i have laid like one for two days, really. thursday, i got like negligible amounts of sleep. so other than the most basic sorts of things, my day was spent laying on the couch and watching documentaries on netflix. this was interesting and made me feel like less of a moron than if i had watched, say, real housewives all day.
(no offense to those of you who do. i'm not judging. i find camille both repulsive and fascinating. i tune in for brief stints at a time.)
then, yesterday came The Day of Yuck. nausea and assorted other issues left me just wanting to beg for mercy. so, i ate toast and drank apple juice and then, by divine intervention i'm sure, had the brilliant idea of bean burritos from taco bell. i'm pretty sure they saved me. i could only eat just a bit at a time, but it worked to keep me off the brink of starvation.
lest you think i'm kidding, i am down something like 7 pounds since yesterday morning.
SEVEN POUNDS. with clothes on. yeah. there's the silver lining right there, but frightening too (though i sincerely doubt my fat stores would not feed Baby Girl for about 3 months if necessary). i'm trying to stay hydrated. that's my main plan. other than that, who knows? i tend to be one of those people who wakes up, feels better, and then goes OH BOY LET'S EAT NORMAL FOOD! and then rues the day.
i'm trying not to rue the day.
but beyond that, i think i'm having trouble not, like, staying in my pajamas all day and not doing anything substantive. i'm having trouble realizing that, hey, this is my life now--i don't go anywhere. that, however, doesn't mean that there aren't things to be done. even when i come up with lists and things, i am rarely motivated to do much of it. that will change, hopefully, once actually assignments start coming in to be graded (which is next week).
i feel badly for my husband, who gets the short end of the stick in that scenario. nothing hotter than a woman who's been wearing the same shirt for two days because it's too cold to change. don't get me started.
today, i'm going to try to putter around and clean some stuff. baby steps. baby steps.
oy.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
the big bad ugly bogeyman.
i don't consider myself a particularly fearful person. other than a particular childhood episode of being afraid of a sesame street poster (big bird was fine, but that oscar looked SERIOUSLY menacing) and forcing mama to put it in my closet (where i had to brace myself to face it every time i opened my closet), i didn't have a lot of phobias. except for the vacuum.
but anyway. you get my meaning. no giant fears of monsters under the bed, or the dark, or the creepy tooth fairy (which, if you think about it, is a terribly frightening idea). nope.
(of course, i could just have a rosy remembrance of days-gone-by. that could be true.)
my particular adult brand of freaky fear is when those i love travel. occasionally, when they are on a plane or on a trip, i get a bit freaked out wondering what i will do without them. i tend to get over it pretty fast, and it's been disappearing quickly over the past few years.
but let me tell you. third trimester brings it all out.
it's been a long while since i've felt genuine fear. not worry. not anxiety. FEAR. the kind of fear that feels too powerful to deal with, the kind that seems to overtake you like a wave and drag you under for a moment, leaving you to sputter and spit as you come up, gasping for air.
(okay, maybe it's not quite that bad, but the metaphor was too good to not complete.)
at first, it was fear about money. the reality of the situation has made manifest to me that we are okay, we are fine, we are doing well. but there for a little bit, it was scary. i've had some fear about other things, things that wouldn't normally bother me as much or perhaps at all. but now? now it's like i have to consciously remind myself that the crazytown train has lassoed me aboard its hormonal track and that's why i'm afraid. or crying for no good reason. or feeling a bit like i'm at a loss.
i'm assuming this is normal, as i've read that the hormones are just SURGING right now. other pregnant ladies--are you feeling this way too? it's a strange symptom. i think trying to keep myself more busy, with concrete goals and focusing on doing some things for myself as well will help.
but mainly i'm just trying not to be too needy, trying to remind myself that all is well (and find outside proof that such is the case, which is actually all around me), and pray more. in fact, that last one i'm grateful for especially. i'd been trying to find ways to encourage an increase in my reliance on the Lord--seems like i have one of my answers.
i am really blessed. don't get me wrong. but i think sometimes people talk about swollen feet and aching hips and their crazy cravings, but they don't talk about the fear and anxiety.
i wish they would. it would make the rest of us feel a lot better.
but anyway. you get my meaning. no giant fears of monsters under the bed, or the dark, or the creepy tooth fairy (which, if you think about it, is a terribly frightening idea). nope.
(of course, i could just have a rosy remembrance of days-gone-by. that could be true.)
my particular adult brand of freaky fear is when those i love travel. occasionally, when they are on a plane or on a trip, i get a bit freaked out wondering what i will do without them. i tend to get over it pretty fast, and it's been disappearing quickly over the past few years.
but let me tell you. third trimester brings it all out.
it's been a long while since i've felt genuine fear. not worry. not anxiety. FEAR. the kind of fear that feels too powerful to deal with, the kind that seems to overtake you like a wave and drag you under for a moment, leaving you to sputter and spit as you come up, gasping for air.
(okay, maybe it's not quite that bad, but the metaphor was too good to not complete.)
at first, it was fear about money. the reality of the situation has made manifest to me that we are okay, we are fine, we are doing well. but there for a little bit, it was scary. i've had some fear about other things, things that wouldn't normally bother me as much or perhaps at all. but now? now it's like i have to consciously remind myself that the crazytown train has lassoed me aboard its hormonal track and that's why i'm afraid. or crying for no good reason. or feeling a bit like i'm at a loss.
i'm assuming this is normal, as i've read that the hormones are just SURGING right now. other pregnant ladies--are you feeling this way too? it's a strange symptom. i think trying to keep myself more busy, with concrete goals and focusing on doing some things for myself as well will help.
but mainly i'm just trying not to be too needy, trying to remind myself that all is well (and find outside proof that such is the case, which is actually all around me), and pray more. in fact, that last one i'm grateful for especially. i'd been trying to find ways to encourage an increase in my reliance on the Lord--seems like i have one of my answers.
i am really blessed. don't get me wrong. but i think sometimes people talk about swollen feet and aching hips and their crazy cravings, but they don't talk about the fear and anxiety.
i wish they would. it would make the rest of us feel a lot better.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
this is why i should read more.
dear "16 and pregnant" girl who had twins with the guy who she'd been dating for one month:
maybe it's the hormones coursing through me, but forgive me if i don't weep and wail with you at the injustice of the fact that you don't have the most solid relationship with the father of your children. forgive me if i think you're being a bit of a heinous witch by not letting him take them home with him overnight (unless you're breastfeeding, at which point it would logistically not make much sense for him to try to do that), especially since you're all fired up about how you need to "live it up" during your senior year.
ahem.
excuse me if i roll my eyes and totally yell at you from across the room when you get MAD at him for, after you dumped him in a dramatic ride home when you called in INSANE, taking two other girls to mcdonald's on valentine's day. i just...i have no sympathy for you.
am i supposed to?
--
dear crazy NYC rich parents who got into a school that wasn't your first choice and then complained about that school's lobby:
seriously? SERIOUSLY? could you perhaps take your snobby, insane heads out of your perfectly toned butts and realize that you are in, perhaps, the 0.01% of the population, who can (and will) pay upwards of $20,000 for a preschool? can you realize that your kids are getting, and have gotten, from the very beginning, the best of everything--and that many kids, because their families just don't have the resources? could you not turn your nose up at the school that took you, just because you didn't get into the school that kate winslet can't get her kids into, even though you DID deign to donate something to their stupid silent auction?
i mean, seriously. and then you left the city, after all of that, taking some other kid's chance at getting into the school they actually wanted to get into with you.
i loathe you. i get that that might have been the point of the documentary, but i really loathe you. and your stupid strapless baby bump dress.
--
dear twitterverse:
do you really think that celebrities read your tweets? i don't mean to be unkind, but who are YOU that conan o'brien is going to give a rat's behind that you caught his show and thought it was funny? you and thirty million of his other closest fans.
come on. it's the height of arrogance, isn't it?
or is all social media that in general? (says the gal who can't keep herself from new status updates regularly on facebook)
--
sometimes i should really just grab a book, you know?
maybe it's the hormones coursing through me, but forgive me if i don't weep and wail with you at the injustice of the fact that you don't have the most solid relationship with the father of your children. forgive me if i think you're being a bit of a heinous witch by not letting him take them home with him overnight (unless you're breastfeeding, at which point it would logistically not make much sense for him to try to do that), especially since you're all fired up about how you need to "live it up" during your senior year.
ahem.
excuse me if i roll my eyes and totally yell at you from across the room when you get MAD at him for, after you dumped him in a dramatic ride home when you called in INSANE, taking two other girls to mcdonald's on valentine's day. i just...i have no sympathy for you.
am i supposed to?
--
dear crazy NYC rich parents who got into a school that wasn't your first choice and then complained about that school's lobby:
seriously? SERIOUSLY? could you perhaps take your snobby, insane heads out of your perfectly toned butts and realize that you are in, perhaps, the 0.01% of the population, who can (and will) pay upwards of $20,000 for a preschool? can you realize that your kids are getting, and have gotten, from the very beginning, the best of everything--and that many kids, because their families just don't have the resources? could you not turn your nose up at the school that took you, just because you didn't get into the school that kate winslet can't get her kids into, even though you DID deign to donate something to their stupid silent auction?
i mean, seriously. and then you left the city, after all of that, taking some other kid's chance at getting into the school they actually wanted to get into with you.
i loathe you. i get that that might have been the point of the documentary, but i really loathe you. and your stupid strapless baby bump dress.
--
dear twitterverse:
do you really think that celebrities read your tweets? i don't mean to be unkind, but who are YOU that conan o'brien is going to give a rat's behind that you caught his show and thought it was funny? you and thirty million of his other closest fans.
come on. it's the height of arrogance, isn't it?
or is all social media that in general? (says the gal who can't keep herself from new status updates regularly on facebook)
--
sometimes i should really just grab a book, you know?
Monday, January 10, 2011
eating my words.
so i told you, didn't it?
as soon as i posted about being grateful and not complaining, the Third Trimester descended upon me with the weight of a thousand bowling balls. or self-pity. i'm really not sure which one is heavier.
i couldn't have been more than 2 days into it (or 2 days away from it, depending on whose calendar you're going by) when i started feeling...big. and nauseous. and heartburn-y.
i am a textbook over here, did you know? because i googled it, after wondering for two days why i felt sick, and it turns out...TA DA! welcome to the third trimester, where Baby Girl takes over every part of your internal organs and pushes on your stomach so that, after you eat, you feel sick.
hey, wait...didn't we do that already?
(never mind.)
but lest you think i'm complaining about all of this, then there was the opening of the power bill to discover that all of those cold snaps doubled our bill because, hey, i'm cold all of the time.
at this point, i'm beginning to just think it's funny.
(no, really. at this point, right now, it's funny.)
so, to keep on keepin' on with my mantra of "Baby Good. Complaining Bad.", here are some reasons why the Third Trimester, with all of its assorted good natured stabs in the proverbial back, is awesome:
sometimes, i'll admit, i get a little down. but then, when i stop to look at it (like i have here--thanks for indulging me), i realize that, my goodness, there really are huge silver linings wrapped up in every cloud. in fact, i might say that most of my clouds are inherently silver by nature, not grey or gloomy.
i am blessed. for sure. even with heartburn.
next stop on the pregnancy train: gestational diabetes screening next week. i'm trying not to freak out. diabetes runs in my family. i really don't want to deal with that. i really, really don't.
as soon as i posted about being grateful and not complaining, the Third Trimester descended upon me with the weight of a thousand bowling balls. or self-pity. i'm really not sure which one is heavier.
i couldn't have been more than 2 days into it (or 2 days away from it, depending on whose calendar you're going by) when i started feeling...big. and nauseous. and heartburn-y.
i am a textbook over here, did you know? because i googled it, after wondering for two days why i felt sick, and it turns out...TA DA! welcome to the third trimester, where Baby Girl takes over every part of your internal organs and pushes on your stomach so that, after you eat, you feel sick.
hey, wait...didn't we do that already?
(never mind.)
but lest you think i'm complaining about all of this, then there was the opening of the power bill to discover that all of those cold snaps doubled our bill because, hey, i'm cold all of the time.
at this point, i'm beginning to just think it's funny.
(no, really. at this point, right now, it's funny.)
so, to keep on keepin' on with my mantra of "Baby Good. Complaining Bad.", here are some reasons why the Third Trimester, with all of its assorted good natured stabs in the proverbial back, is awesome:
- keeping the thermostat lower than ever = i have never been more acquainted with the relative weight, fluffiness, efficacy, or thread count of the blankets in our house. we have a lot, and they are often neglected, so now they are feeling loved.
- cold = more rest on the couch. Baby Girl needs rest to grow, so there you go.
- scary power bill due to coldness = more time planning out grocery store trips and coupon clipping. since this was already a goal of mine for this semester, i am pleased at how it's going. i am being INFINITELY more deliberate about how much money we spend on things, and though i'm still freaked out (books for music majors = at least double what i spent per semester on English major books, which boggles the mind) about money, i know will be well. 'tis the season to be freaked out about money.
- more mindfulness about money = making more use of the gym membership we pay for every month, which leads to better, happier me.
- more mindfulness about money = craigslist trolling, which leads to finding the very same changing table we were considering registering for, basically brand new, for $40 instead of $100. and we used free money that landed in our lap for it. holla.
- back pain early in the morning = i get up early. lunches are always made and i get to spend some time reading and chilling before musicboy wakes up. since lunches are always made, there's no need to go out. thus, we save money. (dang, this stuff works!)
- nausea after eating = encouragement to eat smaller meals = less overload on (even good) calories = less weight gain!
- the potential for nausea after eating = not wanting to eat. this was a promise i was given by someone early in the second trimester. since i've wanted to eat the world for approximately 3 months, i was beginning to think this would never happen. it has happened! huzzah! (don't worry. i'm still eating. but i'm quite pleased that i don't want to eat the world anymore.)
- heartburn = fond remembrances of First Trimester past, when i discovered berry Tums. they are lovely and not horrible and make things easier.
- feeling big = people actually walking up to me and saying "when are you due?" instead of wondering if i've just indulged a little too much over the holidays. hallelujah, Baby Girl. you look more like a soccer ball fetus than a big fat roll, and for this i am appreciative. i am also appreciative of the one random shirt i have in my closet that was pre-pregnancy that makes the baby bump look adorable every time i wear it. i wore it yesterday. i felt pretty. that was good.
sometimes, i'll admit, i get a little down. but then, when i stop to look at it (like i have here--thanks for indulging me), i realize that, my goodness, there really are huge silver linings wrapped up in every cloud. in fact, i might say that most of my clouds are inherently silver by nature, not grey or gloomy.
i am blessed. for sure. even with heartburn.
next stop on the pregnancy train: gestational diabetes screening next week. i'm trying not to freak out. diabetes runs in my family. i really don't want to deal with that. i really, really don't.
Friday, January 7, 2011
i don't like doing math in my head.
well, the two of you who have responded thus far seem totally willing to hear my pregnancy stories, so here we go.
first, i have a bit of a rant. well, not a rant. mainly just a fond remembrance from facebook days-gone-by when i turned to musicboy one day, after reading someone's status, and said "i really hope that i never become one of those people who complains constantly about their pregnancy. i hope that i am just grateful."
now this, among many other things i thought i wisely said before i was pregnant and knew what on earth i was talking about, i will likely have to revisit, as i eat my words.
(that seems fairly common in my life right now.)
but lately, i've been thinking that maybe i actually am just grateful. because of the scare at 6 weeks, because i was so worried about everything and anything, because i count every day that Baby Girl stays inside and kicks me to say she's there and active and healthy as a blessing, because i count every (relatively) normal blood pressure reading and urine sample from the doctor's office as a monumental success, i am grateful. i take note of the little things, and i am grateful for them.
that doesn't, however, mean that there aren't things to be Annoyed about.
i am one of the lucky women who feels her pregnancy in her back. thus far, knock on wood and all wood products, i've had very little trouble with swollen anything. in fact, my rings seem smaller than they were pre-pregnancy. my feet are holding up quite well, especially after an upgrade from $2 old navy flipflops to $25 reefs (with arch support! even though i don't have any arches to speak of! huzzah!). i get the occasional heartburn, but nothing that a single tums can't rectify quickly, and though i have to pee all of the time (seriously. i think it eased up for, maybe, three or four weeks there at the beginning of the second trimester--and you're welcome), i consider the hike up the stairs to the bathroom just additional opportunities for exercise.
but one of the things that this back/hip issue causes is a problem with sleep. never been a side sleeper, folks--always on my back. and not just on my back, but on my back in a particular way--one leg bent and the foot of that leg against the other leg, head turned to one side--this was the way i slept. well, according to the Pregnancy Powers That Be, that's a no go now. something about blood vessels and blah blah blah. it's guilt-inducing is my point, whenever i end up on my back. HOWEVER sleeping on my sides is just super-uncomfortable. it doesn't matter what i do--some days, it just doesn't work out well. i wake up and my hips ache. i mean ACHE. so i flip. and then the other hip aches. and i flip. but at this point, i'm out of non-aching hips. and this side manuever requires pillows a-go-go, so every time i flip it requires readjustment. and then when i have to pee, it's like getting out of and into the freakin' space shuttle.
i need a pit crew, i think, is what i'm saying.
but i pretty much just accepted my fate. in some ways, i'm rather glad for it. it has eased me, the person who DOES NOT LIKE mornings as a general rule, into the idea of getting up every three hours, precisely the schedule i'll need to be on when Baby Girl gets here. she'll need to eat, and i don't think it will be quite as awful to do as everyone says--since i'm already up anyway (and, increasingly, up for stretches at a time, since it's difficult to go back to sleep). i am grateful for that.
once i started gaining weight at a COPIOUS rate, i started thinking. you know, other than the whole "you should really stop eating that much processed junk" stuff, my lack of sleep really might have something to do with this gain. so i decided, once the holidays were over and i had the chance to establish a schedule of my own, that i needed to start making up sleep during the day.
so every morning, now, i try to calculate how much sleep i've actually gotten (today: probably about 6.5 hours, though i was in bed for longer) and how much i want to try to make up (good goal for today: 2 hours) so that i can get to my personal threshold of happy sleep. i know this is a luxury. i'm FULLY aware of this fact.
however, i'm also rounding the bend into my third trimester, and it's time to start practicing our labor coaching and time to get serious about finding nursery furniture (craigslist--if you wait long enough, it will come--we're in line to see a brand new changing table that will PERFECTLY match the crib we registered for for half the price it was in the store. i'm stoked.) and starting projects for the nursery and training my body for the hardest work it's going to do.
it seems to me that sleep has to be a part of that equation somehow.
but to get back to what i was saying before--i don't complain about this. even to my darling husband, who looked at me with concern before he left this morning and asked if i was okay, i said "yeah. i didn't sleep very well, but that's nothing new." and i wasn't being a martyr or a pill. i was just telling the truth. so i didn't sleep well. big dang deal. i'm pregnant. color me especially shocked.
as i was laying in bed at 5 am, rubbing my belly because Baby Girl was kicking (she does that now when i'm awake. i'm not sure if she does it all night and i just don't feel it, or if we really are on the same schedule--can i just tell you how freakin' sweet that would be if we could keep it up?), i thought to myself (and to her, though i know that seems crazy) that she's worth it. she's worth the loss of sleep and the hips and the weight anxiety and the unnecessary worry.
she's worth it.
so i guess my point is this about pregnancy, a small life lesson that i hope i carry into parenthood as well: yeah, sometimes it's hard and sometimes it genuinely sucks. sometimes my lot is harder than yours and other times, yours is. but seeing the dark and gloomy side of it doesn't do anything to chase the clouds away. even when you're miserable, i'm not sure it's necessary to really bring other people with you. it's more fun, it's a party, when there's more than one person in the misery room. but i'm pretty sure there's heaps of people in the relatively content room, where you can mention your aching hips in the same breath as your wonderful holiday excursion and you'll fit right in.
so maybe i am doing okay at that thing that i wanted to do. i never once want my Baby Girl to think that she caused me to dread or dislike anything related to her. yeah, it'll hurt to bring her into the world. so what?
she's worth it.
and making my life sunnier and happier and more focused on the gratitude of the situation is better than stewing and dwelling in sadness and misery. i'm worth more than that.
and so it goes.
(but like i said--give me five weeks. i might be eating my words.)
first, i have a bit of a rant. well, not a rant. mainly just a fond remembrance from facebook days-gone-by when i turned to musicboy one day, after reading someone's status, and said "i really hope that i never become one of those people who complains constantly about their pregnancy. i hope that i am just grateful."
now this, among many other things i thought i wisely said before i was pregnant and knew what on earth i was talking about, i will likely have to revisit, as i eat my words.
(that seems fairly common in my life right now.)
but lately, i've been thinking that maybe i actually am just grateful. because of the scare at 6 weeks, because i was so worried about everything and anything, because i count every day that Baby Girl stays inside and kicks me to say she's there and active and healthy as a blessing, because i count every (relatively) normal blood pressure reading and urine sample from the doctor's office as a monumental success, i am grateful. i take note of the little things, and i am grateful for them.
that doesn't, however, mean that there aren't things to be Annoyed about.
i am one of the lucky women who feels her pregnancy in her back. thus far, knock on wood and all wood products, i've had very little trouble with swollen anything. in fact, my rings seem smaller than they were pre-pregnancy. my feet are holding up quite well, especially after an upgrade from $2 old navy flipflops to $25 reefs (with arch support! even though i don't have any arches to speak of! huzzah!). i get the occasional heartburn, but nothing that a single tums can't rectify quickly, and though i have to pee all of the time (seriously. i think it eased up for, maybe, three or four weeks there at the beginning of the second trimester--and you're welcome), i consider the hike up the stairs to the bathroom just additional opportunities for exercise.
but one of the things that this back/hip issue causes is a problem with sleep. never been a side sleeper, folks--always on my back. and not just on my back, but on my back in a particular way--one leg bent and the foot of that leg against the other leg, head turned to one side--this was the way i slept. well, according to the Pregnancy Powers That Be, that's a no go now. something about blood vessels and blah blah blah. it's guilt-inducing is my point, whenever i end up on my back. HOWEVER sleeping on my sides is just super-uncomfortable. it doesn't matter what i do--some days, it just doesn't work out well. i wake up and my hips ache. i mean ACHE. so i flip. and then the other hip aches. and i flip. but at this point, i'm out of non-aching hips. and this side manuever requires pillows a-go-go, so every time i flip it requires readjustment. and then when i have to pee, it's like getting out of and into the freakin' space shuttle.
i need a pit crew, i think, is what i'm saying.
but i pretty much just accepted my fate. in some ways, i'm rather glad for it. it has eased me, the person who DOES NOT LIKE mornings as a general rule, into the idea of getting up every three hours, precisely the schedule i'll need to be on when Baby Girl gets here. she'll need to eat, and i don't think it will be quite as awful to do as everyone says--since i'm already up anyway (and, increasingly, up for stretches at a time, since it's difficult to go back to sleep). i am grateful for that.
once i started gaining weight at a COPIOUS rate, i started thinking. you know, other than the whole "you should really stop eating that much processed junk" stuff, my lack of sleep really might have something to do with this gain. so i decided, once the holidays were over and i had the chance to establish a schedule of my own, that i needed to start making up sleep during the day.
so every morning, now, i try to calculate how much sleep i've actually gotten (today: probably about 6.5 hours, though i was in bed for longer) and how much i want to try to make up (good goal for today: 2 hours) so that i can get to my personal threshold of happy sleep. i know this is a luxury. i'm FULLY aware of this fact.
however, i'm also rounding the bend into my third trimester, and it's time to start practicing our labor coaching and time to get serious about finding nursery furniture (craigslist--if you wait long enough, it will come--we're in line to see a brand new changing table that will PERFECTLY match the crib we registered for for half the price it was in the store. i'm stoked.) and starting projects for the nursery and training my body for the hardest work it's going to do.
it seems to me that sleep has to be a part of that equation somehow.
but to get back to what i was saying before--i don't complain about this. even to my darling husband, who looked at me with concern before he left this morning and asked if i was okay, i said "yeah. i didn't sleep very well, but that's nothing new." and i wasn't being a martyr or a pill. i was just telling the truth. so i didn't sleep well. big dang deal. i'm pregnant. color me especially shocked.
as i was laying in bed at 5 am, rubbing my belly because Baby Girl was kicking (she does that now when i'm awake. i'm not sure if she does it all night and i just don't feel it, or if we really are on the same schedule--can i just tell you how freakin' sweet that would be if we could keep it up?), i thought to myself (and to her, though i know that seems crazy) that she's worth it. she's worth the loss of sleep and the hips and the weight anxiety and the unnecessary worry.
she's worth it.
so i guess my point is this about pregnancy, a small life lesson that i hope i carry into parenthood as well: yeah, sometimes it's hard and sometimes it genuinely sucks. sometimes my lot is harder than yours and other times, yours is. but seeing the dark and gloomy side of it doesn't do anything to chase the clouds away. even when you're miserable, i'm not sure it's necessary to really bring other people with you. it's more fun, it's a party, when there's more than one person in the misery room. but i'm pretty sure there's heaps of people in the relatively content room, where you can mention your aching hips in the same breath as your wonderful holiday excursion and you'll fit right in.
so maybe i am doing okay at that thing that i wanted to do. i never once want my Baby Girl to think that she caused me to dread or dislike anything related to her. yeah, it'll hurt to bring her into the world. so what?
she's worth it.
and making my life sunnier and happier and more focused on the gratitude of the situation is better than stewing and dwelling in sadness and misery. i'm worth more than that.
and so it goes.
(but like i said--give me five weeks. i might be eating my words.)
Thursday, January 6, 2011
home alone.
once upon a time, i didn't have a job, after we moved far across the country, and though i made somewhat hearted attempts to get one (and had one at a card store for three days before deciding that retail wasn't for me at that time), i really didn't do much except hang around the house. eventually, my frustrated mother decided that if i was going to stay home then i would be in charge of housework and cooking, which i think ended up being okay, if i remember correctly.
since then, though, i think i have gone the opposite direction, having multiple things to do at any one given time (usually related to school + work) so that my time at home was almost always consumed by homework or projects or just trying to catch up on things. there wasn't a lot of leisure, if it was during the semester, and the breaks seemed consumed by forced leisure, that sort of stuffing-into-two-weeks all of the tv, movies, frolic, and sleep that you missed out on.
oh, and i usually got sick on breaks, so that was always fun.
cue this semester.
i'm at home. i have classes going on, but my schedule is entirely online, so my daily schedule is entirely mine. these first few days of getting musicboy all figured out and sent off have been a bit more hectic, and it's also holiday recovery period, so i haven't been as productive as i'd like to be (my christmas tree is staring at me, pathetically, begging to be put out of its misery--that's tonight or tomorrow's task), but i'm finding the change...lovely.
this sort of worries me.
i don't want to begrudge going back to "normal" life, where i am teaching on a physical campus rather than just from my home, after Baby Girl comes. of course, two days does not four months make, and i may be stark raving out of my mind by the time this whole experiment in gestationally determined online scheduling ends, but i have found myself getting up early, making lunches, eating breakfast, going to the gym, catching up on the sleep i've been missing regularly at night because of various aches, pains, and hip annoyances, keeping up with the dishes, planning meals, doing things for my husband, running errands, and a whole host of things that are just nice to be able to do without feeling like i am running the gauntlet.
i haven't quite got it sussed completely, but i REALLY REALLY LIKE IT. i think i would really like to be a stay-at-home working mom. i think i could do it (see: i taught eight classes, thus i can do anything) and i think it would marry two worlds that i want to stay a part of very nicely.
but, just like most things i hope for and wish, i recognize that what ends up being will likely be entirely different than what i envision, but will nonetheless be right for us. that's okay. i think i'm just sort of surprised--i feel GOOD about this whole deal and excited about all the potential.
of course, my house should really be neater if i'm going to do this at home thing.
i'll get there. someday, i'll get there. in the meantime, i ought to do some more work on the jobs that pay me something.
a question for you who even still read here: i've hesitated talking about pregnancy related things because i don't really want to become that girl who turns into the fetus-talker all the time, but do you want me to update you? what do you want to know?
also, a feather in my cap: 2.5 miles on the treadmill today, longest i've gone since i've gotten pregnant. i am proud of myself. quite proud, in fact.
since then, though, i think i have gone the opposite direction, having multiple things to do at any one given time (usually related to school + work) so that my time at home was almost always consumed by homework or projects or just trying to catch up on things. there wasn't a lot of leisure, if it was during the semester, and the breaks seemed consumed by forced leisure, that sort of stuffing-into-two-weeks all of the tv, movies, frolic, and sleep that you missed out on.
oh, and i usually got sick on breaks, so that was always fun.
cue this semester.
i'm at home. i have classes going on, but my schedule is entirely online, so my daily schedule is entirely mine. these first few days of getting musicboy all figured out and sent off have been a bit more hectic, and it's also holiday recovery period, so i haven't been as productive as i'd like to be (my christmas tree is staring at me, pathetically, begging to be put out of its misery--that's tonight or tomorrow's task), but i'm finding the change...lovely.
this sort of worries me.
i don't want to begrudge going back to "normal" life, where i am teaching on a physical campus rather than just from my home, after Baby Girl comes. of course, two days does not four months make, and i may be stark raving out of my mind by the time this whole experiment in gestationally determined online scheduling ends, but i have found myself getting up early, making lunches, eating breakfast, going to the gym, catching up on the sleep i've been missing regularly at night because of various aches, pains, and hip annoyances, keeping up with the dishes, planning meals, doing things for my husband, running errands, and a whole host of things that are just nice to be able to do without feeling like i am running the gauntlet.
i haven't quite got it sussed completely, but i REALLY REALLY LIKE IT. i think i would really like to be a stay-at-home working mom. i think i could do it (see: i taught eight classes, thus i can do anything) and i think it would marry two worlds that i want to stay a part of very nicely.
but, just like most things i hope for and wish, i recognize that what ends up being will likely be entirely different than what i envision, but will nonetheless be right for us. that's okay. i think i'm just sort of surprised--i feel GOOD about this whole deal and excited about all the potential.
of course, my house should really be neater if i'm going to do this at home thing.
i'll get there. someday, i'll get there. in the meantime, i ought to do some more work on the jobs that pay me something.
a question for you who even still read here: i've hesitated talking about pregnancy related things because i don't really want to become that girl who turns into the fetus-talker all the time, but do you want me to update you? what do you want to know?
also, a feather in my cap: 2.5 miles on the treadmill today, longest i've gone since i've gotten pregnant. i am proud of myself. quite proud, in fact.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
new years and all that.
because i stalk her and chortle in glee when she posts, i am stealing perpetua's year-in-review. mainly because she made me laugh with her answers and i'm sure to not even come close to measuring up (which is bracing and humbling, and a testament to her writing skills) but i'm sure to think about some stuff and write about it, and since this is sort of my journal/procrastinatory mechanism/way of entertaining the masses, i can go ahead and do that.
ahem.
with no further adieu.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’ve often done, more times than you’d like to admit?
sat on the couch and watched hours of inane tv that helped me not one little bit to achieve any goals whatsoever, unless said goals are to become an obnoxious cake baker/reality cooking show contestant or to evaluate my birth plan with a new eye (oh wait...).
2. Why didn’t you keep your new year’s resolutions?
i refused to make them. but i sure didn't reach my weight loss goal before i went and tacked on a couple dozen more pounds of fetus. i did, however, learn to love exercise in a way that was almost unhealthy. i love body combat. i want to reunite with it as soon as humanly possible. but i don't think that was really a resolution.
so, short story long: you have to make them to break them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth to something other than a baby?
i find this question weird. my husband writes songs, so yes. but i think babies are smashing, and they are everywhere, so take that, weird question.
4. Did anyone close to you kill someone?
uh, no. not that i'm aware of, and i'm not sure i'd want to be aware of it if they did. i did, however, witness a totally cliched and horrifying act of vehicle vandalism by a sizable (and i say that with respect as a mutual member of the Big Hips and Butt club) lady who was, i believe, drunk and angry at her ex-boyfriend. that's a story for another day (although it's not really that interesting, or it would lose something in translation) but it did make me sure that Other People do not respect the law and other people's stuff the way i think they do and should.
5. What states of disgrace did you visit?
facebook addiction (FA), pizza consumption (PA), self-flagellation (SF), and, of course, procrastination (PR)
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you also had in 2010?
my husband. my family. my assorted jobs (even though i complain about them copiously). my house. my firmness in my faith. my health.
7. Etch-a-sketch your memories, or put them in a Trapper-Keeper?
i cannot, for the life of me, do anything other than draw a box on an etch-a-sketch, and hello with the non-permanence, so let's do trapper-keeper, but only if it's a cheesy one with a gorilla on the outside that says something inane like "i'm ape for you."
8. Fashion sense. Do you have one yet?
no. i don't. pregnancy isn't helping. i have three pairs of pants that fit. the rest of them are just dreams. some times i look almost cute, and then it disappears as quickly as it came. of course, i don't really think that is any different than any other day. i think my fashion sense is "sale casual" wherein i'd like to look really put together but i prefer to spend money on things like cheerios and the light bill.
also, did i mention i'm pregnant? yeah, i get to pick out clothes for some other person now. that's kind of an awesome gig. i'm excited, but am totally aware that just about the time i figure out a fashion sense for Baby Girl, she'll start wearing rainboots and tutus together. i actually think that might be slammin', but whatever. my point is, i'm not married to the activity.
9. It’s New Year’s Eve. A duck and a hippo walk into a bar. Discuss.
they're one of 10,000 people. does anyone really notice?
8. If you measured your year by achievements and failures, would you weigh more or less?
more. dissertated. defended. moved. graduated. gestated. taught. it was a heavy year, in lots of ways.
9. Biggest fear last year?
losing the baby. after a scare at six weeks, i was a wreck for the first trimester. i think before that, ironically, it was that we wouldn't be able to have one. that was shattered by the "it only took me six weeks off the pill to get pregnant"ness of Baby Girl. i know how annoying that is to those who suffer with infertility, so i don't talk about it, but i was very afraid we would be one of those many.
10. Did you buy a lot of stuff?
i feel like we spent a lot of money, but for things like health insurance. not exactly your WOOT sort of purchase. other than that, and food, i don't buy that much. i think i've bought more clothes/shoes in the last two months than i had purchased for myself in the previous two years (wedding paraphenalia notwithstanding).
11. Squirrels and mice really can crawl through your pipes and into the toilet. It’s not an urban legend. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?
oh my. scream very loudly, hire an excellent exterminator, and make my husband do a toilet check every single time.
or pee in a bucket. i'm not sure.
12. Did you play the lotto? Did you win?
no way. don't gamble at all. never will.
13. You’re forced at gunpoint to dance a jig. What song is playing?
if it's at gunpoint, probably something really annoying but catchy. like ke$ha or pink.
14. Happier, thinner, richer, or Sadder, fatter, poorer?
happier, bigger, and maybe richer though i would say monetarily we're doing fine in the same way we did fine last year at this time, and that's just fine by me. bigger is purposeful (though sometimes hard, i'll admit, to my self-image as a person who has lost a lot of weight previously, but the big belly and the more frequent kicks are totally beginning to wipe that away). happier is inevitable with the life i've been blessed with.
15. If you could give up television, would you give up television?
yes, though my bad pregnancy habits of hours of insipid tv have made me mourn the fact that we're downgrading our cable to The Basic Plan (which consists of the basic channels, 4 shopping networks, and too much CSPAN). netflix will save me, i am sure. i am consoled by the four seasons of psych that await me in my watch instantly queue.
which probably means...yes but no?
16. See any good movies lately?
i saw FOUR MOVIES OVER BREAK. in, like, the theatres. and more on DVD. i'm sorry, but that's insanely exciting to someone who probably saw that many in the past year, maybe, in theatres. sometimes, i just don't have the time. sometimes, i don't want to spend the short amount of time i do have with my husband in a movie theatre. most of the time, i don't want to spend insane prices to see a movie i'm not sure will change my life.
but true grit was better than i thought it would be, as was red. you should see them, if only on netflix or via redbox.
17. If you had to open either an elephant store or a cupcake store in 2011, which would you choose?
the answer is always cupcakes, says the gal who's sort of hoping to watch cupcake wars tonight, even though she knows her husband doesn't love it the way she does. maybe a lasagna bribe will help?
18. Are you living in the future or the past?
so much in the future that it's a bit difficult to keep up with the present, if that makes any sense.
(actually, that makes deep philosophical sense and blows my mind. go me. you're welcome.)
ahem.
with no further adieu.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’ve often done, more times than you’d like to admit?
sat on the couch and watched hours of inane tv that helped me not one little bit to achieve any goals whatsoever, unless said goals are to become an obnoxious cake baker/reality cooking show contestant or to evaluate my birth plan with a new eye (oh wait...).
2. Why didn’t you keep your new year’s resolutions?
i refused to make them. but i sure didn't reach my weight loss goal before i went and tacked on a couple dozen more pounds of fetus. i did, however, learn to love exercise in a way that was almost unhealthy. i love body combat. i want to reunite with it as soon as humanly possible. but i don't think that was really a resolution.
so, short story long: you have to make them to break them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth to something other than a baby?
i find this question weird. my husband writes songs, so yes. but i think babies are smashing, and they are everywhere, so take that, weird question.
4. Did anyone close to you kill someone?
uh, no. not that i'm aware of, and i'm not sure i'd want to be aware of it if they did. i did, however, witness a totally cliched and horrifying act of vehicle vandalism by a sizable (and i say that with respect as a mutual member of the Big Hips and Butt club) lady who was, i believe, drunk and angry at her ex-boyfriend. that's a story for another day (although it's not really that interesting, or it would lose something in translation) but it did make me sure that Other People do not respect the law and other people's stuff the way i think they do and should.
5. What states of disgrace did you visit?
facebook addiction (FA), pizza consumption (PA), self-flagellation (SF), and, of course, procrastination (PR)
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you also had in 2010?
my husband. my family. my assorted jobs (even though i complain about them copiously). my house. my firmness in my faith. my health.
7. Etch-a-sketch your memories, or put them in a Trapper-Keeper?
i cannot, for the life of me, do anything other than draw a box on an etch-a-sketch, and hello with the non-permanence, so let's do trapper-keeper, but only if it's a cheesy one with a gorilla on the outside that says something inane like "i'm ape for you."
8. Fashion sense. Do you have one yet?
no. i don't. pregnancy isn't helping. i have three pairs of pants that fit. the rest of them are just dreams. some times i look almost cute, and then it disappears as quickly as it came. of course, i don't really think that is any different than any other day. i think my fashion sense is "sale casual" wherein i'd like to look really put together but i prefer to spend money on things like cheerios and the light bill.
also, did i mention i'm pregnant? yeah, i get to pick out clothes for some other person now. that's kind of an awesome gig. i'm excited, but am totally aware that just about the time i figure out a fashion sense for Baby Girl, she'll start wearing rainboots and tutus together. i actually think that might be slammin', but whatever. my point is, i'm not married to the activity.
9. It’s New Year’s Eve. A duck and a hippo walk into a bar. Discuss.
they're one of 10,000 people. does anyone really notice?
8. If you measured your year by achievements and failures, would you weigh more or less?
more. dissertated. defended. moved. graduated. gestated. taught. it was a heavy year, in lots of ways.
9. Biggest fear last year?
losing the baby. after a scare at six weeks, i was a wreck for the first trimester. i think before that, ironically, it was that we wouldn't be able to have one. that was shattered by the "it only took me six weeks off the pill to get pregnant"ness of Baby Girl. i know how annoying that is to those who suffer with infertility, so i don't talk about it, but i was very afraid we would be one of those many.
10. Did you buy a lot of stuff?
i feel like we spent a lot of money, but for things like health insurance. not exactly your WOOT sort of purchase. other than that, and food, i don't buy that much. i think i've bought more clothes/shoes in the last two months than i had purchased for myself in the previous two years (wedding paraphenalia notwithstanding).
11. Squirrels and mice really can crawl through your pipes and into the toilet. It’s not an urban legend. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?
oh my. scream very loudly, hire an excellent exterminator, and make my husband do a toilet check every single time.
or pee in a bucket. i'm not sure.
12. Did you play the lotto? Did you win?
no way. don't gamble at all. never will.
13. You’re forced at gunpoint to dance a jig. What song is playing?
if it's at gunpoint, probably something really annoying but catchy. like ke$ha or pink.
14. Happier, thinner, richer, or Sadder, fatter, poorer?
happier, bigger, and maybe richer though i would say monetarily we're doing fine in the same way we did fine last year at this time, and that's just fine by me. bigger is purposeful (though sometimes hard, i'll admit, to my self-image as a person who has lost a lot of weight previously, but the big belly and the more frequent kicks are totally beginning to wipe that away). happier is inevitable with the life i've been blessed with.
15. If you could give up television, would you give up television?
yes, though my bad pregnancy habits of hours of insipid tv have made me mourn the fact that we're downgrading our cable to The Basic Plan (which consists of the basic channels, 4 shopping networks, and too much CSPAN). netflix will save me, i am sure. i am consoled by the four seasons of psych that await me in my watch instantly queue.
which probably means...yes but no?
16. See any good movies lately?
i saw FOUR MOVIES OVER BREAK. in, like, the theatres. and more on DVD. i'm sorry, but that's insanely exciting to someone who probably saw that many in the past year, maybe, in theatres. sometimes, i just don't have the time. sometimes, i don't want to spend the short amount of time i do have with my husband in a movie theatre. most of the time, i don't want to spend insane prices to see a movie i'm not sure will change my life.
but true grit was better than i thought it would be, as was red. you should see them, if only on netflix or via redbox.
17. If you had to open either an elephant store or a cupcake store in 2011, which would you choose?
the answer is always cupcakes, says the gal who's sort of hoping to watch cupcake wars tonight, even though she knows her husband doesn't love it the way she does. maybe a lasagna bribe will help?
18. Are you living in the future or the past?
so much in the future that it's a bit difficult to keep up with the present, if that makes any sense.
(actually, that makes deep philosophical sense and blows my mind. go me. you're welcome.)
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