couch, under cuddly blankets, in the one position that seems to allow me to sleep comfortably.  then i went to sleep (not especially deeply, but i'll take what i can get at this point) and, ta-da...headache on the run.

i think it was the water, to be honest with you, though after i ate grilled cheese it faded even more (of course, i drank copious amounts of water with it, so who knows). 

so, uhm, basically...i'm an idiot.  should have pounded the water last night, apparently.  who knew i might have been dehydrated? sometimes it's the simplest solutions.  i really do drink a lot of water, but apparently i need more. 

right on, body. got it. why you need this much water, i don't know, but maybe Baby Girl is thirsty?

i love you, google, but...

...please don't tell me that i have preeclampsia because i have a headache.

i think i probably have some sort of sinus thing happening, or i ate something funky (since i got one yesterday too, and it went away quickly) and i don't have any tylenol, and i can't sleep well enough to really throw it.  so, yes, i still have it 9 hours later, but if i had one tylenol in this house, it would probably be gone.

and it's bad enough to be annoying but not bad enough to go to the drugstore at 610 am when it's cold. 

so, i love you google, but you suck too.

i do NOT understand.

if someone could explain to me why it is that people are both infuriatingly dense and impossibly illiterate while taking an online class, that would be fantastic. for example, why do students:

• despite having received a confirmation email that said that their paper was received/formatted incorrectly/not received not follow directions for submission despite being DIRECTED TO DO SO BY SAID EMAIL?
• never, ever read said submission instructions, despite them being laid out in painful detail and BEING REMINDED OF SAID INSTRUCTIONS in multiple emails/announcements?
• think that i am going to proofread their papers when those papers are LATE?
• find it remarkable that the assignment dropbox that they were supposed to submit their work to on the due date is now closed, and yet behave as if somehow it is my fault that they are having such trouble submitting their work LATE BUT ACCEPTED BECAUSE I AM A NICE PERSON?
• have no capacity to take a simple technical document (i.e. a transition guide from one edition to the newer) and read it, using critical thinking skills and a little bit of creativity, to find out where the information is in THEIR book that i am referencing from my newer edition? why don't they get that i could have been a real pain and said that they had to buy the brand new edition, but instead provided this transition guide with the hopes that they could make do with the less-expensive, more readily available, used version?
• read the directions? seriously. it says you have to answer one of the four questions. so if one of the questions is from something you haven't read yet (yes, my mistake, but i don't care), doesn't it stand to reason that IT DOESN'T MATTER because you have THREE OTHER QUESTIONS to choose from? 
• stop and take a minute and think "am i being monumentally stupid right now?" before hitting send.

it sounds callous, but it's the 3rd/4th week of class. i don't really care what your personal situation is.  that's not entirely true, but if you are emailing me multiple times in a week to tell me a sad story about how your baby is teething and you only had 1.5 hours to do something and you have an algebra exam tomorrow and you're exhausted so can you please have an extension, i'm going to give it to you simply because the likelihood of me grading that thing before you post it is slim to none.  however, i'm also going to think you're a special case, and in week 4, you don't want that reputation.  i'm also going to be annoyed that you asked me to proofread your paper. stop being needy.

that's reality, folks. 

if you, however, email me and tell me some serious stuff (your kid was in the hospital? your whole family has been uprooted and is now living somewhere else?) and ask for a favor, i am going to give it to you and not think a thing about it.

it's how i roll.

but seriously, if you can't figure out the basics of READING A SYLLABUS that i work pretty hard to make clear, i have no hope for you.  and on days like this one, i want to just pull out my hair because OHMYGOSH.

week 29.5.

the dreams have started. i read about them.  but i figured that they would be like monsters or demons or some fiery creatures from hell.

nope, they're worse. they're me, doing things i would never do but so realistically that i wake up wondering if i'm really that person.  did i really break up with my husband? did i really do something i would never do? did i really not feel badly about it?

worse, possibly, at least in terms of the waking up wondering if it is real, is the fact that at the end of each of them, i am completely aware that something is wrong and something in my brain enters the dream and forces me to either wake up (i can do that with nightmares, eventually) or to say something that seems completely like me. 

that's less disturbing, i'll admit, because i'm turning it around, but because the last few moments of the dream are so LIKE me, it makes me have to wonder if it was a dream at all.  if i would do those things.

all of this makes me not want to sleep. the dreams are worse in the morning, when i'm trying to make up the sleep i'm not getting at night.  i'm wondering if i should just throw in the towel--just get what i can get at night and then move on.  maybe afternoons will be better. i'm not sure.

--

musicboy has so much to do.  i can't help, which is frustrating, other than doing things like making lunches and dinners and doing housework and trying to keep the burden off of him. i also try to sit by him, late as it gets, until he gets his papers/assignments/frustrating long and ridiculous work done.  by that time, though, my brain is fried. i could be working myself, but i don't know that i would really be able to. maybe i will try next time, but last night, all i could really do was sit and watch tv on mute, with the caption on. 

(often, things are almost better just with the caption on.)

i wish there was more that i could do.

--

apparently, i'm a bit behind the curve, but i can't lay flat on my back anymore. it literally hurts, which i think is fairly fabulous at the same time as being terribly sad. but at least it's motivating.

--

as i was laying in bed last night, tired but not particularly able to fall asleep, i think i had an epiphany: my mental outlook is directly connected to the time that i spend taking care of myself. i don't mean that in a frivolous pedicure way, but in a "did i take a shower today? did i put something on that makes me feel like i'm wearing real clothes? did i blowdry my hair or is it still wet and plastered to my head" kind of way. 

i hope i remember that in two months.  i think it will be important.

--

i am large.  i'm pretty sure i grew over the past few days.  sometimes i don't understand how there could be more growth to come, and yet...i know there is.  i find the human body an incalculably amazing thing.  for all of the times that i have really railed against my body for not being or doing what i want it to do, i can be nothing except completely in awe of it now.

it's like it is doing what it was always meant to do. i don't say that from an anti-feminist place--i'm not saying every woman should have children or that's the sum total of her existence--but there's something so remarkable about watching the body work to do something so amazing and knowing that i have very little, if anything, to do with that process. i am but the host.  i try to fuel my body with decent things, but other than that? it's doing it's thing without me.  to me, that is extraordinary.

--

37 weeks and full term seems so far away, but i know that it's not.  i can't believe we're in the last full week of january.  then there's 4 weeks of february and 5 weeks of march and then it's babytime.  it's not really that long.  but it just seems long right now.  i don't try to understand how that works, but somehow it does. 

i can be random too!

issue number one: i just want to apologize, on behalf of my engaged, newly married, happily married, newly pregnant, and now heavily pregnant self, if i have overshared too much on facebook.  while i am happy for people, i am sort of tired about hearing about the hot boyfriend and how awesome he is.  of course, i think i would rather hear about that than the whining and complaining about exes, but there you go.

and yes, i do feel a little bit badly about being a jerk about it even in my own brain.  because i know i'm often venturing into overshare territory too. and people are probably REALLY sick of hearing about how i'm pregnant.  that can get old because it goes on for like FOREVER.  but yeah.

also, that whole first section? just got flagged as a fragment. that brings me joy for some reason.

issue number two: if you put a recipe on the internet, and you laud it as the best thing ever, and it's a muffin recipe, would it be possible for you to please say, somehow, that it WON'T WORK AS A BREAD? because every. single. other. muffin. recipe. i. have. ever. made. works equally well as a bread.  especially in small loaf pans. it's not that big, it's not that much more dense, and, you know, it should work.

too bad i just wasted two hours on the healthy pumpkin bread that didn't.  that's annoying.  i feel somehow like it's false advertising, though mainly i think i'm just annoyed that i just wasted pumpkin, honey, and a whole heap of flour.

gah.

BUT. other people are totally reputable, and the whole wheat bread that i got (also from the internet) is AMAZING.  i may not buy bread again, if i can keep it up.

issue number three: i keep forgetting to go sign my contract at one of my jobs.  which is going to be problematic when, say, i want to get paid. also, i'm afraid that i'm getting a reputation as a flake. i wish i could just be like SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT DON'T HAVE CLOTHES DON'T LIKE RAIN BECAUSE I'M SLOW. but maybe i can just go tomorrow and pretend like five days later actually was my "earliest convenience."

issue number four: how on earth am i sore where i am sore from just walking? i mean, i was walking on uneven ground for much of the time, but for heavens sake. give me a break.

issue number five: the lightbulb in my dining room just went out. for a minute, i was all "ack! the power went out." but the TV is still on.  and so is the light in the laundry room.

and that, kids, is the logic of a phd.  our children are in really good hands, y'all.