sheesh. i get it. i get it.

for the past few days, i have been literally surrounded by yoda.

you know what i'm talking about. the classic, the ever-motivational, the occasionally want-to-slam-your-head-into-a-wall mantra: "do or do not. there is no try."

after the third or fourth time of it popping up, you just have to ask yourself: okay. what's this have to do with me?

i get it. i got it before, but i really get it now. 

do work, teachergirl. get stuff done.  take the bull by the horns (or the dishes by the...handle? the laundry by the...load? the valance by the...seam? the quizzes by the...question?) and get 'er done.

yeesh.  who knew yoda was so pushy? jedimaster my right eye. homeboy could be an excellent personal trainer.  he's just that annoying, and yet you feel no real capacity to beat him up.

55 minutes of zen.

i went for a walk today, because despite the fact that it was 29 something degrees outside this morning (and 58 in our house...), it warmed up beautifully.

the sun is out.  it's temperate. and i had to take part in it.

getting out the door was the hardest part. i found my hat, my shoes, some pants that weren't pajamas, and i was off.  i tried to get my ipod, but it was as dead as dead can be. so i went out sans noise for a walk around the neighborhood.  i decided to try a different route, to possibly make it less monotonous. 

so i turned right at the turnabout and headed out. in my head kept coming little snippets of songs that i couldn't quite finish, possibly ones that i've heard on commercials or have been brought to mind by other things.  they weren't disturbing. in fact, they were like background static. mainly, i was not thinking at all.

how very lovely to not think at all.

i mean, i was thinking, after a while, about how i had a stitch in my side and if it was a braxton-hicks contraction. and then i thought who cares? and i was thinking about the arches of my feet, as i walked by the side of a road without a sidewalk, and how they hurt more than they normally did.  and then i was thinking about how differently i was walking, being 7.25 months pregnant. 

but mainly i was wondering what people were thinking, seeing this visibly pregnant woman walking down the road.  i was thinking what i would be thinking. i was surprised by the nice man who said hello, and i was wondering about why it is that people seem friendlier toward pregnant people.  i enjoyed watching the family play outside with the dog, teaching it out how to fetch, and i marveled at the sheer number of rental units that i passed.  then i started to think that i had to pee.

of course.

but mainly i just thought about how splendid and easy it was to walk today, and how even though i had no idea how far i had gone, or how long i'd been out, the fatigue in my hips and legs told me that i had done good work.

and i was pleased with myself.

there's something so lovely about a day like today, when i just seem to be plodding along, getting things done. but there's something even better about a long walk that challenges but also has the cathartic ability to take all of everything else away.

i still have no idea what to make for dinner, and the dishes still aren't done. 

but for 55 minutes, that just didn't really much matter. 

i wish every day was like today.

just going to go ahead and do it.

i need to get a few things off of my chest.

• i hate the phone. i HATE it. i hate calling people who i kind of know but am not sure if i know if they know me. it's so AWKWARD. so maybe what i hate is awkward situations. what i really hate is when my hatred of the phone gets in the way of other situations, making those awkward.  it just makes me feel stupid. and about 9 years old. so that's fun.

• i really dislike when people tell me what i will and won't do based on their own experience. i know this sounds weird, but i like it when people SHARE their experiences (when asked, of course), but don't assume that because they, say, registered for 900 things that didn't matter for their baby that of course i naturally did that as well.  i mean, is it possible that we won't use half of the stuff that we registered for? i suppose it's POSSIBLE, but considering the fact that there's very little frivolity and a whole lot of practicality on there (other than the pants--i really did register for a lot of pants because BABY GIRL HAS NO PANTS--and i know that they usually only wear onesies and that they're going to poop on stuff but SHE HAS NO PANTS and that bothers me).  are you telling me that i'm not going to use receiving blankets? i'm not going to use carseat strap covers? i'm not going to use a case of wipes? i somehow doubt it.  but who knows. maybe that diaper pail and the scented refills won't come in handy at all.  maybe i'm entirely wrong.

• i somehow have to convince myself that i have the capacity to begin Baby Girl's nursery sewing projects. do i have the skills to sew a straight line for a valance? yes. yes i do.  do i have some sort of mental block against it? yes. yes i do. but, as moms are wont to do, mine has put me under a week deadline. this week, i am charged with finishing and hanging the valance. next week, i am charged with the diaper stacker (though i may plead for more than a week, because i think it will take longer than that for me to figure out the freaking pattern).  the next week, her stuffed initial hanging.  mama's point is that it's really nice to get things done. that's true.  but then...things will be DONE.  and then...wow.  i don't know. i think i'm just a freak.

you're welcome for all of this.  i couldn't really post it on facebook, so you get it.  again, you're welcome. happy sunday night/monday to you. :) 

triumphant, perhaps unjustly so.

i passed my glucose screening.

no, i'm sorry. that doesn't adequately express it.

I FREAKIN' PASSED MY GLUCOSE SCREENING.

because hi, my name is teachergirl, and i have a two generation history of diabetes in the women in my family, including a mom who was borderline diabetic when she was pregnant with me, and hi, i was overweight when i got pregnant and hi, i have a lot of indicators that i should be THE PRIME TARGET for gestational diabetes.

except that i eat really well. and i exercise some. and i've been doing that for YEARS. as in, i've been trying to live my way out of my family history for a while now. 

but pregnancy, you know. who knows? who can ever tell?

i figured i was okay. i will admit--though i had intellectual worry (see above re: all of the textbook reasons i should have been a candidate), i never had heart worry. 

they told me that they would call me when the results came in if they were not good. i forgot to ask, though, how long that would be. so here comes friday and i'm all "hey. don't really want to wait anymore. have a feeling all is well, but i don't want to be sandbagged by a call later or worry all weekend."

so i called.

my blood sugar was 82. you have to be within 70 to 140.

i wasn't even close to being borderline.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW AWESOME THIS IS?!?

i feel like i just won the lottery. or ran a marathon. or did something else extraordinary.

i feel like maybe, just maybe, what i'm doing is good.

i felt like that was the last hurdle, really. yeah yeah yeah preeclampsia and all that, but really? i'm not worried.  aware, certainly, but not worried.

this one. this was the one i was worried about.  now we just have to keep cooking for another 8 or so weeks (EIGHT WEEKS. holy dang.) and then we're good to go.

full term. that's all i'm wishing for now.  full term.

go us, Baby Girl. go us!

a place in this world.

Baby Girl has a name.

don't get excited, because i'm not going to tell you what it is. i will explain why a bit later, but the short version is because i am neurotic and prideful.

but the story behind Baby Girl's name is, i think, something cool.

before the Big Ultrasound where Baby Girl decided to be all shy and it took 15 minutes of stealthy teching in order to determine that she was a modest GIRL, we had a short list of girl names that we really liked.  in fact, one of those names we had talked about before we even got married, on one of those glorious car rides during a trip where you end up talking about hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes, and the state of the country's economy.

(i don't think we've ever talked about that last one. maybe we have, but i don't think we did that day anyway.)

after we knew she was a girl, though, which you would think would make our naming options easier since, you know, we had three or four that we really liked, we both just sort of...fizzled on all of them. they just didn't sing to us the way they had. 

clue number one.

so we hit the online baby name websites, going through each letter and trying to find names we liked. we made a list (which i kept) and we wrote down things but i remember thinking, as we did, that i just really didn't like these names very much. i couldn't understand why. they were all lovely and, in normal circumstances, i would be over the moon for all of them.  not this time.  musicboy, i think, was basically feeling the same thing.

clue number two.

we'd already talked about middle names and had decided on options that we felt good about, and those never changed. but we'd never really talked about those options being THE NAME.

one night, i woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and this name was just in my head.  i mean, i wasn't fully conscious, but there it was, clear as day.  first name and middle name.  BAM.  like i was reading it in my mind.

but i questioned it, thinking that maybe it was just my desperation at not having found a name we loved yet, or thinking that musicboy wouldn't like it, or thinking that it was unfairly skewed my way in some manner.

so i went back to bed and didn't say anything the next morning.  we went about our day as usual.

a few hours later, while musicboy was at work, he texted me. 

with the same name. 

he asked me what i thought, and i told him what had happened the night before, and that was that.  Baby Girl chose her name.

if you think that's crazy and just a coincidence, that's fine. but first you have to understand a few things. the name we have chosen is nothing that we ever talked about as a first name.  it wasn't even on our radar as a first name. 

we mulled it over for a few days, wanting to be sure it was right before we started referring to her as that name because, as musicboy put it, once we did that it was hers.  and much as we were both a little gunshy, there wasn't really any question that it was the right name.  it's the kind of name that grows with you, the kind of name that allows flexibility and freedom, the kind of name that's classic but not too obscure but not so popular that there will be 15 children with the same name in her 1st grade class. 

so there it was. and so she has been, though i still refer to her as Baby Girl more often than not, i think because that's her fetus name. and i love it.  and i will probably call her that for too long, until she looks at me and tells me she's not a baby anymore. 

(that will be a day, let me tell you.)

but if you needed more evidence that she chose her own name--i went back to that list we made the other day and fell in love with nearly every name on it.  there was absolutely nothing wrong with those names--they just weren't HERS.  and i love that. i LOVE that. 

i love that her name has a story, has a history, has meaning. i love that it's not some name i heard on some tv show somewhere and decided that i liked. i love that i can tell her, when she's older, about how she chose her name and how mommy and daddy both came up with it without even talking to each other.  i love how it can give her such a strong sense of heritage and purpose without stifling her.  i love how it says that she's the future and has the wide expanse of forever in front of her.

i was worried about how our families would react.  my mom was surprised, but has come to really like it, i think.  she refers to Baby Girl by her name exclusively now, and she's the only one who does.  i think that's kind of awesome. 

so why haven't we told anyone?

because i am a freak. before we got pregnant, and before we knew the gender, i was up on my high horse about how i don't like it when people name their children six months before they are born, declare the name, and then never really consider that they've never met this child.  what if the name doesn't suit them?

ahem.

you see the irony? i do too. but i also feel mightily prideful, in that i don't want to be one of those people even if i am already one of those people. i still feel like it's a dicey prospect, naming your child before you meet him/her.  i don't know that this will happen again, this whole "we know exactly what your name is, Baby Girl, because you led us to it"--in fact, i would venture to guess that it won't.

i'm totally fine with that.

but right now, it's like i can't quite let go of it. musicboy thinks i'm silly.  he's allowed. he thinks, since we've already told our family and we already know who she is, that it doesn't matter. i'm coming around. i think, once the nursery is done and we get a little bit closer, we will tell. perhaps it will coincide with baby showers. i don't know. i know it's my own stupid pride, but...it's mine. it's my thing.  it's another thing that pregnancy has taught me--it's great to have ideas, but be prepared to be flexible because every situation is different.

i think there's a little part of me, too, that likes the idea that only we know.  i think, oddly, i feel like it's this little secret i'm not so sure i want to share with the world just yet. right now, she's just ours.  i guess i might be a little jealous of that.

or, maybe, there's a part of me that's not quite ready for it to be THAT real yet.  i'm getting so anxious to see her, to meet her, to know whose eyes she has and whose nose she has and what characteristics she has that are mine and his and wondering if i'll even be able to recognize them in this brand new person.  will i know if she looks like me? will i even see it? what will she be like? will she be a content baby? will she be a happy baby? will she be a mover and a laugher and a squealer?

somehow, maybe i think that by letting her name out there, those mysteries will somehow be solved.  i know that doesn't make any sense at all, but that's where i'm at with it.  it's still silly. i know this.  but it's very strange. there's no doubt in my mind that she is who she is, that her name is her name.  my hesitation isn't born of that.

i think the hesitation is how real that makes her.  this is an ironic comment, since she's currently kicking the heck out of my belly, but a name is an identity, a place in this world.  her own place, a place that exists solely for her.  she'll be ours, and we'll be her parents, but she'll be HER and that's powerful stuff right there.

maybe that's what i'm not quite ready for.  maybe that's what i'm fighting.  maybe that's why the fabric i've bought for the nursery has stayed in its bag and the registering hasn't been completely finished and i'm very "lah lah lah" about the fact that we really only have a couple of months left. 

i think i'm really very happy to have her here with me.  i'll get over it, of course, and be more excited to have her out in the world, where she can be adored and loved and find her way, but for right here and now, i think i might be really happy to have her here. 

i think i will miss it.  i think i didn't expect that.  i think that's rather magical. 

it figures, though. i've just figured out how to be a pregnant person.  now we have to figure out how to be parents. 

wordless wednesday: 28 weeks.

love letter.

when my musicboy walks around the world, he sees treasure everywhere he goes.  if he sees a coin on the street, in a parking lot, or anywhere where its been abandoned, he picks it up.  he's excited by it.  he doesn't care if it's heads side up or any other superstitious nonsense. he simply sees it as treasure, and claims it.

i sometimes think that's why he saw me when no one else really did.

--

yesterday, after church, he kept looking at me sort of strangely. i'd been having a rough weekend, not feeling well or myself and fretting (per usual) about how to fix it all, but he'd been pretty zen about it all.  not unsympathetic, you understand, but just not freaked out.  it's what he does. it helps me stay centered, most of the time.

but when it was time to cook dinner, he just kept looking at me in this way that i didn't understand.  like he was worried, though at that very moment i felt quite cheerful and much more back to my old second trimester self than i had been in several days.  i kept asking him "what?"

and he finally just wrapped me up in a giant hug and told me how much he loved me and that he never wanted me to be sad.  i nearly cried, it was so sweet and unexpected. 

and then he helped me cook. 

--

we're beginning to really prepare for the whole birth thing now. i went to the library and stocked up on books, after an initial perusal of birthing class options in gainesville led me to be less than excited to pay one quarter of a month's pay on a birthing class that sounded like not exactly what we wanted anyway. 

i've picked the collective brains of friends who did it the way we want to do it (thank you, friends! even if i haven't told you yet, your words have planted seeds that have sprouted into incredible determination and focus), and we watched "the business of being born" the other night. i read the bradley method book, which i like in lots of ways but feel like i'll be moving more than they want me to (which is okay--i'm all about adaptation) and musicboy has read his coaching bits. 

we're going to start practicing guided breathing and relaxation exercises tonight. 

i think we're both in this strange place where we don't want to let the other one down. i know that i want to be strong, not just on the day that Baby Girl comes into the world but on all the days before and after, and the kind of wife that he deserves and the kind of mom he wants for his Baby Girl.  i think he wants to make sure that he can do all that i need him to do on that day, when i'll be (genuinely) entirely in his hands as a coach.

he doesn't seem to understand that it's not just that day, but the sum total of the days before that make such an arrangement possible. the every days when i trust him and tell him things and share life and chicken pasta and days full of sickness and stress and magical moments of silly laughter with him.

i don't think he realizes that he already coaches me every day. 

he'll be so great at it. he has no idea.

--

we're nearing the end of our days as just us, which is strange and otherworldly to imagine. i'm not sad, really.  people say, perhaps, that i should be, though i don't understand how an event so prayed for and so wanted could possibly bring anything but joy, except in the sense that it brings change.

change isn't bad.  change is just change.

what's hard for me to imagine is how i could love him even more. i know i will, though. i know that the moment he holds that little girl, my heart will explode. 

that will be something to behold.  i can't imagine it. not even a little bit.

but Baby Girl will bring magic. that's only the littlest part of it, but i am so grateful that there will be someone else in the world who looks at him with eyes of wonder and impossible love. 

she'll be wrapped around his little finger.

she won't be the only one.